Time to move on

I have a history of holding onto things too long. Not in the "hoarder" sense; I have a hard time letting people from my past go. I love thinking back about my past, and I spend a lot of time wishing my present could be more like it and that the friendships I had then could be transported- as they were- to the present time.

But in the past couple of weeks, I've realized that not only is that never going to happen (I'd actually realized this long ago, I just wouldn't accept it) but I don't really want it to anymore.

Don't get me wrong- there are PLENTY of old friends that I will never let go of, but a few of them just aren't the same people. They aren't the person I knew 5-6 years ago and never will be again. Although we used to get along well and have a lot of fun together, that just wouldn't happen now or in the future because we've grown into completely different types of people. A month or so ago this would have upset me greatly, but now I'm just coming to terms with it. I've decided that I'll always have the good memories, and that trying to move forward and bring my old friendships into my future would probably just tarnish the good memories.

One thing I need to learn to do is not sabotage my memories. When I have free time to sit around and do nothing, I start to get upset about how few friends I'm still close to. I don't really have a best friend (other than Alexey) that I can text all day about nothing, no one to gossip with, no one to go to when I just feel like crying, no one to hang out with or call just to talk. Then I start thinking that maybe I just built my favorite friendships up to be more than they actually were and that the people I considered close friends had other friends they were much closer to and that I was just that tag along friend that people just put up with.

I also do the "what if" game, and wonder about what could have happened had I not joined the sorority, had I driven back to OP for more parties, had I drank more or gone out more...would I still be friends with them? Would they have cared enough more to keep in touch with me even when we moved/grew apart? But I know that's a really bad game to play. 

The important part should be that I valued those friendships, and that I have a lot of great memories with those friends. I just have to hope/believe that I will build many more close friendships as soon as school ends and I feel like I can have a life again. And if not, well, I'll just have to move on with my life.

Moving

No, I'm not moving yet, but it's something I've been considering pretty much since my family fell apart. It's probably obvious that I've never really gotten along well with most of my family, but since my parents' divorce I've wanted to move far far away to escape it all. While it's not the best reason to move, it's still not a bad one.

Alexey and I (well...mostly me because I like researching this stuff) have been researching places to live. I'd like to live in a safe place where the average home value is close to what it is here that's close to a big city but not too close. I also want to be a lot closer to the East Coast since I'm hoping to one day inherit my grandparent's beach house in Rehoboth. Right now, our pick is Raleigh, NC and the surrounding suburbs. I've been looking on realtor.com at the available houses and there are a ton of really pretty ones for great prices. I know that means that the economy probably isn't the greatest, but- thankfully- with my profession that won't be too much of a problem (hopefully!). I'm also researching crime rates and trying to figure out the best communities. While it would be GREAT to know someone out there that knows the area, city-data.com is good enough for now. The people on their forums are really helpful.

Researching is the easy part, though. But in the back of my mind I'm worried about the actual move. It's not like we have gobs and gobs of friends here, but we do have a couple that will be hard to leave behind and our family lives here. Yeah, I don't get along with my family and, in theory, it should be easy to move away, but I'll never stop wishing it will get better or trying to make it better. Being far away will either allow me to pull away completely or will help our relationship. It's just scary picking up your life and moving it halfway across the country when you know absolutely no one there. Who do I give my spare key to in case I lock myself out? Since we're not the type of people that go out often, how do we make friends? Will we be able to find people out there? Will we regret moving away from our lives here? Will Alexey miss his family who he does get along with?

There are just so many what ifs that are making me want to just give up the idea and stay put, but I really don't think I'd be happy living here. My heart has always pulled me toward the East Coast. A move would be years down the road, so I have plenty of time to grow and the answer will eventually come to us, but I can't help being a planner.

Have any of you ever picked up your life and moved to a place where you didn't know the area or hardly any people?

Good day?

I'd actually say I had a pretty good day today despite everything that happened. Yes, that's right people, I'm focusing on the GOOD parts of today instead of the BAD. Bet that was one hell of a surprise, huh?

