Fall 2010 semester

The fall semester is over already. It feels like just a couple of weeks ago that I was seeing the new pharmacy building for the first time and falling back into the swing of things. And now it's over.

Not only is the semester over, but 2010 almost is too. Life is just racing by & I can hardly even tell. And I'm just not sure what to think about that.

Cycles

So often we, as humans, fall into cycles and find it hard to break free.

Many of our parents began dating, got married, had children and began a cycle of being. They didn't love each other or maybe even their lives, but they continued the cycle. Each week, the same thing. Get the kids ready for school, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean, get the kids to bed, watch TV, go to bed. Over and over and over. If either one was unhappy, it didn't matter. Many other couples did this and stayed together, so they would too. Breaking out of the cycle to be happy wasn't accepted. Obviously now it's more socially acceptable, but you get my point.

Raising children brings up another cycle many of us follow without question. There is weird and there is normal. Normal is acceptable from the beginning while weird becomes unacceptable after a certain age or limit is passed. Who decides what is normal and what is not? Our parents. They are the ones who teach us to scoff and the little boy who goes everywhere dressed as Batman or groans when two men kiss on TV. All of the adults talk about how bullying needs to end, but who is it teaching these bullies to bully? The parents. Until a generation comes about that is totally open will we really begin to see any changes in the world. We're getting closer, but we're nowhere near there.

I had to bite my tongue at Thanksgiving this year when my family started talking about politics. The two older generations were discussing everything with such a closed mind. At one point when someone made a horrible comment about a gay man, I spoke up only to be shushed by my sister. SHUSHED. Apparently speaking up and standing up for what's right isn't acceptable because that's the way things are. Well, I spoke my mind and got quite a few opened mouth stares for saying what I thought, but they need to realize that the closed-minded people they're talking about are staring back at them in the mirror.

Cycles rule our lives. Sometimes no matter how hard we want to break free of them, we just can't. Either it's too hard  or it's something that would be frowned upon. No matter how comfortable we may feel continuing the cycle, we need to realize when it's time to break out of it. Younger generations are on the brink of many chances to do this, we just need to find the courage to stop the cycles our parents, grandparents, etc have begun and that's when the change will really begin.

Sorry if the voice in this sounds different from my own, but I just watched a movie set in England and I can't seem to stop talking like them. It's quite infuriating, honestly.

10 things I love

10. Basketball- and not just KU basketball. I love playing basketball so much, and it's something I need to start doing again

9. Shopping. When I save up enough shopping money to do some serious retail therapy, I love it. It's funny because I used to completely hate shopping with a passion. Now that I can go on my own & I'm completely free to make my own choices, I really do love it. Online shopping also makes it easier to love to shop.

8. Driving the shit out of my car. I can't wait for summer to come again so I can put my tires back on and have some grip!

7. Spending time with friends I love. I don't do that nearly enough & tend to make excuses for not seeing the few that are still close to Lawrence. I always say, "Oh they live too far away to visit," but I just need to man up and make the damn drive to OP.

6. Learning new languages. After I just upgraded to iTunes10, I noticed a few features, like audiobooks. This lead to me find a few books that teach you Russian. I also found tons of audio recordings of Russian conversation, so I'm hoping to start picking it up.

5. Lifting weights. I find it so invigorating and I absolutely love the feeling I get after lifting for a while- when I can feel myself getting stronger. And not to mention, it's an easy way to put on weight that looks good.

4. Community service. I used to volunteer all the time and it's something I stopped doing about a year ago. I get a sense of purpose from volunteering and I'm going to start doing it again after finals.

3. Thinking up all of the wonderful outfits I'm going to wear when I a) finally get over my sweatpants phase and b) have enough money to sophisticated clothing.

2. Reading, movies, & TV. Sometimes you need a break from your life or at least a reminder of better things, and these three things are a great way to do that.

1. Our little family that we've created. Every night when we're all at home, the cats are upstairs meowing/going nuts and the puppies are running figure eights around the downstairs, Alexey and I just look at each other and smile because, at the end of the day, life is good.

Grocery shopping

Truth be told, I suck at grocery shopping. I buy whatever the hell I feel like eating at that moment as well as what I think I might like to eat if I can get the guts to. Because of the first part, I end up with a lot of snacks (aka junk) and not a whole lot of meal-type food. And because of the second part, Alexey ends up with a lot of food he doesn't have to pay for.

My other problem is that I don't limit myself. My budget way overestimates how much I need for groceries. I do this because I know how I shop. I walk into the store and go up and down the aisles, grabbing whatever I feel like. I stop when I a) get tired of shopping or b) run out of space in my cart.

I also make a ton of small trips instead of one big one. I stop in for bread or milk or chips and I leave with at least 3-4 bags- every.single.time. I literally did a dance outside HyVee a couple trips ago because I only got the 3 things I went in for. That was seriously HUGE for me.

Yesterday I posted about how I haven't been to HyVee in over a month. This is good because I'm saving a crap ton of money by finishing every last thing I've bought. This is bad because all I have left are snacks. I believe I had popcorn for dinner 4 nights in a row until I ran out. Now cereal is all that I'm left with, and I think I only have enough for one more bowl. After that I'll be having Wheat Thins or chips and dip.

I should probably just go and restock everything, but I kind of like this. Back up...I like that I'm actually using all of the food I've bought instead of buying new food and throwing out everything that I haven't used. I don't like eating popcorn or Wheat Thins for dinner.

When I looked at my bank account yesterday and saw that it had been a whole month since I bought any groceries, I was ecstatic. Shopping for food is a huge weakness of mine and an area that I waste a lot of money. From now on, I'm going to:

a) Stop buying things to try them because that actually never even happens. They just get shoved to the back of the pantry until they expire.
b) Stop buying multiples of things. By time I get through the first pack of whatever it is, I'm so sick of it that I can hardly look at the second pack.
c) Buy more dinner food and less snack food.
d) Stop making small trips to the store to pick up a few things...alone. It can either wait until my next big trip, or I can go with Alexey so he can make me buy only what's on my list.
e) STOP SHOPPING HUNGRY! I need to start going when I'm so full that food nauseates me...maybe that will motivate me to stick to the list.

4 more days

Four.more.days.

Writing every day this month has been an experience. It has caused me to be more reflective & forced me to follow through. I honestly can't believe I've blogged every single day; at the beginning of the month I would have never thought I'd be able to come up with something to write every day. Sure, I fudged a couple of posts, but mostly I did come up with real blogs.

What I mean when I say it made me more reflective is that I realized by blogging daily that people were getting a MUCH bigger dose of Rachel this month. It made me think about what that might mean to my average blog reader. I'm aware that I'm a negative person- it's just who I've become over the past few years- but it's not always something that I "force" on people on a day-to-day basis. (Sorry, Alexey, but you chose this ;) I thought about what it would be like if I were the reader instead of the blogger & I don't think I'd keep reading after a while.

So for you, reader, I'm going to work on getting back to the happy person I used to be. She's buried deep in there somewhere & I'm going to try to dig her out. I'm not making any promises & I'm sure it's going to take a while, but believe it or not, it's difficult to be unhappy & negative. Although everyone always says that happiness is a choice, I've learned that even though you may chose to be happy, it doesn't always come easily. I've made the choice today to get back to that point, but it's not just a switch you flip. I'm going to have to face many of the things that have caused my negativity & come to terms with them. Wish me luck!

What I'm thankful for...

I know that I come off as a really unhappy, negative person & I'm sure I annoy quite a few of you. Right now, I'm not at a place in my life where things are going my way, so it gets me down more often than not. However, I do have many things in my life that I'm incredibly grateful for. I was going to take the easy way out of a real Thanksgiving post, but as I was reading other people's posts, I realized I should write them down; focus on the good. So here they are:

• My man. I get way more grumpy with him than I should because he is the most wonderful boyfriend I could ever dream up. He treats me so much better than I probably deserve, and he's the best furdad ever. 
• Our love. As cheesy as it is, I'm really thankful we're still so in love. I felt like this had to be a separate point- just because you have the man doesn't mean you've still got the love!
• My furbabies. I bitch about them on here quite a bit when they do bad things, but it's complete bliss watching them fall asleep & dream their puppy/kitty dreams. Their love is truly unconditional & the stupidest things make them happy as can be. I should really take note & try to see the world like they do....minus the drool & other nasty things ;)
• My sisters. Although we don't get along all the time & they do some things I don't approve of & would never do, I have had much better relationships with them ever since the divorce. We depend on each other more now than we ever have. It's taken some getting used to, but I think I'm finally starting to understand what having a close relationship with my sisters is like. It's mostly good haha
• My house, my car, all of my stuff. Being able to have all of the crap I do is something I take for granted much too often. 
• My job. Sure, there are things I'd like to be different at work, but I have a job. In today's world that is damn lucky. I'm also thankful to work with such amazing people. They have really become friends that I'll miss when we all move to different stores or on to different places. 
• My education. School stresses me out like no other, but learning is something I really love. Once school is over, I hope I have enough time to continue taking classes. Even if I don't, I'll still be thankful for my education & all that I've learned. 
• The level of freedom I have. I was thinking about this on my drive to OP today. I drove almost an hour away & didn't have to stop at any military checkpoints, didn't see guys carrying around guns on the streets, there were no riots, etc. 
• My general health. My health is something that causes (or has already caused) the majority of problems in my life. But what I am thankful for when it comes to health is that I don't have a disease that is killing me...or at least I don't think it's killing me. I'll get back to you on that.

