Time to move on

I have a history of holding onto things too long. Not in the "hoarder" sense; I have a hard time letting people from my past go. I love thinking back about my past, and I spend a lot of time wishing my present could be more like it and that the friendships I had then could be transported- as they were- to the present time.

But in the past couple of weeks, I've realized that not only is that never going to happen (I'd actually realized this long ago, I just wouldn't accept it) but I don't really want it to anymore.

Don't get me wrong- there are PLENTY of old friends that I will never let go of, but a few of them just aren't the same people. They aren't the person I knew 5-6 years ago and never will be again. Although we used to get along well and have a lot of fun together, that just wouldn't happen now or in the future because we've grown into completely different types of people. A month or so ago this would have upset me greatly, but now I'm just coming to terms with it. I've decided that I'll always have the good memories, and that trying to move forward and bring my old friendships into my future would probably just tarnish the good memories.

One thing I need to learn to do is not sabotage my memories. When I have free time to sit around and do nothing, I start to get upset about how few friends I'm still close to. I don't really have a best friend (other than Alexey) that I can text all day about nothing, no one to gossip with, no one to go to when I just feel like crying, no one to hang out with or call just to talk. Then I start thinking that maybe I just built my favorite friendships up to be more than they actually were and that the people I considered close friends had other friends they were much closer to and that I was just that tag along friend that people just put up with.

I also do the "what if" game, and wonder about what could have happened had I not joined the sorority, had I driven back to OP for more parties, had I drank more or gone out more...would I still be friends with them? Would they have cared enough more to keep in touch with me even when we moved/grew apart? But I know that's a really bad game to play. 

The important part should be that I valued those friendships, and that I have a lot of great memories with those friends. I just have to hope/believe that I will build many more close friendships as soon as school ends and I feel like I can have a life again. And if not, well, I'll just have to move on with my life.

Moving

No, I'm not moving yet, but it's something I've been considering pretty much since my family fell apart. It's probably obvious that I've never really gotten along well with most of my family, but since my parents' divorce I've wanted to move far far away to escape it all. While it's not the best reason to move, it's still not a bad one.

Alexey and I (well...mostly me because I like researching this stuff) have been researching places to live. I'd like to live in a safe place where the average home value is close to what it is here that's close to a big city but not too close. I also want to be a lot closer to the East Coast since I'm hoping to one day inherit my grandparent's beach house in Rehoboth. Right now, our pick is Raleigh, NC and the surrounding suburbs. I've been looking on realtor.com at the available houses and there are a ton of really pretty ones for great prices. I know that means that the economy probably isn't the greatest, but- thankfully- with my profession that won't be too much of a problem (hopefully!). I'm also researching crime rates and trying to figure out the best communities. While it would be GREAT to know someone out there that knows the area, city-data.com is good enough for now. The people on their forums are really helpful.

Researching is the easy part, though. But in the back of my mind I'm worried about the actual move. It's not like we have gobs and gobs of friends here, but we do have a couple that will be hard to leave behind and our family lives here. Yeah, I don't get along with my family and, in theory, it should be easy to move away, but I'll never stop wishing it will get better or trying to make it better. Being far away will either allow me to pull away completely or will help our relationship. It's just scary picking up your life and moving it halfway across the country when you know absolutely no one there. Who do I give my spare key to in case I lock myself out? Since we're not the type of people that go out often, how do we make friends? Will we be able to find people out there? Will we regret moving away from our lives here? Will Alexey miss his family who he does get along with?

There are just so many what ifs that are making me want to just give up the idea and stay put, but I really don't think I'd be happy living here. My heart has always pulled me toward the East Coast. A move would be years down the road, so I have plenty of time to grow and the answer will eventually come to us, but I can't help being a planner.

Have any of you ever picked up your life and moved to a place where you didn't know the area or hardly any people?

Cycles

So often we, as humans, fall into cycles and find it hard to break free.

Many of our parents began dating, got married, had children and began a cycle of being. They didn't love each other or maybe even their lives, but they continued the cycle. Each week, the same thing. Get the kids ready for school, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean, get the kids to bed, watch TV, go to bed. Over and over and over. If either one was unhappy, it didn't matter. Many other couples did this and stayed together, so they would too. Breaking out of the cycle to be happy wasn't accepted. Obviously now it's more socially acceptable, but you get my point.

Raising children brings up another cycle many of us follow without question. There is weird and there is normal. Normal is acceptable from the beginning while weird becomes unacceptable after a certain age or limit is passed. Who decides what is normal and what is not? Our parents. They are the ones who teach us to scoff and the little boy who goes everywhere dressed as Batman or groans when two men kiss on TV. All of the adults talk about how bullying needs to end, but who is it teaching these bullies to bully? The parents. Until a generation comes about that is totally open will we really begin to see any changes in the world. We're getting closer, but we're nowhere near there.

I had to bite my tongue at Thanksgiving this year when my family started talking about politics. The two older generations were discussing everything with such a closed mind. At one point when someone made a horrible comment about a gay man, I spoke up only to be shushed by my sister. SHUSHED. Apparently speaking up and standing up for what's right isn't acceptable because that's the way things are. Well, I spoke my mind and got quite a few opened mouth stares for saying what I thought, but they need to realize that the closed-minded people they're talking about are staring back at them in the mirror.