This morning I woke up with a migraine. That sucked, but I was being spooned by my man, so I didn't really even care I had a migraine. I also got to sleep in until about 11:30! After breakfast, I decided I just couldn't stand my hair cut anymore & that it needed to be fixed. I decided I'd shower, do my hair like I normally do it & head to another stylist to show her what had been done to my hair.

A bit before I was supposed to leave, my awesome manager texted me offering me some hours tonight, so I said I'd come in after my hair cut. I headed to my appointment & was delighted when she thought my hair looked just as horrid as I thought it did :) But really, she could tell the girl just wasn't paying attention. She did an awesome job fixing it, even though she had to take a little more off the bottom.

Funny side story: we were talking about our dogs, & I mentioned Tuck & said, "He's part sheltie, part kangaroo." Her response was, "Oh really? I didn't know they could do that!" Hehe. She thought I meant he literally was part kangaroo instead of me just meaning he's quite the jumper. She was really sweet & actually listened to what I was saying! She seriously did a great job, & I feel like I can actually go out in public again.

After my hair cut I raced home to shower & get ready for work. I took the dogs out right as I was about to leave, & what happens? Tuck has diarrhea. AWESOME! When we got inside he also started dry heaving, so that was great. Usually I wouldn't think very much of this, but he ate poo at the dog park yesterday that I could clearly see a worm in when I went over to get him away from it. I did NOT want to spend Thanksgiving home, taking him out every 5 minutes, so I called the vet. Yeah, apparently they all closed really early for the holiday.

Because of that I had to take him to Banfield in Overland Park. He made it the whole way there, all the time in OP, and the whole way back without making a mess so that was freaking amazing. The vet was actually really good & they were super quick! Something Banfield never has been. Tuck actually liked it. After the vet, I stopped by my mom's house to introduce Tucker to the family dog, Mandy & they got along pretty well. Mandy doesn't like other dogs at all, so that was  huge.

As I was leaving OP, I called back my friend Brian to see what he had called for earlier. I ended up going over to his place to hang out for a bit since I haven't seen him in way too long. Did I mention how much I love catching up with good friends? Let's just say I'm feeling completely refreshed & that's probably the reason I'm being positive tonight. Tuck behaved pretty well after his initial freak out because of meeting a new person & being in a new place.

Now we're finally back home, Tucker is medicated, & Koopa & Tuck are reunited again :D

Letting go of the past

I kind of have a dilemma. When do you know the right time to let go of your friends from the past? I personally think they were the best friends I've ever had & possibly will ever have (which says a lot since I'm only 24). However, we don't see each other anymore since we don't live in the same city. Keeping up on the phone is really difficult, especially because we've all become different people- very different from who we were back then.

These aren't friends that I want to lose, but it's getting hard trying to keep them around. I don't mean hard because I have to put a lot of effort into it- that's not hard because I put zero effort into it. It's hard because it hurts to think that just because they moved away & we've grown up in the mean time our friendship is just going to kind of die.

So what am I supposed to do? Do I hang on & hope it gets better, or that they move back here & we start hanging out again? Even if that happens, our lives have changed so much that it wouldn't be anything like the "old days." When do I know that it's ok to just move on, leave it in the past, & stop worrying about it. Do I owe it to them to let them know I'm moving on (if that's what I decide to do)?

This is so hard for me because I really thought of my friends as family- they were the ones that were there to whisk me out of the house when WWIII was beginning. Not only did they keep my mind off of that, but they 100% morphed me into the open-minded, free-thinking person I am today. They corrupted me. They introduced me to my (future) husband.

This post is really poorly written, but it's hard for me to write emotional posts in a way that makes sense to people outside my head. My final thought about this is that it would be really great to know what they think. Sometimes I wonder if I thought our friendship was greater than it really was- at least to them. Maybe I'm not anywhere near a great friend & our friendship isn't one that they really care to keep up with. Yeah, I could ask, but that's awkward & difficult & I'm not sure I want to hear the answer. So what do I do? Write a blog post about it. Typical.