Today made it kind of hard to focus on everything I have to be thankful for, but this day is about being grateful for what you have, not about being upset with the shit you've been dealt. Hope everyone was able to enjoy all that they have to be thankful for. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope you all had a great day!

Good day?

I'd actually say I had a pretty good day today despite everything that happened. Yes, that's right people, I'm focusing on the GOOD parts of today instead of the BAD. Bet that was one hell of a surprise, huh?

This morning I woke up with a migraine. That sucked, but I was being spooned by my man, so I didn't really even care I had a migraine. I also got to sleep in until about 11:30! After breakfast, I decided I just couldn't stand my hair cut anymore & that it needed to be fixed. I decided I'd shower, do my hair like I normally do it & head to another stylist to show her what had been done to my hair.

A bit before I was supposed to leave, my awesome manager texted me offering me some hours tonight, so I said I'd come in after my hair cut. I headed to my appointment & was delighted when she thought my hair looked just as horrid as I thought it did :) But really, she could tell the girl just wasn't paying attention. She did an awesome job fixing it, even though she had to take a little more off the bottom.

Funny side story: we were talking about our dogs, & I mentioned Tuck & said, "He's part sheltie, part kangaroo." Her response was, "Oh really? I didn't know they could do that!" Hehe. She thought I meant he literally was part kangaroo instead of me just meaning he's quite the jumper. She was really sweet & actually listened to what I was saying! She seriously did a great job, & I feel like I can actually go out in public again.

After my hair cut I raced home to shower & get ready for work. I took the dogs out right as I was about to leave, & what happens? Tuck has diarrhea. AWESOME! When we got inside he also started dry heaving, so that was great. Usually I wouldn't think very much of this, but he ate poo at the dog park yesterday that I could clearly see a worm in when I went over to get him away from it. I did NOT want to spend Thanksgiving home, taking him out every 5 minutes, so I called the vet. Yeah, apparently they all closed really early for the holiday.

Because of that I had to take him to Banfield in Overland Park. He made it the whole way there, all the time in OP, and the whole way back without making a mess so that was freaking amazing. The vet was actually really good & they were super quick! Something Banfield never has been. Tuck actually liked it. After the vet, I stopped by my mom's house to introduce Tucker to the family dog, Mandy & they got along pretty well. Mandy doesn't like other dogs at all, so that was  huge.

As I was leaving OP, I called back my friend Brian to see what he had called for earlier. I ended up going over to his place to hang out for a bit since I haven't seen him in way too long. Did I mention how much I love catching up with good friends? Let's just say I'm feeling completely refreshed & that's probably the reason I'm being positive tonight. Tuck behaved pretty well after his initial freak out because of meeting a new person & being in a new place.

Now we're finally back home, Tucker is medicated, & Koopa & Tuck are reunited again :D

Insipiration

I had an epically (Really, Firefox? That's a word?) shitty day yesterday, & wasn't banking on today going much better, but as I was driving to class I heard some inspirational on the radio.

Have you heard about the Patriot Guard?

It's a group of people across the nation that go to funerals of people who have died in war, as well as funerals for firemen & policemen. Today some protesters from a church I won't name because they don't deserve it in Topeka were at the funeral of a young man who died. The Patriot Guard and just normal people from the town banded together to force the protesters out of the area so the family & friends could mourn without worrying about or hearing the protesters.

I just think it's so great that people across the US have banded together to protect families from idiotic people like those protesters. If anything like this happens near Lawrence, I'm definitely going to join in if I can. Unlike some stories that I've heard about anti-protesters protesting the protesters (did you follow?), these people simply shield the protesters from the family so they couldn't even be heard. I guess the a few of the people who showed up to the funeral today got into a skirmish with some of the protesters, but mostly this group is just about keeping the family from even knowing there are protesters at their loved one's funeral.

It's refreshing to hear good news on the radio for once.

My collar bone means my collar bone...not my chin

Something I learned today: when going from long hair to short hair, tell the girl you want your hair 2 inches longer than you actually want it. It makes for less of a freak out after it's done & gone.

Another thing I learned: When the girl says, "This is like 6 inches back here, are you sure?!" Say no. Loudly. Then get up and walk out.


Needless to say, I have short hair again. I'm happy about it because it's not bugging me anymore...until I look in the mirror. I think I'll just remove all of the mirrors in my house for a week or two until it grows to the length I actually wanted it.

Letting go of the past

I kind of have a dilemma. When do you know the right time to let go of your friends from the past? I personally think they were the best friends I've ever had & possibly will ever have (which says a lot since I'm only 24). However, we don't see each other anymore since we don't live in the same city. Keeping up on the phone is really difficult, especially because we've all become different people- very different from who we were back then.

These aren't friends that I want to lose, but it's getting hard trying to keep them around. I don't mean hard because I have to put a lot of effort into it- that's not hard because I put zero effort into it. It's hard because it hurts to think that just because they moved away & we've grown up in the mean time our friendship is just going to kind of die.

So what am I supposed to do? Do I hang on & hope it gets better, or that they move back here & we start hanging out again? Even if that happens, our lives have changed so much that it wouldn't be anything like the "old days." When do I know that it's ok to just move on, leave it in the past, & stop worrying about it. Do I owe it to them to let them know I'm moving on (if that's what I decide to do)?

This is so hard for me because I really thought of my friends as family- they were the ones that were there to whisk me out of the house when WWIII was beginning. Not only did they keep my mind off of that, but they 100% morphed me into the open-minded, free-thinking person I am today. They corrupted me. They introduced me to my (future) husband.

This post is really poorly written, but it's hard for me to write emotional posts in a way that makes sense to people outside my head. My final thought about this is that it would be really great to know what they think. Sometimes I wonder if I thought our friendship was greater than it really was- at least to them. Maybe I'm not anywhere near a great friend & our friendship isn't one that they really care to keep up with. Yeah, I could ask, but that's awkward & difficult & I'm not sure I want to hear the answer. So what do I do? Write a blog post about it. Typical.

Two Is Enough

Do you remember how many times you were asked in high school, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I'm sure you were asked a lot. And almost always the question was followed with, "Why?"

I'm reading a book right now called "Two is Enough" which is about couples who choose to live childfree lives.  I've obviously stated that Alexey & I have decided that we do not wish to have children, but I wanted to get perspective on this choice by reading about others who have chosen the same path. Man has it opened my eyes!

Most of my followers on Twitter & my friends are aware that we don't want to have kids, and I've come across the typical responses that you'd expect. The "oh, you'll change your mind" or the more direct response from my sisters- "You're going to have kids," as if I'm pissing them off by even bringing up the subject. What I haven't seen yet is an offended response. Something like, "What, do you hate kids or something?" A lot of the couples interviewed for the book had friends or neighbors who seemed upset that they had chosen not to have children.

Here's what I don't understand about that and also where my opening paragraph comes into play. While they assume that all married couples will have kids after they get married, I assume that couples actually talk about this before they get pregnant. But as I've started talking to people around me about my choice, I've discovered this is not the case. When I've asked others why they want to have children, their response is something like, "Why not?" Just as choosing a career affects the rest of your life, so does having a child. But even bigger than a career choice- choosing to have a child changes everything about your and your spouse's life. You also have to consider what a child's life would be like if you brought them into the world. There are so many things that you must consider before having a child, and I think our culture has made it so that not many couples really consider it to be an option.  It seems to be something you do as to something you choose to do.