Cycles rule our lives. Sometimes no matter how hard we want to break free of them, we just can't. Either it's too hard  or it's something that would be frowned upon. No matter how comfortable we may feel continuing the cycle, we need to realize when it's time to break out of it. Younger generations are on the brink of many chances to do this, we just need to find the courage to stop the cycles our parents, grandparents, etc have begun and that's when the change will really begin.

Sorry if the voice in this sounds different from my own, but I just watched a movie set in England and I can't seem to stop talking like them. It's quite infuriating, honestly.

4 more days

Four.more.days.

Writing every day this month has been an experience. It has caused me to be more reflective & forced me to follow through. I honestly can't believe I've blogged every single day; at the beginning of the month I would have never thought I'd be able to come up with something to write every day. Sure, I fudged a couple of posts, but mostly I did come up with real blogs.

What I mean when I say it made me more reflective is that I realized by blogging daily that people were getting a MUCH bigger dose of Rachel this month. It made me think about what that might mean to my average blog reader. I'm aware that I'm a negative person- it's just who I've become over the past few years- but it's not always something that I "force" on people on a day-to-day basis. (Sorry, Alexey, but you chose this ;) I thought about what it would be like if I were the reader instead of the blogger & I don't think I'd keep reading after a while.

So for you, reader, I'm going to work on getting back to the happy person I used to be. She's buried deep in there somewhere & I'm going to try to dig her out. I'm not making any promises & I'm sure it's going to take a while, but believe it or not, it's difficult to be unhappy & negative. Although everyone always says that happiness is a choice, I've learned that even though you may chose to be happy, it doesn't always come easily. I've made the choice today to get back to that point, but it's not just a switch you flip. I'm going to have to face many of the things that have caused my negativity & come to terms with them. Wish me luck!

Letting go of the past

I kind of have a dilemma. When do you know the right time to let go of your friends from the past? I personally think they were the best friends I've ever had & possibly will ever have (which says a lot since I'm only 24). However, we don't see each other anymore since we don't live in the same city. Keeping up on the phone is really difficult, especially because we've all become different people- very different from who we were back then.

These aren't friends that I want to lose, but it's getting hard trying to keep them around. I don't mean hard because I have to put a lot of effort into it- that's not hard because I put zero effort into it. It's hard because it hurts to think that just because they moved away & we've grown up in the mean time our friendship is just going to kind of die.

So what am I supposed to do? Do I hang on & hope it gets better, or that they move back here & we start hanging out again? Even if that happens, our lives have changed so much that it wouldn't be anything like the "old days." When do I know that it's ok to just move on, leave it in the past, & stop worrying about it. Do I owe it to them to let them know I'm moving on (if that's what I decide to do)?

This is so hard for me because I really thought of my friends as family- they were the ones that were there to whisk me out of the house when WWIII was beginning. Not only did they keep my mind off of that, but they 100% morphed me into the open-minded, free-thinking person I am today. They corrupted me. They introduced me to my (future) husband.

This post is really poorly written, but it's hard for me to write emotional posts in a way that makes sense to people outside my head. My final thought about this is that it would be really great to know what they think. Sometimes I wonder if I thought our friendship was greater than it really was- at least to them. Maybe I'm not anywhere near a great friend & our friendship isn't one that they really care to keep up with. Yeah, I could ask, but that's awkward & difficult & I'm not sure I want to hear the answer. So what do I do? Write a blog post about it. Typical.

Two Is Enough

Do you remember how many times you were asked in high school, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I'm sure you were asked a lot. And almost always the question was followed with, "Why?"

I'm reading a book right now called "Two is Enough" which is about couples who choose to live childfree lives.  I've obviously stated that Alexey & I have decided that we do not wish to have children, but I wanted to get perspective on this choice by reading about others who have chosen the same path. Man has it opened my eyes!

Most of my followers on Twitter & my friends are aware that we don't want to have kids, and I've come across the typical responses that you'd expect. The "oh, you'll change your mind" or the more direct response from my sisters- "You're going to have kids," as if I'm pissing them off by even bringing up the subject. What I haven't seen yet is an offended response. Something like, "What, do you hate kids or something?" A lot of the couples interviewed for the book had friends or neighbors who seemed upset that they had chosen not to have children.

Here's what I don't understand about that and also where my opening paragraph comes into play. While they assume that all married couples will have kids after they get married, I assume that couples actually talk about this before they get pregnant. But as I've started talking to people around me about my choice, I've discovered this is not the case. When I've asked others why they want to have children, their response is something like, "Why not?" Just as choosing a career affects the rest of your life, so does having a child. But even bigger than a career choice- choosing to have a child changes everything about your and your spouse's life. You also have to consider what a child's life would be like if you brought them into the world. There are so many things that you must consider before having a child, and I think our culture has made it so that not many couples really consider it to be an option.  It seems to be something you do as to something you choose to do.

I've had a couple of people tell me, outright, that I'm selfish for choosing not to have children. Think about this. How am I being selfish by choosing not to have kids? Is it selfish to not want them to be subjected to my angry outbursts? My laziness? My resentment when I'm 50 years old and realize I didn't live the life I wanted to live and that I no longer even know the amazing husband I started this journey with? I don't think so at all.