I've had a couple of people tell me, outright, that I'm selfish for choosing not to have children. Think about this. How am I being selfish by choosing not to have kids? Is it selfish to not want them to be subjected to my angry outbursts? My laziness? My resentment when I'm 50 years old and realize I didn't live the life I wanted to live and that I no longer even know the amazing husband I started this journey with? I don't think so at all.

The fact is that the difference between me and couples who choose to have kids is that we have different priorities. I want to live a quiet, relaxed life with a man I love. I want to make sure that our love isn't tossed to the side when kids enter the equation and steal the spotlight.

I don't want other people to follow in my footsteps. I'm not trying to convince anyone else to be childless by choice. All I want is for people to open their minds to the idea that choosing to have children is that- a CHOICE. I've made my choice, as has Alexey, and we want to live a life without our own children. I want people to be ok with that. I want them to stop telling me that I'll eventually change my mind or that I'll regret it. I might regret it if I hadn't completely thought it through. And you might regret having kids if you don't (or didn't) completely think it through before it happened.

Day 19

No title today because I don't really have anything to do. Well, just a couple of things...

1) I don't work at all this weekend! I'm pretty much planning on just sleeping :)

2) I'm SO excited for December 18th! Selby is free!! Oh and...ROCK CHALK!


Hope you all have a marvelous weekend! (I'm not exactly sure why I'm using so many exclamation points, but I'm not fighting it!)

Difficult posts

Do you ever have an idea for a post in your head, but you just can't get it out? This is the second time I've tried to write this post, and I just had to save it as a draft...again. I guess I'll try again another day.

For today, I'll just talk about how excited I am for Thanksgiving break! While I'm excited to get to see my (extended) family, I'm mostly just excited to have a break from school. I haven't been able to find any motivation to do much of anything lately. I mean, I've been a complete bum for the past week & a half. Not only lazy, but I've been sleeping a whole lot more too. It makes sense that I'd be like this now because I studied my bum off this semester. I did skip class a whole lot more than I'd like to admit, but obviously I wouldn't have skipped unless I could.

For whatever reason I just learn so much better by reading on my own. I've lost a lot of concentration skills in the past year (I don't know why), so sitting through class is kind of difficult for me. I don't like sitting there not being able to soak up the information- I just kind of feel like it's a waste since I can't get anything out of it anymore, so I just tend to stay at home & read. It's just a better use of my time.

I'm hoping over break I'll be able to relax enough & take my mind off school. Maybe I just need a break to refresh my mind & get back into good student mode. Or maybe this is my body telling me, "JUST FINISH SCHOOL ALREADY!"

Wordless Wednesday...woo hoo!

I was going to write a complicated post, but then it got too complicated & I realized I didn't even have any example to help you all understand what I was talking about. Then I remembered it's Wednesday. Thank goodness for Wordless Wednesday!

Yes please!

My girls....the nut jobs

My cats are pretty much insane. They chase each other up and down the hall all day, make panther noises when they're acting especially nutty, and do things like this:



No, we didn't put her up there. She likes to do the strangest things. Things like that, obviously, but lately she has taken to doing things like this: (note: sorry for talking weird to my cats in the background, but I've already admitted I'm a cat lady so it shouldn't surprise you)

 

That's her rolling around in Tucker's smell. The end of the video clearly shows that she's pretty much terrified of the dogs- she jumps every time she hears them & thinks they're coming upstairs, but apparently she loves them enough (secretly) to want to crawl into their crates & roll around in their smell.

Having 5 animals can be quite a headache sometimes, but it's mostly just moments like these that make me laugh & scratch my head. :D

No words

I don't even have words to describe this right now. But you better believe I had them when I walked in the door at saw this. Let's just say I'm going to have two very well-behaved dogs for a while...you know like an hour more or so :/

Life

Have you ever noticed that life really gets in the way of itself sometimes?

I have 3 different to do lists- one for school, one for my non-school life and one for today. Today, I completely erased the "non-school" to do list. I hated staring at it every day wishing I could do the fun stuff I'd listed. Hell, I was even excited about doing the annoying stuff that just needed to be done. But staring at it day after day was getting a little depressing, so it's gone for now. Until the next break.

I'm looking forward to break for a couple of reasons- to relax, to get things done, to have fun, and to restructure my life. I spend a lot of time trying to motivate myself. Usually I do this by browsing Facebook or Twitter...you can imagine how that works out for me. I need to get myself motivated again & figure out just how much of my time I'm wasting. I think I'm going to end up with a lot more free time...like actual free time I can actually use without feeling bad about not getting other things done for school.

The motivation part will hopefully come from the weight lifting & yoga program I'm going to start myself on. Hopefully I haven't become so completely unmotivated that it's impossible to be motivated again. We shall see in just a few short weeks!

Rearranging movie files

I spent most of my day today rearranging movie files on my computer. This was quite a massive task. I started with probably about 15 different folders named "Video" in various subfolders. Together they contained near 1000 movies. I found out that I had quite a few duplicates, so I was able to trash those & gain some more space on my computer.

As annoying and tedious as it was, it was just as fun, & I really enjoyed seeing some videos I had forgotten existed!

One thing I'll say is that I really wish I took more videos of me & Alexey in the first few years of our relationship. I've got a few, but they are so precious to me & there just aren't enough! I also realized that I didn't take enough video of my animals when they were little. I guess this is good to realize now- just in case we do have babies some day. Maybe then I'll remember how much I regret not having filmed more of their life.

A lot of people have told me I take too many pictures/videos & that I need to just enjoy it. The problem is that I really love memories, but I have a horrible memory. When I see pictures or videos, it triggers the memory in my head & I remember everything about that moment. Without them, I can recall that something like it happened, but I don't have any details. And even though I'm snapping pictures or filming, I still enjoy the moment as it's happening. If I wasn't, the pictures or videos wouldn't matter because I wouldn't enjoy them in the future anyway.

So my goal from here on out is to film Alexey & myself more often & actually TALK in the videos about things that are going on in our lives. Of the few videos there are, we have so many questions about them- like when they were filmed, how old we were, etc, so we're going to leave ourselves some more clues. I'm also not going to take quite so many pictures. I opened up that folder & promptly exited back out because it scared me. Even though I've "organized" it a few times, it's still a complete wreck just because of the sheer amount of photos I have.

Reminiscing today was great & I can't wait until a few years from now when I have even more videos to look back at, smile & remember :)

It's only the 12th...

Nablopomo has taught something about myself...I'm just not very good about consistently doing things that aren't really necessary. I mean, it's only the 12th & I'm having a hard time with this whole posting a blog post every day thing.

I don't NEED to post a blog post every day, but I said I'm doing it & I should. But around this time every night I remember- I forgot to write a blog post, again. The next thought is, "Do I have to?" Like a whiny little 5 year old. No, I guess I don't have to, but I said I would.

Maybe if I had a more interesting life I'd have plenty to write about here, but I just don't have enough material to keep myself interested in blogging daily.

The only thing I can come up with today is complaining about my job. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my job. In the grand scheme of things, there are people I'm helping that do appreciate what we do. Somewhere, they exist...I hope. But on most days I deal with people who don't understand exactly what we do, but they think they know exactly what my job is & how to do it. They also seem to think they're the only person we're dealing with. Those people really get me down some days- like today. We really do try hard to do everything right for every patient, but sometimes things just go wrong.

My only wish is that they didn't assume we did it on purpose to hurt or upset them.

I missed Wordless Wednesday...

My first crush

Do you remember who your first crush was? I do. He was a sweet little blond boy, the only blonde I've ever crushed on. He was 5 and I was 4. He also gave me my first kiss!

If you remember your first crush, do you remember how you came to have a crush on them? I'm guessing you didn't think about it. It probably happened on its own without you realizing it until it smacked you upside the head. He (or she) walked by & you felt it. And I would bet 100 bucks on the fact that after you realized your crush you didn't stop & think about if it was right or not.

Every time I meet a homophobic person, I think about my first crush & how all of my crushes happened. I didn't choose any of them. Each crush happened like I said before- it just kind of smacked me upside the head. What if the first attraction I'd felt was to a girl? What if? What if their first attraction had been to a person of the same gender? To them, they chose to not be attracted to the same sex, but just like everyone else they just felt it.

Just as I couldn't change what sex I'm attracted to, neither can gay people. Sure, for some, it may happen over time, but it's usually not something you can decide to do & just do it. Even if that was possible, I still believe you'd always feel a little off about your relationships.

The main point I'm trying to make here is that I think it's so totally wrong for people to expect others to ignore their instincts & feelings when they believe it's perfectly ok for them to listen to their own. Why are there people that believe there is actually a right & a wrong decision when it comes to LOVE?

I didn't choose who I love. It just happened one day; I was smacked in the face with it & I'm just lucky enough that he happened to feel the same way. If I can live happily ever after in peace & have no one tell me my choice is wrong, why shouldn't everyone be allowed to also?

I feel evil

I feel evil because my sister has been having stomach pain/issues for much longer than she should. That doesn't make me evil, but halfway wishing that she's developed IBS does. The evil half of me hopes that she has so I have someone I'm really close to that gets it. Like really gets it.

But the not-so-evil half really hopes it's nothing more than a pesky stomach bug who's worn out his welcome. Even though halves should be equal, that half if much, much bigger. Because I'd never actually wish this on anyone else.


One more thing before I go: today was absolutely spectacular. It doesn't even bug me that it was incredibly windy. Can all of winter be like today? Pretty please?

I had the best post

After something that happened at work tonight, I had the best post ever. But then I realized I can't even post about it because it technically has to do with one of our patients.

The gist of it is that there are some scary people in Lawrence, and I'm getting the hell out as soon as I graduate...maybe sooner. I know there are scary people everywhere, but I think there are much safer places I could move than here. While doing my job, even though we have things that a lot of people really want, I've never felt like I was in danger before. After tonight, I'm not going to be as naive. I'm definitely going to be more aware of my surroundings & not assume the best in every person.



(stealing this from @nesbik) Do tell: have you ever felt you're in danger at work?

Yawn

I'm getting slightly bored with posting every day. I usually don't remember to post until about 10 or 11pm, so they come from a very groggy me.

That makes for pretty worthless posts. I'd like to say that I'll try to start posting earlier in the day when I might actually care about writing (um...typing?) a good post, but I've got a couple of busy weeks ahead.

The two things I can say about today are that a) I bought a perfect pair of jeans- the only ones I've ever had that are long enough to drag the ground and b) dogs REALLY like to eat things they shouldn't. My two ruined a perfect day at the dog park trying to eat things they shouldn't. Well at least I thought they ruined it. They probably had the time of their lives trying to get around me to what they wanted.

Baby steps, meet big step

I.ate.CHICKEN.today. Like chicken chicken. From a FAST FOOD restaurant.

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Remember, remember the 5th of November

I've seen V for Vendetta an ungodly amount of times. But it's just one of those movies that never gets old...maybe that's because we only watch it once a year.

Anyway, I spent quite a lovely day...all day...on the couch. After last night and waking up still feeling sick this morning I decided to forgo class. I'm a little nervous about that because my lab teacher didn't email me back saying it was ok to miss. I realize that the worst thing that could possibly happen is that I'll lose points for not showing up, but a little part of me thinks my lab teacher thinks I'm worthless. I just wish I had a body with fewer problems.

Apparently this is a stream of consciousness post- I was thinking about that last night after it happened. Why did I get so lucky to be BLESSED with a body like this? As if IBS, heart palpitations, breast lumps, etc etc etc isn't enough, it has to go and fail on me when I'm at work having a good day? I mean at least in the past I feel it coming on. This crap completely blindsided me and I can't even put a name to what happened.

Oh well. I'm going to get blood work done when I'm feeling better, make sure nothing major is wrong and just focus on getting healthy. I'm not yet quite sure how that's going to happen, but I want so badly to be one of those people who is always healthy and never has to let anyone down because their body fails them. Some day.

Hrmm

I think the hardest thing for me about this month is going to be coming up with new titles every day. What do you title something when you're not really talking about anything but just updating?

Anyway, I almost was going to forget about doing it today because I had quite the...um...experience, we'll say, at work today. It was a good day for once- not very busy at all. Right before this happened it had picked up a little bit, but nothing we couldn't handle. So I was on the phone and all of a sudden I got ridiculously hot. I turned on the fan and assumed that would start to help in a bit. It definitely didn't. I started feeling really faint and started sweating. Before I knew it I was about to pass out and feeling extremely nauseous. I think I mumbled something to the pharmacist about not feeling well and going to sit down.

Somehow I made it to the chair in the back and sat down. I just sat there trying not to fall off (it's a tall chair) and willing myself to not a) pass out or b) puke. Did I mention I couldn't see on the way back to the chair? I was half blacking out half seeing bright lights that blocked my vision. After about 15 minutes of listen to the pharmacy get extremely busy but not being able to help in any way, my vision started to clear up and I could sit up straight.

I got really lucky and Alexey got the mass text I sent out to coworkers to see if someone could come in for me. He had stopped by the store to drop something off, so he was able to drive me home since I was in no condition to. I made a doctor appointment, but she said that my nerves were responding correctly and that my heart sounded good, so there was really nothing she could do. She said to call if it happened again and that I should get a blood test to check if I'm anemic when I'm not feeling as faint.

So I'm sitting here now chugging water and laying in bed. I just started thinking straight...yup, 3 hours later...and luckily remembered my goal to post every day.

Ok, another goal of mine for this month is to post something positive even if it's mostly about a negative. The positive part of this evening's events was that I forced myself to actually go see a doctor. I wasn't nervous about going in even though I've kind of been afraid of them for a few years because sick people go to the doctor. Also, the doctor was hacking in my face, but I haven't worried one bit about that. For some reason I actually think it's kind of funny....on second thought, maybe I am still a little bit loopy & out of it...

Worry

I tweeted last week about a book I bought that is all about controlling your worry. It might be the best damn purchase I've ever made.


I'm about halfway through it right now, and I've already cut my worrying in half. If you're a chronic worrier, you know how bothersome it can get. It seemed like I was always amped up and so tense. I'd constantly have thoughts going through my head that would make me anxious. Don't get turned off by that word- anxious.

When I first went to see this therapist, she called what I was feeling "anxiety." Everyone knows that there's a stigma attached to anxiety, so I kind of pushed it away and ignored her. I kept calling it stressed instead of anxious. She must have noticed this and pulled out her DSM IV. Welp- it's definitely anxiety. Whatever it's called doesn't matter. I feel how I feel and that's that.

Anyway, since she suggested these books (there's a stress one too), I decided to order them. I started the one about worry the first day I got it. It has a lot of exercises to help you implement what you're learning. One of the first things it has you do is start a worry journal. I started keeping mine on Google Calendar so I could track it more easily and not have to dig out a notebook every time I worried.

I was SHOCKED after the first day. I worry so much more than I had realized! The first step to decreasing my worry and eventually my stress level was just being aware of how much it happens. The next step was actively thinking about what I was worrying about- was it productive or unproductive? Almost all of my worry was unproductive and completely worthless.

I'm now getting to the part where it starts telling me how to control my worry, and I'm really excited. I can't believe how calm I feel compared to this time last week. The best thing about it is that you don't even need to see a therapist to stop worrying. This book, as long as you really do the exercises, can help you decrease your worrying.

If you ever wish you could just shut your brain off for a second or that you could worry less, this book is definitely something to think about. It's cheap- about $11 and about 140 pages long. Here's a link, or just ask me if you can borrow it when I'm done.

Who I miss the most

This was the first blog idea I saw posted on @nablopomo's Twitter page that seemed doable to me, so here we go!

I never have a straight answer for anything, and even with something as simple as this, I still don't. There are actually two people that I'm missing quite a bit right now and the reason for missing them is the same. While Alexey has become quite the sports fan (thanks to you know who), he still doesn't quite stack up.

My dad and I used to watch games together all the time. He was my yelling buddy....I definitely got that from him. We also had fun commenting on the games and seeing who came the closest to saying what the announcer was going to say before he said it. Obviously, he was the one who taught me everything I know about sports, so now that I've really gotten back into watching them, I miss watching them with him.

The other person is my old friend Chris. When we'd watch games together we'd almost always be rooting for opposite teams, so there was a lot of bickering involved. He's pretty much the only close friend I've had over the years who was more into sports than I was. Now that we don't keep in close contact, I'm missing having a friend who loves sports just as much as I do. But he's a- excuse my French- Kentucky fan, so you can bet he'll be hearing plenty of crap from me this basketball season.

Speaking of which- did you see the 'Hawks last night? We looked pretty damn good! Much better than I thought we would after losing so many leaders. I'm pretty stinkin' excited for this season! Rock Chalk!

Nablopomo

I'm joining in whether you like it or not. Yes, so I'm a couple days late- sue me! I didn't know this existed until I saw a tweet about it today, so there's my excuse. Last year I tried out Nanowrimo & that was a MAJOR fail...this should definitely be more manageable for me.