The fact is that the difference between me and couples who choose to have kids is that we have different priorities. I want to live a quiet, relaxed life with a man I love. I want to make sure that our love isn't tossed to the side when kids enter the equation and steal the spotlight.

I don't want other people to follow in my footsteps. I'm not trying to convince anyone else to be childless by choice. All I want is for people to open their minds to the idea that choosing to have children is that- a CHOICE. I've made my choice, as has Alexey, and we want to live a life without our own children. I want people to be ok with that. I want them to stop telling me that I'll eventually change my mind or that I'll regret it. I might regret it if I hadn't completely thought it through. And you might regret having kids if you don't (or didn't) completely think it through before it happened.

Family

In my adult life, more often than not, I haven't been able to say many good things about my relationship with members of my immediate family. But lately, it's been getting better and better.

And it couldn't come at a better time.

I'm getting along well with both of my sisters and am having adult conversations, etc with them. The problem with maturing faster than your siblings is that you don't get along well until everyone has matured to a certain point. It seems like we've all almost hit that point. My youngest sister is 3 years younger than me and obviously seemed to take forever to get there. She, of course, still isn't on the same level of maturity I am, but she's doing fewer and fewer things that annoy me. My middle sister surprised the other day and told me she's moving at least 3 states away after graduation. Talk about a mature decision.

I'm hoping as we get older and let go of some of our adolescent tendencies we'll all get along as we should. But for now, I'm happy that we get along at all. Feeling like I have something in common with them besides parents is a great feeling.

I'm also talking to my dad more. Before a few months ago, the only conversations we'd have were "catching up" conversations that you'd expect to have with your great aunt or high school friends. While he still forgets major details of my life (like calling my IBS heartburn the other day), we're making some major progress in rebuilding our relationship. It would be much easier if he lived closer so I could visit regularly, but at least we're getting somewhere. Before I didn't feel like I'd ever get back the relationship I had with him when he was living with us, but now I think it's at least somewhat salvageable.

And in keeping with the happy undertone of this post, I will not mention my mother ;D

Sigh

I feel like all I have to say is pessimistic- or at least viewed that way. That's probably why I rant about things so much on here...it's better to rant about something than annoy people with my constant complaining.

I don't know if any of you have ever felt like this, but I feel like I'm constantly annoying people with my complaining. I know what you're thinking- "Just stop then!" but I can't. I have two positive things in my life- my boyfriend and my pets. The pets are iffy though- they can be hella annoying some days and make my mood even worse. But most of the time they make me happy.

Five years ago I would have been one of the people on the other side saying, "Why can't you just cheer up?" My family was fine, my health was fine, I was sailing through school, finances were great, friends were awesome, I played sports, I went out, I was happy. I can't say that anymore. My family is a complete mess, my health is shit, school is not only hard but I'm constantly stressing out about just keeping up, work is stressful, finances are ok but next year worries me, I have 1 friend (who is awesome, but I still miss having a close girl friend and my group of guy friends), I don't have time to do anything & even when I do I just feel like sitting at home and relaxing, and I just don't feel happy.

I have to mention here so no one gets worried that Alexey has nothing to do with my unhappiness; our relationship still amazes me. It's everything that goes on outside of our house that gets me down. A decade ago I could classify myself as stressed out. There's a lot of shit going on in my life that most people just don't have to deal with. But nowadays what I'm feeling is classified as "depressed." It's like I'm not allowed to have a couple of bad years while I sort out how to deal with everything. People tell me how worried they are about me. While I appreciate it, I don't always appreciate how they tell me I need to get on some medicine or start seeing a therapist. Medicine, I do not need. A therapist, I'll definitely consider.

My so-called "depression" does not come from nothing. It's not like my life is still as great as it was a decade ago. I'm not sure why everyone expects me to put on a happy face as I'm going through all of this- now that would not be normal. What I'm feeling is not caused by a chemical imbalance, it's caused by change. Not good change but bad change. Change that is going to take some adapting to get used to; some planning to get out of the mess. Most of all it's going to take time- I'm already well aware of that as it's been a couple of years since everything started on this downhill path.

I just wish that people wouldn't be so quick to categorize what I'm feeling. Allow me to feel some emotion instead of wanting me to cover it up with drugs. But what I've found is that most people are uncomfortable when another person shows a negative emotion- they just don't know how to deal with it. I can't even tell you how often I've been asked how my weekend was & replied honestly with, "Shitty," and had the other person stare blankly back at me before turning and pretending to be busy.

Am I supposed to lie in a situation like that? Because that's what I've started doing. I'm normally a brutally honest person. If you ask me a question, I want to answer it honestly. Why should I cover up anything? That's just not me. But lately I've started covering up problems in my life because no one really wants to hear it. They only want to hear about people having good times and enjoying life.

Like I said earlier I am going to start seeing a therapist to get some help with ways to sort through everything I'm dealing with. I bet a few of you feel uncomfortable with me admitting that since most people don't like to admit that they have to ask for help. Having everything out in the open for me is therapeutic. A couple of years ago I thought it helped if I just kept my smile plastered on and pretended everything was ok. That ate me up inside and I walked around feeling like I just needed to scream half the time.