I'm going to post 3 times today to a) annoy the shit out of my readers :) and b) catch up for missing out on the last 2 days.

For the most part, I'm probably just going to follow the prompts @nablopomo is posting. That way they'll be short and sweet posts and not annoy you too much. Because I actually don't really enjoy annoying you.

I guess since I'm doing this, I should come up with a goal. So here it is: write without nitpicking. I tend to read back through what I've written quite a few times before actually posting it to make sure there's nothing too offensive, no misspellings, no horrible grammar, etc. So, please, don't judge me :)

Happy blogging!

Family

In my adult life, more often than not, I haven't been able to say many good things about my relationship with members of my immediate family. But lately, it's been getting better and better.

And it couldn't come at a better time.

I'm getting along well with both of my sisters and am having adult conversations, etc with them. The problem with maturing faster than your siblings is that you don't get along well until everyone has matured to a certain point. It seems like we've all almost hit that point. My youngest sister is 3 years younger than me and obviously seemed to take forever to get there. She, of course, still isn't on the same level of maturity I am, but she's doing fewer and fewer things that annoy me. My middle sister surprised the other day and told me she's moving at least 3 states away after graduation. Talk about a mature decision.

I'm hoping as we get older and let go of some of our adolescent tendencies we'll all get along as we should. But for now, I'm happy that we get along at all. Feeling like I have something in common with them besides parents is a great feeling.

I'm also talking to my dad more. Before a few months ago, the only conversations we'd have were "catching up" conversations that you'd expect to have with your great aunt or high school friends. While he still forgets major details of my life (like calling my IBS heartburn the other day), we're making some major progress in rebuilding our relationship. It would be much easier if he lived closer so I could visit regularly, but at least we're getting somewhere. Before I didn't feel like I'd ever get back the relationship I had with him when he was living with us, but now I think it's at least somewhat salvageable.

And in keeping with the happy undertone of this post, I will not mention my mother ;D

List | My Dream Jobs

I got this idea from Anna who got it from this blog. Thanks! If I could be anything, I would be (in no particular order):

1) A therapist- probably a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist so people didn't come to me just for their meds

2) A teacher- I can't decide if I'd rather teach preschool/kindergarten or high school aged kids. Do I want to have an impact on them at the beginning of their education/break into the outside world or once they become disillusioned?

3) A daycare provider

4) Manager of an animal shelter

5) An editor- I LOVE fixing people's mistakes :)

6) A professional organizer

7) A writer- so I could finish my book & write many others like it

8) A singer- on Broadway so I didn't have to deal with the fame like pop stars do. But this Broadway gig would require NO DANCING!

9) An architect

10) A builder- I might even enjoy this more than the actual designing of buildings.

11) A basketball player- however, 24-year-old-me can't imagine doing this now with how bad my knees already hurt on a day to day basis!

12) A dog trainer

13) A ghost hunter- how fitting for #13!

14) A list maker- I'm obviously good at them :D

15) A pharmacist- but now that I'm in the profession, or at least close to it, I have a few requirements. No corporate hovering over me & controlling my every move, lots of face to face time with patients, and no insurance or at least scanable insurance cards so I don't have to guess at which info to enter & patients who understand and accept their insurance copays wholly.

16) A researcher- so I could figure out what causes IBS. And find a cure for it as well as headaches & cancer.

I'm sure I could come up with so many more, but I think 16 is already a bit excessive!

Random thought of the day | Bruised bananas

I had the most random thought just now as I stood waiting for my popcorn to pop: why in the WORLD do I take the whole bunch of bananas, knowing that I refuse to eat the bruised ones, if there are ANY bruised ones in the bunch? Who says you have to take them just because they're connected to the rest of the bunch?

Now that I've realized this, I'm going to be individually selecting my bananas and not just taking them like they're part of the package deal.

Sigh

I feel like all I have to say is pessimistic- or at least viewed that way. That's probably why I rant about things so much on here...it's better to rant about something than annoy people with my constant complaining.

I don't know if any of you have ever felt like this, but I feel like I'm constantly annoying people with my complaining. I know what you're thinking- "Just stop then!" but I can't. I have two positive things in my life- my boyfriend and my pets. The pets are iffy though- they can be hella annoying some days and make my mood even worse. But most of the time they make me happy.

Five years ago I would have been one of the people on the other side saying, "Why can't you just cheer up?" My family was fine, my health was fine, I was sailing through school, finances were great, friends were awesome, I played sports, I went out, I was happy. I can't say that anymore. My family is a complete mess, my health is shit, school is not only hard but I'm constantly stressing out about just keeping up, work is stressful, finances are ok but next year worries me, I have 1 friend (who is awesome, but I still miss having a close girl friend and my group of guy friends), I don't have time to do anything & even when I do I just feel like sitting at home and relaxing, and I just don't feel happy.

I have to mention here so no one gets worried that Alexey has nothing to do with my unhappiness; our relationship still amazes me. It's everything that goes on outside of our house that gets me down. A decade ago I could classify myself as stressed out. There's a lot of shit going on in my life that most people just don't have to deal with. But nowadays what I'm feeling is classified as "depressed." It's like I'm not allowed to have a couple of bad years while I sort out how to deal with everything. People tell me how worried they are about me. While I appreciate it, I don't always appreciate how they tell me I need to get on some medicine or start seeing a therapist. Medicine, I do not need. A therapist, I'll definitely consider.

My so-called "depression" does not come from nothing. It's not like my life is still as great as it was a decade ago. I'm not sure why everyone expects me to put on a happy face as I'm going through all of this- now that would not be normal. What I'm feeling is not caused by a chemical imbalance, it's caused by change. Not good change but bad change. Change that is going to take some adapting to get used to; some planning to get out of the mess. Most of all it's going to take time- I'm already well aware of that as it's been a couple of years since everything started on this downhill path.

I just wish that people wouldn't be so quick to categorize what I'm feeling. Allow me to feel some emotion instead of wanting me to cover it up with drugs. But what I've found is that most people are uncomfortable when another person shows a negative emotion- they just don't know how to deal with it. I can't even tell you how often I've been asked how my weekend was & replied honestly with, "Shitty," and had the other person stare blankly back at me before turning and pretending to be busy.

Am I supposed to lie in a situation like that? Because that's what I've started doing. I'm normally a brutally honest person. If you ask me a question, I want to answer it honestly. Why should I cover up anything? That's just not me. But lately I've started covering up problems in my life because no one really wants to hear it. They only want to hear about people having good times and enjoying life.

Like I said earlier I am going to start seeing a therapist to get some help with ways to sort through everything I'm dealing with. I bet a few of you feel uncomfortable with me admitting that since most people don't like to admit that they have to ask for help. Having everything out in the open for me is therapeutic. A couple of years ago I thought it helped if I just kept my smile plastered on and pretended everything was ok. That ate me up inside and I walked around feeling like I just needed to scream half the time.

I don't know where I'm really going with this post except to say that I'm tired of feeling like I need to keep my problems and bad mood hidden and that I wish I could be more open with people. Not even that- I wish I could be more open and have people actually be comfortable with that. That people could feel like it's ok to open up and that living such private lives isn't how it should be. I know I can't be the only person out there who feels this way.

On Babies...Again

I've been watching The Rachel Zoe Project.

Rodger & Rachel are older and haven't had any children yet. The show is really putting a lot of emphasis on the fact that not having kids yet is putting a strain on their marriage. Obviously I don't know the details of their relationship & I don't know if they've had as many talks about kids as Alexey & I have. As an outsider looking in, it seems as though they each want kids and had decided to have them until Rachel's career got in the way. Once again, this is purely speculation.

Watching the show makes me worry that Alexey & I will turn out that way if we go through with skipping the whole kid thing. Or that by the time we realize being childless isn't for us I'll be too old to have children. What I could really use is some perspective from couples who have lived a life without children.

Naturally, I went to Google hoping to find exactly what I was looking for. What did I find? I found some stories from and a few websites for couples who've decided to not have kids. The problem? All of these people seem to HATE kids! Out of our many reasons for not wanting to have kids, hating them is NOT on the list. Sure, kids can be extremely annoying sometimes, but they are also pretty awesome other times. Ok, my point here is that I don't hate kids. So reading blogs and articles by so-called "child-free" couples that hate children doesn't really give me the perspective I need.

I also can't really get it from what seems to be the other half of childless couples- the ones who can't physically conceive. Not that we've tried yet (gasp- they're virgins!), but I'd assume I'm fertile. I haven't been forced into the idea of not having kids. So I can't relate at all to those couples either.