I don't know where I'm really going with this post except to say that I'm tired of feeling like I need to keep my problems and bad mood hidden and that I wish I could be more open with people. Not even that- I wish I could be more open and have people actually be comfortable with that. That people could feel like it's ok to open up and that living such private lives isn't how it should be. I know I can't be the only person out there who feels this way.

On Babies...Again

I've been watching The Rachel Zoe Project.

Rodger & Rachel are older and haven't had any children yet. The show is really putting a lot of emphasis on the fact that not having kids yet is putting a strain on their marriage. Obviously I don't know the details of their relationship & I don't know if they've had as many talks about kids as Alexey & I have. As an outsider looking in, it seems as though they each want kids and had decided to have them until Rachel's career got in the way. Once again, this is purely speculation.

Watching the show makes me worry that Alexey & I will turn out that way if we go through with skipping the whole kid thing. Or that by the time we realize being childless isn't for us I'll be too old to have children. What I could really use is some perspective from couples who have lived a life without children.

Naturally, I went to Google hoping to find exactly what I was looking for. What did I find? I found some stories from and a few websites for couples who've decided to not have kids. The problem? All of these people seem to HATE kids! Out of our many reasons for not wanting to have kids, hating them is NOT on the list. Sure, kids can be extremely annoying sometimes, but they are also pretty awesome other times. Ok, my point here is that I don't hate kids. So reading blogs and articles by so-called "child-free" couples that hate children doesn't really give me the perspective I need.

I also can't really get it from what seems to be the other half of childless couples- the ones who can't physically conceive. Not that we've tried yet (gasp- they're virgins!), but I'd assume I'm fertile. I haven't been forced into the idea of not having kids. So I can't relate at all to those couples either.

Even if I did find articles written by people just like me in similar situations, I'm still not sure it would help us make our decision. It would be a much easier decision except for expectations. Ugh...that's such a dirty word. Society (oh god, here I go getting deep...don't worry it won't last too long) expects married couples to have babies. And when they don't have babies, it's not just strange- it's wrong. Alexey & I aren't even married yet & people already continually ask when we're going to start popping out babies. *sigh*

Family is another issue. They also expect us to have kids. Here it's a slightly different story. If we don't have kids, they take it personally. We're denying them of grandkids. That's obviously hard for them, but even harder on us. Making decisions is easy when it only affects you and you alone. When your decisions affect others- and take away something from them- it gets hard, really freakin hard.

I don't want to turn this into a post again about why we don't want kids. I really just wanted to keep it about finding out what it's like for people who have been there and done that. If you have any perspective on this at all, share please! I'd love to hear it. If you don't want to post it publicly I'll try to post something in my sidebar to allow you to email me.

Every now and then...

....I miss going to church.

When I was little, I went to a Catholic school. We went to church on Sunday mornings and on Wednesdays. Every now and then we would also go on Friday mornings, but I can't remember why. We had a religion class as our first class of the day. I remember that I HATED it all.

I was a weird child. I LOVED learning, but I didn't ever feel like I learned anything in my religion class or in church. They just kept telling us a bunch of stories that didn't make any sense. But that's what we did- we were supposed to go to church and we had to go to religion class, so I did. As an aside, as I look back on it now I DID learn a lot from those "pointless" stories. They taught me the difference between right and wrong, and kind of taught me the types of morals I should possess.

When I moved and started public school, we still kept going to church every Sunday, but I no longer had any religion classes. There was an eye opener that year- I learned that other religions existed other than Catholicism. I know it's hard to believe, but, unfortunately, it is true. I started to doubt my upbringing at that point. Why didn't we get taught about other religions at my Catholic school? Why would they hide something like that from us? Was it because the other religions made more sense? Whatever the reason, I was not happy (and pretty freakin' embarrassed- oh yeah, that's the new girl. She thought Catholicism was the only religion.)
Shortly after I moved to OP, I started religion classes through our church. I think these were to prepare me for my Confirmation in 8th grade. I met a lot of great people through those classes. We also had a youth group that met during the week. This was the first time I had met kids my age that really believed everything they had been taught by the church and seemed to feel a connection with god. And I was jealous of these kids. I wanted to feel that closeness with god and know that everything I had been told was true. But the truth was that I felt nothing.

So I searched for a couple of years trying to find my way to god. Then the time came for me to be confirmed. I'm not sure why they choose 8th grade as the point in time a child is ready to accept Catholicism as their one and only religion for life, but they do. So I got confirmed. I mean really...what choice did I have? Sorry mom & dad, grandma & grandpa, but I'm just really not feeling this religion. I think I'm gonna switch or just not practice it anymore. Yeah...doesn't quite work that way.

I was kind of hoping that my Confirmation would be the magic switch that opened up a line of communication with god. No such luck. Nothing changed at all, except now I supposedly had a new middle name- Rose, after some random saint I chose and wrote a paper on. Well, I guess one thing did change- I felt like I owned my faith and that it was my responsibility now. So I started paying attention in church. Instead of speaking the prayers and various things we do, I listened. And I tried to understand what it all meant...why it was we were saying those things. I watched people, looking to see if they had that connection that I was looking for.

You know what I found? I heard people droning on, speaking words that they knew by heart but did not say from the heart. I saw people checking their watches, checking their texts/emails/etc, or even people staring at the ceiling as their mouths moved along with everyone else's. I heard the priest give sermons about how we needed to give more money to the church so that we could build a new church. Then after church was over, these "holy" people would avert their eyes and practically run to the safety of their cars in which they would speed out of the parking lot without any regard for the safety of others around them. Hands would fly up, curse words would escape their lips, as if nothing they had just witnessed in church had ever happened.

We were just in the presence of Jesus himself. You said you believed that, you confirmed it when you took his body and drank his blood. But it was all a lie because just like me you felt nothing and you believe none of it. You are here because you have to be. Because it's what you've always done and will always do.

These people baffled me. I went to school with a lot of people that went to my church. They were all what I considered "bad" kids. This is the point where you're going to think, "Ugh, she's such a prude." Damn right I am. Anyway, they were having sex, smoking, drinking, cursing and didn't seem to have any respect for anyone outside their social circle. Everything they did contradicted everything my moral upbringing had taught me. But these kids showed up for church every single Sunday.

Was I supposed to be fake too? Sit through church and pretend like I was touched and that I believed? Was I supposed to act like a "good" kid in front of my religion teachers and youth group and then do bad things when they weren't around? From what I'd learned about morals from my religion classes, I was not. I was supposed to act according to my morals at all times. And I did. I seriously did not say "fuck" until I was 18 years old. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I hadn't even kissed a boy (not that kissing is a bad thing), and I was a great student.

I guess my idea of religion was something that made a group of people have integrity. They were to act the same way at all times because they were living for god. When the priest actually gave a sermon that wasn't asking for money, he would talk about things like that. So why didn't these people who came to church and acted all holy apply what they pretended to believe to their lives?

This was the point where I just got fed up with it all. I didn't want to pretend. I wanted to actually feel like I had a relationship with god. I wanted a priest (or pastor) who actually cared enough about their faith to not get sucked into a money making plan and focus only on that. I wanted to be surrounded by kids who were like me instead of ones who shunned me because I was like they should have been. I wanted role models that I could actually look to for help when I was struggling with my faith, not ones who I couldn't even trust to not run me over after church.

So I gave up Catholicism. By then my family had mostly stopped going to church because it took up too much of their schedule (a whole HOUR out of their week!), and I had been going alone. So when I quit going no one really cared. No one from church called to see where I was, and the only people that would have cared (my grandparents) were being lied to by my parents so they wouldn't know.

The hardest part was telling my family I didn't consider myself Catholic anymore. My little sister: "WHAT?!?! You were born Catholic, you just can't stop being Catholic!" Uh, it's a religion, not a skin color or something. They were very disappointed with me, but I didn't understand why. I was the one who had tried so hard to make it work for me. And even when they had stopped going to church, I would go by myself to see if I could have my breakthrough with god.

It may sound like I'm bashing Catholicism, but I'm not. The people who actually believed in it (my grade school teachers) used it to shape me into the person I am today, and I will be forever grateful for that. But my experience with religion has just made me a little wary of ANY religions at all. I think people get too focused on what they have to do per their religion instead of just feeling their way through their relationship with god.
So for the past few years I've just been working on developing my faith instead of following a religion. And it amazes me how much this confuses people. "But if you don't have a religion, how can you believe in god?" To me that's kind of like someone asking who's method I use to train my dog, me responding with, "Well really I'm just sort of winging it," and them not being able to comprehend that. Just because I don't have a set of rules to follow doesn't mean I still can't be faithful.

But the truth is that even after my "split" with the Catholic church, I still can't say that I have ever felt god's presence. Part of it, I'm sure, is that the book that most people use to prove the existence of god uses stories that are really hard to believe coming at it from a scientific point of view. I just can't rationally justify the existence of a higher power.

So, after over 1500 words, I've come back to my main point. I feel lonely. When I believed in god and was trying to feel his presence in my life, I thought I felt nothing. But now that I've practically given up that part of my life, I feel like there is a void. Does that mean that I did find my connection with god without knowing it? I don't know.

That leaves me asking myself how I find something to fill that void in my life. Do I go back to church? Can I convince myself to start believing in god again? The really sad part is that I don't have the people in my life to talk about religious issues anymore. My parents don't have time for me anymore, my grandparents still don't even know that I'm struggling with my faith (or that I'm not Catholic anymore...my wedding is going to be a HUGE shocker), and my sisters would just tell me, "It's easy. I don't see what the big deal is." The other side of me keeps asking if I really even need to find my way back to god.

Honestly, I do want to feel like I have a higher purpose in this life and feel like there's someone up there making sure the shit doesn't hit the fan, but I don't think I could ever be like those "holier than thou" people. I don't want to be the person who annoys everyone (which I'm sure I already have) by bringing up god's name and talking about having a relationship with him. I guess I just want to have a private relationship with him, if I even want that.

Faith is confusing to me because it really is a huge part of my life, but it's something that I understand so little. I'm scared of it and want to push it away just as much as I yearn for it to be a part of my life. I'll close by saying: you rock, reader, for making it this far!