Even if I did find articles written by people just like me in similar situations, I'm still not sure it would help us make our decision. It would be a much easier decision except for expectations. Ugh...that's such a dirty word. Society (oh god, here I go getting deep...don't worry it won't last too long) expects married couples to have babies. And when they don't have babies, it's not just strange- it's wrong. Alexey & I aren't even married yet & people already continually ask when we're going to start popping out babies. *sigh*

Family is another issue. They also expect us to have kids. Here it's a slightly different story. If we don't have kids, they take it personally. We're denying them of grandkids. That's obviously hard for them, but even harder on us. Making decisions is easy when it only affects you and you alone. When your decisions affect others- and take away something from them- it gets hard, really freakin hard.

I don't want to turn this into a post again about why we don't want kids. I really just wanted to keep it about finding out what it's like for people who have been there and done that. If you have any perspective on this at all, share please! I'd love to hear it. If you don't want to post it publicly I'll try to post something in my sidebar to allow you to email me.

Update on Tuck

I just realized that I haven't posted an update about Tuck...actually I don't think I've blogged at all about him yet! I was pretty surprised the other day to find out that a few people I work with didn't know that we'd gotten another dog. This was for an obvious reason- we had been hiding it from everyone!

Once people found out about him, they thought it was silly that we'd been hiding it, but we did it for a good reason. So many people already judge us for having as many animals as we do & we just wanted to be happy with our new dog instead of worrying about what people thought about us having him. We thought it'd be much easier for someone to find out on their own, say, "You got another dog?! How are you going to handle that?!" and for us to be able to reply, "Oh, we're handling it just fine, thank you, and have been for the past 2 months." It definitely was easier that way.

Now when we first got him, I wasn't sure. He was a very independent dog & we'd always find him in another room sleeping alone. He and Koopa just didn't play all that often, so we thought...ahem...I thought it wasn't going to work out. But as time went on & he got more comfortable with us & Koopa, we all fell in love. All of the things that I'd been worrying about vanished & it's really been great.

He and Koopa play all day except for when they're sleeping or eating. They do a very good job of entertaining themselves so we don't have to keep Koopa interested as often (not that we'd mind it!). Koopa now eats two times a day instead of nibbling all day long. They take naps together, they clean each others teeth, and now they have another dog to play tug with.

Tuck is also an incredibly smart dog. He has learned so much in the couple of months since we got him...he's even better at Koopa on most commands. My favorite part about him is that he is so attentive. Koopa has no problem completely ignoring us, but Tuck almost seems like he's waiting for us to ask him to do something. Every time we move, he looks up and makes eye contact like he's saying, "What can I do for you?" It's awesome.

I do have some complaints obviously. My first one is actually kind of humorous. I have two very noisy dogs. This doesn't change when they're playing; actually it's worse when they do. And they play all the time. They slam each other into walls, grab each others legs and drag the other around by them, and whine/make Chewbacca noises while they play. Most of the time it's downright funny, but sometimes when I'm studying I just can't take it! We're definitely working on decreasing the damn noise. The second complaint is that they like to play too much! When I take them out to go to the bathroom, they do their thing, but on the way back in they start playing. This normally wouldn't be a problem except that they're ON LEASH and -worst of all- attached to me! I bet this really cracks the neighbors up seeing me get dragged around by two nutty dogs.

But really, I'm just so incredibly happy to have 2 dogs & 3 cats that are happy and so loved. They improve my life so much & I really hope that we do the same for them. Now before I get too sappy, here are some pictures of my boys and even a video so you believe me about Chewbacca.

Health Literacy

Restaurant workers say "on the fly" and "86" on a daily basis. Others have no idea what that means. Every field has their own lingo, but the use of most of that lingo never affects anyone in a bad way. If a server says "86 the mayo," no one will be any worse off because of it.

In health care, however, it's a different story. There is a medical language that takes years of school to fully understand. Since most health care professionals have been through all of the schooling necessary to learn the lingo, it is commonplace to them and they use it in day-to-day interactions.

The problem with this is when they forget to translate what they're saying into something their patients can understand. Most health care professionals forget that this is even an issue because they have forgotten what it's like to listen to someone spout off something at them and have no idea what was just said. It's hard to go back to before they had the knowledge they do, and explain what they have to say in a manner that will make it easy for anyone to understand.

So how can we solve this problem? It's obvious that patients and doctors/pharmacists/nurses/surgeons/etc need to be able to communicate and fully understand each other. Without a full understanding, there will continue to be a high number of mistakes and misunderstanding that could majorly affect a patient's life. Even the relationship between manufacturer and patient can be difficult. Instructions on bottles often make little sense or are so dense with information that the necessary information can't even be located.

One thing I know it that health care professionals need to continually work on that most important word: care. They need to take time to listen to their patients' complaints and acknowledge their worries. The need to come up with a plan to take care of the patients' medical problems, but in doing that they must make certain the patient fully understands certain things like how they should take it, what they're taking it for, and how long they're expected to stay on it.

Imagine two people. Both are 25 years old. One has played basketball competitively for many years; the other has never seen a basketball before. One is going to fly through a basketball drill with ease while the other one will fumble around foolishly. One will leave with a great sense of accomplishment; another will leave embarrassed and discouraged. One will have known exactly what was going on during the drill; the other will still be confused and never really understand what happened during the drill.

Apply this analogy to a patient and a doctor. Can you see how a doctor's visit can be experienced in two very different ways by different people? Obviously navigating health care won't be as difficult for some people as it is for others, but that doesn't mean we can just overlook it.


A friend linked me to this video that talks about this topic. While it's a bit dated, we still face the same problems they show.


As a patient, what do YOU feel can be changed to make health care make more sense? What are some times that you feel like a complete health care klutz? Is there anyone that is a part of your care team (doctor/nurse/pharmacist/etc) that you feel can help you understand if you have problems?

If you have time, I'd really like to know your answers. As a student, I have obviously seen health care professionals go from driven young people to overworked workers in a matter of years. It's no different from other careers- people get burnt out doing what they do. But as health care professional we can't let our level of care slip because we have forgotten what it's like to really care if our message gets through. I'd love it if you can offer me some insight. Thanks!

My new favorite mythical creature...the Alot

If you haven't read this blog post, do it now! Thanks to Carly for sharing!

Forcing beliefs on others

It seems like every time I watch Trading Spouses or Wife Swap, I get pretty fired up about something. They find the most ridiculous families to film for those shows.

Anyway, last night I was watching Trading Spouses. Between the two, I definitely prefer Wife Swap. They get 2 weeks for the swap and it's much more structured than Trading Spouses. By the end of Wife Swap, each family seems to have become more open minded to different cultures/people, but with Trading Spouses pretty much everyone just ended up pissed off and ready to go home.

Last night one of the families was vegan. The other family gave swamp tours in the bayou (in Louisiana) and eats a lot of meat. What bothered me so much was the vegan mom.

Don't get me wrong- I'm all about people having beliefs and defending them if anyone tries to test them, but do NOT try to force them on other people! While this woman was in Louisiana, they threw a couple of parties. At each party, she would try to talk people into becoming vegan. At the second one, she even showed an informational video about veganism (right after dinner) and sobbed through the whole thing.

That brings me to my point. Just because you have chosen to live a certain way or do things a certain way does not mean you should try to convert people. This is true for many things. In this case, it was veganism, in others it's religion or morals. There's a difference between educating people that ask and forcing your information on them. As an example, I'd never get an abortion, but I'd also never go up to someone who was getting one and tell her that she's an idiot for doing it and that she'll burn in hell for making that decision...not that I think that would/should happen to people that get abortions.

All I'm really saying is that I'm tired of people that try to make everyone else do what they have decided is right. People live separate lives and should be able to meander down their own path without someone getting in the way and trying to alter where their life is going. As soon as people on a LARGE scale get this, I think there are going to be a lot fewer problems in the world. Everyone just needs to be happy with how their life has panned out and stop worrying about changing others' lives.

I need help with names!

So summer is rapidly approaching and this makes me very VERY happy! For one, school will be out! But secondly, we have just over 30 days until we can start looking for the newest member of our family!