I'm damaged goods

You know how a lot of people that have dated and been hurt before tend to stay away from dating for a while? I just realized tonight that I'm the same way- but with friends.

All the close friends I've ever had have left me. Not the way a significant other would, but either I've moved away or they've moved away. So now I find myself hesitantly meeting new people. I'd really like to make new friends since almost all of mine have moved away, but I don't want to be left behind again.

When I make friends, I tend to become really close to most of them. As you can probably deduce from past posts, I don't get along very well with my family, so my friends become my family. But as I form close relationships, I'm afraid I'm going to be left behind...again. It's especially hard with where I'm at in school right now because although I've made a few acquaintances in pharmacy school, most of them are from other states. And most of the people my age that I meet outside pharmacy school are graduating this year.

So I tend to be slightly standoffish so I don't get too close to people, and if I do become close to someone, I start to pull away when I see that the dreaded moving away period is getting closer. I noticed that I'm starting to do it with Jacob. (I'm guessing he just did a double take after seeing his name lol) We're really good friends, (awww) but since he graduated I feel like he is moving past where we are in our lives. He's a grown up now, and I'm still stuck in school for 2 more years. He also keeps talking about moving away. So up goes my guard...I guess it's "hurt them before they hurt you."

But why do I have a problem with this? Why can't I just settle for short term friendships and just be happy with them while they last? I think part of it is because I look at my parents, and I'm terrified I'll end up like them. They both had tons of friends in college, but since they went to school out of state, they ended up friendless when they moved back home.

Maybe I just need to wait until I graduate college and focus on making lasting friendships then, when everyone is pretty much settled in where they want to be and aren't going anywhere. There are just so many people in my life right now that I want to have closer relationships with but a) I've been friends with my old friends for so long that I forgot how to make new ones and b) I'm scared that once they're a part of my life they're going to leave.

A woman came to talk to our class last week about her fight with breast cancer. As she told us about her chemo, she didn't cry. Then she told us about her mastectomy, still no tears. But then she started talking about how her friends were there with her through the whole thing, and she cried. Hard. So hard she couldn't talk for a few minutes. I want to have friends like that when I'm older. I just want meaningful and lasting friendships, and I don't want them to end.

Really good friendships that fade away are harder to get over than past boyfriends. When you enter into a relationship, it's common knowledge that both of you are going to try to make it work as long as you can. With friendships, it's not quite the same. With friends, it's more of "I'm here when you need me until I'm not." If a friend wants to move away, they usually won't stay just because you ask them to. And when they're gone, as hard as you try to keep the friendship going, it's never going to be the same. And here's where it's different from relationships- you will have new people come into your life, but you'll always think back to those really good friendships and miss them like hell. Old boyfriends- eh, it's better now, so you don't miss them so much, but with friends memories almost hurt. Maybe that's just me, but I feel like I lost a handful of brothers and no matter what I do I'll never get them back.

The feeling sucks. Missing them sucks. So why would I make new friends and go through that all over again?

Miss you guys!

(Michael look how naked your arm is!!!)

On Babies...

Recently, so many people have randomly been bringing up babies. And it's always: "when you have babies," "your kids," and other things that assume we will have kids.

I'm so tired of people expecting me to be on the same track as everyone else. Dating (no longer than 3 years or people start questioning why you're not engaged) --> engagement --> marriage --> kids. That's life and that's how you're supposed to do it. If that's not how you want to do it, people either think you're crazy or that you'll grow out of it. News flash: probably not going to grow out of this one.

The trigger for this rant came yesterday when Alexey and I went to visit his mom in OP. She was getting off work, so we met her there and she, of course, wanted to show us off to all of her coworkers that were still there. She started introducing me as Alexey's girlfriend, but then to one person she referred to me as her "future daughter-in-law, I hope." She is really superstitious and thinks she's going to jinx it if she calls me her future daughter-in-law with no doubt, so she never will say it straight out. I was like, "Just say it! It's not a question mark at all." So she went back to the people she had already introduced us to and reintroduced me as her future daughter-in-law. Oh Russians...

Anyway, the last person she introduced us to had pictures of her grandkids all over the place. She introduced me as her future daughter-in-law and the lady was like, "Oh congratulations! When's the big day?" And I was like, "It's not official yet." Alexey's mom launched into her usual speech about how education is first, then marriage, then grandkids, I hope. The lady was like well grandkids will come of course, in due time.

Of course? Grandkids will come OF COURSE?!? No not of course. I don't want kids. "Oh, of course you do. You'd be such great parents!" Well, that's cool. Just because I'd supposedly be a good mom, I should have kids? I don't think so.


My sisters call me selfish and crazy for saying I don't want kids. I think I'm being entirely UNselfish. I'd be a shitty mom. Here are my reasons:

UNselfish reasons:
-I spend more than half of my life in bed, completely worthless, because I ate the wrong thing
-I have multiple phobias (don't want to pass them onto kids)
-I don't eat many types of food (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I'm kind of a germ-a-phobe (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I don't have much patience and tend to snap when I get mad
-My family is effing nuts & there is so much drama/heartbreak associated with them
-I'm not very confident
-I'd probably be exactly like my mom to them
-Hormones will make me a raging(er) bitch to Alexey during pregnancy
-I'm not strong enough emotionally
-Alexey and I don't have the same religion and as much as I hate religion now, I think it provided me the structure I needed to turn out a good kid


Selfish reasons:
-I love my boyfriend more than anything and NEVER want that to change
-Pukey stomachs
-Life will become so much more stressful and my IBS will get worse
-What if one is allergic to animals?!
-Everything will be dirty & unorganized
-I wouldn't do well arguing with a kid/teenager
-Droopy boobs, hemorrhoids (yes I spelled that without googling how to!), poochy stomach
-Always being on someone else's schedule


I have thought this out. I've tried to talk myself into being ok with having kids, but I just can't do it. When I hear stories about parents and their adorable kids, my heart aches. I want a kid that says hilarious things and does ridiculously cute things. But I always wanted a monkey when I was little. I'd be good monkey-mom and monkies are freakin' cute...does that mean I should get one? No.


Here's the deal: yes, I will of course regret not having kids at many points in my life. Having a dog (which is much less annoying/expensive/exhausting than having a kid) has made me throw my hands up in the air on multiple occasions and wish that I had never gotten a dog, so I'm positive that if I had kids I'd also regret having them.


I know I'll also feel extremely guilty about not having them because Alexey's mom wants grandkids sooo bad. I'm going to wonder if I could have raised the best bballer ever- and yes, I would have ;)but I just can't have kids just because that's what people do. Call me crazy, call me selfish, but I'll still probably end up childless.

I Hate Weddings

I have so much to say about weddings, but I'll try to keep it somewhat short and controlled for you. I need to start out by saying that I'm not totally against marriage- there are just plenty of things I don't like about it. Hopefully I get that across by the end of this post.

I started writing this about 3 days ago and so many words flowed through my fingers so quickly that it came out in a jumbled mess. I'll try to start over and make more sense of it. Lists always help.

1. Women think the day is all about THEM. Note to you, bridezilla: a marriage is about two people, not just you. That also means that the wedding day is about each of you, not just you. In most cases, brides are the ones that freak out about the big day, not the groom. They spend hours (or days, or months) finding the perfect dress (which is usually thousands of dollars), the perfect cake, the perfect flowers, the perfect bridal party, the perfect centerpieces, the perfect venue, the perfect photographer, etc, etc, etc. They stress over every single detail. Thanks to Facebook, I've seen something similar to this quite a few times: "I have NO IDEA where to go on my honeymoon! Does anyone have any idea?!?" Here's an idea: ask your fiance. Figure it out with him. A few different times I asked them what their fiance wanted to do- "Oh, I don't know." It just frustrates me so much that so many brides forget to factor in their future husband when it comes to wedding details. Hopefully it's not an indicator of how their marriage will go.

2. What's the big deal anyway? I love my boyfriend. I am never going to leave him. Ever. And he feels the same way about me. We have a house (sure, we rent it, but we have a house), a dog, cats, and we are extremely happy. So why in the hell do people keep asking, "So when are you going to get married? You've been dating FOREVER!" My question back is, "What will marriage change about our relationship? Nothing, except that it will be legal and you people will stop asking that question!" Marriage doesn't change who the two of you are, it just changes how other people accept you. I've always said that when Alexey and I finally get married, it will be for our families. So that they can finally accept how real our relationship is. Which brings me to my next point...

3. People (mainly brides) expect too much of marriage. Ok, it's over. The day you spent more than a year planning. Now what? A week of vacation with your husband. Husband, that's a funny word. It's also just about all that has changed. You are still the same two people you were a week ago, you both just have the same last name now and are legally tied to each other. I think so many people expect everything to change- like that their love will be magically deeper or something. It's unrealistic and will only lead to you being unhappy. This is another argument for why I think weddings are for other people and not for the couple getting married.

4. DRAMA. Weddings are so drama filled. This bridesmaid is wasted and is flashing everyone. Your mom and dad aren't talking. Your mom and your mother-in-law are staring darts at each other. The speakers aren't working. The cake is the wrong flavor. Our wedding is going to be so full of drama, it's almost unbearable to think about. My divorced parents are going to ruin it- that I'm sure of. They're go to have a yelling match in the middle of our reception. My boyfriend's family is Russian, so they drink and are very, very merry. My family is not. Our parents have never met and probably won't until the big day. My grandparents might leave right after they realize we're not having a Catholic wedding. I think I'm mostly just worried about my parents and the two sides of my family being together in the same room. There is an ungodly amount of tension between the two sides, and I know my sisters have so much bottled up hate for my father, and I'm afraid it's all going to explode on the big day.

5. Money. I'm a cheapskate. I hate spending money unnecessarily. Weddings are so expensive (or they can be), and we don't want to spend very much money on it. We're going to have to pay for the wedding ourselves, so it will have to be as cheap as possible. But here's where the drama factors back in- his family is huge and mine is as well. We are either going to have to cut people from the guest list or pay for all the extra ones. I just hope that by time it rolls around, I get to be more ok with spending money frivolously because I know I'll have to. They don't sell wedding dresses cheap enough for my current budget.