We are getting a puppy (ish...she will be older, most likely, than how old Koopa was when we got him), and we need to figure out what we're going to name her! If you can only name dogs based on what they look like, I can give you some guidelines. We're looking for either a) a shepherd-type dog that looks similar to Koopa or b) a black lab/border collie mix. And if you think her name needs to mesh with our other animals' (or at least Koopa's) names, their names are Pumpkin, Macy, Jilly and Koopa. Here is the list we have going so far:

• Kenzie
• Zoey
• Daisy (Mario theme...)
• Kasha (pronounced Kah-shuh)
• Ruby
• Piper
• Kya (pronounced Kie...as in pie...uh)

We're responsible for naming half of our animals, and the other half have been named by friends and family, so we're asking for your suggestions! Our only requirement is that it is a girl name, it's not too human (Amanda, for example), and that it's two syllables. I have more lists than you could possibly imagine getting us ready for this new addition, so if we can make a decision on a name, that would be one less list to keep track of!  If you can't think of any extra ones, feel free to at least comment on which ones on our list you like. Thanks for your help!

Need a laugh?

This post is about my dog pooing- it's not really graphic, but I thought I'd warn you anyway.
You know how most (normal) dogs go out & go right away when they need to go to the bathroom? Not my dog. Here is a glimpse into what I deal with almost every time he needs to do his business. Side note: the "bang!" is a bell next to the door that he rings when he needs to go to the bathroom.

1) Bang!
2) Look at mom (repeat 1 & 2 x 20)
3) Go outside
4) Sniff grass forever
5) Try to get the baseball from mom
6) Sniff the grass
7) STICK!
8) Chew stick
9) Lay down to chew stick (in the wet grass)
10) Chew little piece of stick ripped off as mom took away big stick
11) Eat stick
12) Sniff poop from yesterday
13) OH POOP!
14) Poop
15) Eat cockroach
16) Inside

Yep, 16 steps to get my dog to do his business and get back inside. And I laughed the entire time. Hope it made you chuckle! Happy Monday!

Random thoughts of the day

I realized that I rarely post a blatantly positive blog post, so I'm going to do that today by sharing a few random thoughts.

• The weather outside is AMAZING! The clouds are fluffy and white. The beautiful blue sky is visible. It's just breezy and not windy.
• The trees outside are big enough now that birds can sit in them. Know what that means? I get to listen to the sweet songs they sing.
• Koopa and the cats are absolutely loving having the windows open. They've been laying in front of them all day.
• Since I started lifting weights a couple of days ago, I've gained 3 pounds! Losing all that weight so fast was pretty scary, so gaining it back fast has eased my worries. And it's going to be awesome to have some strength back and have arms that are more filled out. Can't wait!
• This is probably the first holiday in my 23 years that will be spent family-drama free. That in itself is freakin' amazing and unbelievable.
• I ate mini corn dogs last night and didn't get sick! I'm still on a high from it. It's been so long since I've had a meat other than turkey. I have also always loved corn dogs, so being able to eat them again (slowly and in small quantities lol) has been great.
• Did I mention this weather?!

Hope you all are enjoying your Sunday!

Every now and then...

....I miss going to church.

When I was little, I went to a Catholic school. We went to church on Sunday mornings and on Wednesdays. Every now and then we would also go on Friday mornings, but I can't remember why. We had a religion class as our first class of the day. I remember that I HATED it all.

I was a weird child. I LOVED learning, but I didn't ever feel like I learned anything in my religion class or in church. They just kept telling us a bunch of stories that didn't make any sense. But that's what we did- we were supposed to go to church and we had to go to religion class, so I did. As an aside, as I look back on it now I DID learn a lot from those "pointless" stories. They taught me the difference between right and wrong, and kind of taught me the types of morals I should possess.

When I moved and started public school, we still kept going to church every Sunday, but I no longer had any religion classes. There was an eye opener that year- I learned that other religions existed other than Catholicism. I know it's hard to believe, but, unfortunately, it is true. I started to doubt my upbringing at that point. Why didn't we get taught about other religions at my Catholic school? Why would they hide something like that from us? Was it because the other religions made more sense? Whatever the reason, I was not happy (and pretty freakin' embarrassed- oh yeah, that's the new girl. She thought Catholicism was the only religion.)
Shortly after I moved to OP, I started religion classes through our church. I think these were to prepare me for my Confirmation in 8th grade. I met a lot of great people through those classes. We also had a youth group that met during the week. This was the first time I had met kids my age that really believed everything they had been taught by the church and seemed to feel a connection with god. And I was jealous of these kids. I wanted to feel that closeness with god and know that everything I had been told was true. But the truth was that I felt nothing.

So I searched for a couple of years trying to find my way to god. Then the time came for me to be confirmed. I'm not sure why they choose 8th grade as the point in time a child is ready to accept Catholicism as their one and only religion for life, but they do. So I got confirmed. I mean really...what choice did I have? Sorry mom & dad, grandma & grandpa, but I'm just really not feeling this religion. I think I'm gonna switch or just not practice it anymore. Yeah...doesn't quite work that way.

I was kind of hoping that my Confirmation would be the magic switch that opened up a line of communication with god. No such luck. Nothing changed at all, except now I supposedly had a new middle name- Rose, after some random saint I chose and wrote a paper on. Well, I guess one thing did change- I felt like I owned my faith and that it was my responsibility now. So I started paying attention in church. Instead of speaking the prayers and various things we do, I listened. And I tried to understand what it all meant...why it was we were saying those things. I watched people, looking to see if they had that connection that I was looking for.

You know what I found? I heard people droning on, speaking words that they knew by heart but did not say from the heart. I saw people checking their watches, checking their texts/emails/etc, or even people staring at the ceiling as their mouths moved along with everyone else's. I heard the priest give sermons about how we needed to give more money to the church so that we could build a new church. Then after church was over, these "holy" people would avert their eyes and practically run to the safety of their cars in which they would speed out of the parking lot without any regard for the safety of others around them. Hands would fly up, curse words would escape their lips, as if nothing they had just witnessed in church had ever happened.

We were just in the presence of Jesus himself. You said you believed that, you confirmed it when you took his body and drank his blood. But it was all a lie because just like me you felt nothing and you believe none of it. You are here because you have to be. Because it's what you've always done and will always do.

These people baffled me. I went to school with a lot of people that went to my church. They were all what I considered "bad" kids. This is the point where you're going to think, "Ugh, she's such a prude." Damn right I am. Anyway, they were having sex, smoking, drinking, cursing and didn't seem to have any respect for anyone outside their social circle. Everything they did contradicted everything my moral upbringing had taught me. But these kids showed up for church every single Sunday.

Was I supposed to be fake too? Sit through church and pretend like I was touched and that I believed? Was I supposed to act like a "good" kid in front of my religion teachers and youth group and then do bad things when they weren't around? From what I'd learned about morals from my religion classes, I was not. I was supposed to act according to my morals at all times. And I did. I seriously did not say "fuck" until I was 18 years old. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I hadn't even kissed a boy (not that kissing is a bad thing), and I was a great student.

I guess my idea of religion was something that made a group of people have integrity. They were to act the same way at all times because they were living for god. When the priest actually gave a sermon that wasn't asking for money, he would talk about things like that. So why didn't these people who came to church and acted all holy apply what they pretended to believe to their lives?

This was the point where I just got fed up with it all. I didn't want to pretend. I wanted to actually feel like I had a relationship with god. I wanted a priest (or pastor) who actually cared enough about their faith to not get sucked into a money making plan and focus only on that. I wanted to be surrounded by kids who were like me instead of ones who shunned me because I was like they should have been. I wanted role models that I could actually look to for help when I was struggling with my faith, not ones who I couldn't even trust to not run me over after church.

So I gave up Catholicism. By then my family had mostly stopped going to church because it took up too much of their schedule (a whole HOUR out of their week!), and I had been going alone. So when I quit going no one really cared. No one from church called to see where I was, and the only people that would have cared (my grandparents) were being lied to by my parents so they wouldn't know.

The hardest part was telling my family I didn't consider myself Catholic anymore. My little sister: "WHAT?!?! You were born Catholic, you just can't stop being Catholic!" Uh, it's a religion, not a skin color or something. They were very disappointed with me, but I didn't understand why. I was the one who had tried so hard to make it work for me. And even when they had stopped going to church, I would go by myself to see if I could have my breakthrough with god.

It may sound like I'm bashing Catholicism, but I'm not. The people who actually believed in it (my grade school teachers) used it to shape me into the person I am today, and I will be forever grateful for that. But my experience with religion has just made me a little wary of ANY religions at all. I think people get too focused on what they have to do per their religion instead of just feeling their way through their relationship with god.
So for the past few years I've just been working on developing my faith instead of following a religion. And it amazes me how much this confuses people. "But if you don't have a religion, how can you believe in god?" To me that's kind of like someone asking who's method I use to train my dog, me responding with, "Well really I'm just sort of winging it," and them not being able to comprehend that. Just because I don't have a set of rules to follow doesn't mean I still can't be faithful.