There are a few more reasons, but those are the bulk of them. Although I hate weddings, I am not against marriage at all. I very much agree with it. I love the idea of two people that are in love pledging to stay with each other until the end of time. Monogamy is very much my thing, so in that sense marriage is great. I don't like how people rush into getting married though. It's like they're trying to prove something to each other and everyone else before it's too late. If you're in love now, and you think you will be forever, just wait.

People change so much and you need to be together through enough of those changes to make sure you can change together. If not, then you shouldn't get married. Alexey and I have made it through plenty of tough changes, and I know there are even more ahead. We've learned that we still love each other regardless of everything that has changed. We also know that we will love each other forever and that there is no reason to rush into marriage. Some might say that we're afraid to commit (and they have said that), but that's not the truth at all. We are able to commit to each other privately and don't have to be married to keep that promise.

So, we will get married when the time is right. If all of the family drama ends, I think a wedding would be easier on me specifically, and I might not have as big of a problem with it. But god help me (and especially Alexey) if I ever turn into a bridezilla.

Where's The Instruction Manual??

Since Blogger decided to be AWESOME yesterday and delete my *entire* post, it's mini blog time!

I realized today that I lost my instruction manual. Actually, I'm not sure I ever found it in the first place. Which instruction manual am I talking about? Why, the one for life, of course!

You see, I'm trying to figure out when it's the right time to buy my first house. I feel like I'm ready but at the same time, I'm definitely not ready. As far as advantages go, it would be great to be completely independent and not have to ask a (dick of a) landlord permission for everything I do in regards to where I live, the mortgage would most likely be lower than my current rent, I'd be more likely to find exactly what we're looking for, and I could get another dog. :) On the downside, I'd most likely require a co-signer thanks to student loans, owing that much money is SCARY AS HELL, and I'd be stuck with a house instead of bound by a leasing contract. So, when I'm unsure about most things, I just go back and reference an instruction manual to figure it out. So why the heck doesn't life have a "how to" section? There would definitely be a section on "the right time to..." that could help me figure out this problem.

Instead of continuing my search for the manual, I'll just take a poll. Is 24 too soon to buy your first house?

23 = adult?

I'm 23 years old. That makes me an adult...sort of. I feel completely grown up- I have responsibilities, LOTS of responsibilities; I take care of myself; I don't need (or want) input from my parents anymore; I have a wonderfully mature relationship; I make my own money and spend it carefully; I even have a freaking budget that works!

So doesn't all of this prove that I'm an adult? Not really. I still don't really *feel* like an adult. I still rent my place and have to ask my landlord for permission to do anything to it. "Hey Jerry, I clogged my toilet. Is it ok if I unclog it myself, or should I call your preselected plumber?" That sort of relationship definitely keeps me from feeling older.

I also am not treated as an adult. My boyfriend is currently looking for a car and every time we walk into a dealership, we're completely ignored. I guess we don't look like we have money. Or maybe we just look like poor college students that shouldn't be able to afford a new car. That's the part I don't get though. When I see other people my age, I think they look older- not old, but older. They look like they could have a kid on the way, or that they've owned a house for a few years. They look like their parents are well into their gray-hair years. When I look in the mirror, I don't see that type of person. I feel like I still look like I'm fresh out of high school.

What I'm so confused about is how I can feel so grown up and so not grown up at the same time. I also don't understand why people still treat me like I'm some rude high schooler that is just trying to show off in front of their friends. One of the reasons I've been thinking about this lately is that I feel like it's time to take that next step and stop throwing my money away each month. What am I talking about? Buying a house, of course. I pay rent each month, right? And where does that go? Straight into my landlord's pocket is where. I don't see a cent of it and probably won't even get my deposit back in the end. What else will I leave behind? The house (duplex)! I don't leave with anything to show for how much I've paid over the past two years.

Before it didn't bother me because I didn't really have too much to put in a house, and I wasn't too sure about much in my life. Renting was nice because as soon as the year was over I could pack up my things and head on to the next place. I could pick new roommates, buy a new comforter and forget all that had happened in the past year if I wanted to. But now there are so many more sure things in my life- almost everything actually. I have a boyfriend that is here to stay -I've know that for a while, but it's really cemented now- I have a job that I can't lose, I am close(r) to being done with school and will graduate with probably a half dozen job offers, and each one of those jobs will enable me to live a cushy life- a very, very cushy life. The best thing about everything that has changed in my life is that I'm sure about everything I do. I have morphed into my OWN person. No longer do I follow what everyone else things, or do things just because they'll be accepted. I am who I am and for once in my life I am *so* not afraid to show it to the world. I take actions and do not think about them twice because I do my research and make sure I'm making the right decision.

So why can't people see this from the outside? Why am I not treated as an adult? Why in the HELL won't my sister stop asking me, "Did you ask Mom if that's ok?" I'm almost 24 years old! I don't need my mother to tell me what's ok and what's not. Now that I've said that, I think I'm going to have to ask my mother for advice on transitioning from a child to an adult and how to change people's perception of you. Part of what is hard is that other people my age aren't at the same spot mentally that I am. A lot of them still live their life to party and don't think as much about the things I do. If I were around more like-minded people I might have a clue what to do about how I'm feeling.

The question I'm always left asking myself is: should I continue to allow myself to mature and try to figure out how to feel like and adult/be perceived as one, or should I 'act my age' and party a little more? But I guess only time will tell.