But the truth is that even after my "split" with the Catholic church, I still can't say that I have ever felt god's presence. Part of it, I'm sure, is that the book that most people use to prove the existence of god uses stories that are really hard to believe coming at it from a scientific point of view. I just can't rationally justify the existence of a higher power.

So, after over 1500 words, I've come back to my main point. I feel lonely. When I believed in god and was trying to feel his presence in my life, I thought I felt nothing. But now that I've practically given up that part of my life, I feel like there is a void. Does that mean that I did find my connection with god without knowing it? I don't know.

That leaves me asking myself how I find something to fill that void in my life. Do I go back to church? Can I convince myself to start believing in god again? The really sad part is that I don't have the people in my life to talk about religious issues anymore. My parents don't have time for me anymore, my grandparents still don't even know that I'm struggling with my faith (or that I'm not Catholic anymore...my wedding is going to be a HUGE shocker), and my sisters would just tell me, "It's easy. I don't see what the big deal is." The other side of me keeps asking if I really even need to find my way back to god.

Honestly, I do want to feel like I have a higher purpose in this life and feel like there's someone up there making sure the shit doesn't hit the fan, but I don't think I could ever be like those "holier than thou" people. I don't want to be the person who annoys everyone (which I'm sure I already have) by bringing up god's name and talking about having a relationship with him. I guess I just want to have a private relationship with him, if I even want that.

Faith is confusing to me because it really is a huge part of my life, but it's something that I understand so little. I'm scared of it and want to push it away just as much as I yearn for it to be a part of my life. I'll close by saying: you rock, reader, for making it this far!

Happy Birthday Punk!

My girls all have their birthdays in March and today is Pumpkin's 3rd birthday! Here she is getting some love from Macy...

Love

Boys: if you gag when you see/hear something sappy, I recommend skipping this post...
I have a happy, deep thought type post to write! Yay! Apparently blogging about being out of ideas spurs the creative juices :)

As I sit here watching my doggy sleep and snore like a pot belly pig, I can't help but start thinking about the potential second dog that might be joining our family this summer. We've already got 3 cats and a dog, so I was wondering: how much love is the human heart (mine specifically) capable of?
This is something I worried about when we got Macy, then when we got Koopa, and yet again when we got Jilly. But each time, my heart opened up even more and I ended up loving each one as much as the other. And I love my boyfriend more and more every day, even though I didn't think I could ever love him more than the first time he told me he "liked me so much he loved me." :)

So why, if I've already loved so much more than I thought I could, am I worried about being able to love another dog? With all the people that are giving me crap for getting yet another animal, you'd think that it's them I'm worried about. That I wouldn't want to be looked at as the "crazy girl" with 5 animals.

Here's the deal: I know how we live. I know our house is cleaner and more organized than most all of theirs. I know that every one of our animals is completely loved and cared for. I know just how long (and it's been a long time) we've been considering this...going through our budget over and over, reconsidering how Koopa gets along with other dogs, doing test runs with his dog friends, making sure his training is complete enough that he won't act up once another dog is in the picture. So no, I'm not worried at all about the opinions of other people because I know we have prepared and are (physically) ready for another dog.

I'm worried about the unknowns- the things I can't control. Such as love. Can I love another dog? When Koopa was going through his teenage phase and rebelling against everything we had taught him, making it seem as though we'd never spent at least 30 minutes a day training him, I still loved him. When he was acting up and all I wanted to do was scream at him, I did the opposite (usually)...I loved him. I smiled at him, pet him, picked up a toy and played with him. Guess what that did? It made him snap out of it! We were told that this phase could last for up to a year and we broke though it in just a few months. What that tells me is that if I can open up my heart and let another dog in, so much good will come of it.

We will have another dog to bring us joy and Koopa will feel whole. If those people that call us idiots could see him with other dogs then compare that to when he's at home alone, I think they'd really understand one of the reasons we want another dog. Koopa is one of those dogs that needs a partner in crime. And we want to raise another puppy...and we CAN raise another puppy. All I have to do is figure out that my heart is capable of infinite love and everything will be ok.

Idea Drought

I'm having a thought drought. I've had zero blog ideas for quite a while. I guess it's just because I'm trying to focus as much of my attention on school that I possibly can, but it sucks that it has to affect the personal (fun) part of life.

One thing I can talk about- I switched to WordPress, in case you hadn't noticed. I'm getting used to it, slowly. I'm not really liking the vibe as I type here...it makes it really hard to focus on my words, and those are obviously an important part of my blog. One thing I like is that there are a lot of things you can change. Once you get used to all the controls, it's pretty cool. If you are worried about having to transfer over all of your old posts manually- don't worry! Josh & Jenny Solar were nice enough to help me figure out how to easily transfer them over. I have almost 300 posts between my 3 blogs, and it took all of 5 minutes to get it done. Let me know if you want help. Overall, I think I'm pretty excited to be using WordPress. I will miss how in depth Blogger Analytics was (maybe I can figure out how to incorporate that into my WordPress blogs), and I will miss a few other things about Blogger, but it's a good thing. I think. :)

I know there are SO MANY of you out there that hang on my every word, so to you all: I'm sorry. I'll try to get my creative juices flowing so you have interesting things to read, but I can't promise anything.

(You did catch the sarcasm in that last paragraph, right? Hehe)

I made the switch to Word Press

I'm not sure how I feel about it yet...I'll update ya'll if I switch back :)

http://rkinamrok.wordpress.com/

:(

My soul died today.

I'm damaged goods

You know how a lot of people that have dated and been hurt before tend to stay away from dating for a while? I just realized tonight that I'm the same way- but with friends.

All the close friends I've ever had have left me. Not the way a significant other would, but either I've moved away or they've moved away. So now I find myself hesitantly meeting new people. I'd really like to make new friends since almost all of mine have moved away, but I don't want to be left behind again.

When I make friends, I tend to become really close to most of them. As you can probably deduce from past posts, I don't get along very well with my family, so my friends become my family. But as I form close relationships, I'm afraid I'm going to be left behind...again. It's especially hard with where I'm at in school right now because although I've made a few acquaintances in pharmacy school, most of them are from other states. And most of the people my age that I meet outside pharmacy school are graduating this year.

So I tend to be slightly standoffish so I don't get too close to people, and if I do become close to someone, I start to pull away when I see that the dreaded moving away period is getting closer. I noticed that I'm starting to do it with Jacob. (I'm guessing he just did a double take after seeing his name lol) We're really good friends, (awww) but since he graduated I feel like he is moving past where we are in our lives. He's a grown up now, and I'm still stuck in school for 2 more years. He also keeps talking about moving away. So up goes my guard...I guess it's "hurt them before they hurt you."

But why do I have a problem with this? Why can't I just settle for short term friendships and just be happy with them while they last? I think part of it is because I look at my parents, and I'm terrified I'll end up like them. They both had tons of friends in college, but since they went to school out of state, they ended up friendless when they moved back home.

Maybe I just need to wait until I graduate college and focus on making lasting friendships then, when everyone is pretty much settled in where they want to be and aren't going anywhere. There are just so many people in my life right now that I want to have closer relationships with but a) I've been friends with my old friends for so long that I forgot how to make new ones and b) I'm scared that once they're a part of my life they're going to leave.

A woman came to talk to our class last week about her fight with breast cancer. As she told us about her chemo, she didn't cry. Then she told us about her mastectomy, still no tears. But then she started talking about how her friends were there with her through the whole thing, and she cried. Hard. So hard she couldn't talk for a few minutes. I want to have friends like that when I'm older. I just want meaningful and lasting friendships, and I don't want them to end.

Really good friendships that fade away are harder to get over than past boyfriends. When you enter into a relationship, it's common knowledge that both of you are going to try to make it work as long as you can. With friendships, it's not quite the same. With friends, it's more of "I'm here when you need me until I'm not." If a friend wants to move away, they usually won't stay just because you ask them to. And when they're gone, as hard as you try to keep the friendship going, it's never going to be the same. And here's where it's different from relationships- you will have new people come into your life, but you'll always think back to those really good friendships and miss them like hell. Old boyfriends- eh, it's better now, so you don't miss them so much, but with friends memories almost hurt. Maybe that's just me, but I feel like I lost a handful of brothers and no matter what I do I'll never get them back.

The feeling sucks. Missing them sucks. So why would I make new friends and go through that all over again?

Miss you guys!

(Michael look how naked your arm is!!!)