Cycles

So often we, as humans, fall into cycles and find it hard to break free.

Many of our parents began dating, got married, had children and began a cycle of being. They didn't love each other or maybe even their lives, but they continued the cycle. Each week, the same thing. Get the kids ready for school, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean, get the kids to bed, watch TV, go to bed. Over and over and over. If either one was unhappy, it didn't matter. Many other couples did this and stayed together, so they would too. Breaking out of the cycle to be happy wasn't accepted. Obviously now it's more socially acceptable, but you get my point.

Raising children brings up another cycle many of us follow without question. There is weird and there is normal. Normal is acceptable from the beginning while weird becomes unacceptable after a certain age or limit is passed. Who decides what is normal and what is not? Our parents. They are the ones who teach us to scoff and the little boy who goes everywhere dressed as Batman or groans when two men kiss on TV. All of the adults talk about how bullying needs to end, but who is it teaching these bullies to bully? The parents. Until a generation comes about that is totally open will we really begin to see any changes in the world. We're getting closer, but we're nowhere near there.

I had to bite my tongue at Thanksgiving this year when my family started talking about politics. The two older generations were discussing everything with such a closed mind. At one point when someone made a horrible comment about a gay man, I spoke up only to be shushed by my sister. SHUSHED. Apparently speaking up and standing up for what's right isn't acceptable because that's the way things are. Well, I spoke my mind and got quite a few opened mouth stares for saying what I thought, but they need to realize that the closed-minded people they're talking about are staring back at them in the mirror.

Cycles rule our lives. Sometimes no matter how hard we want to break free of them, we just can't. Either it's too hard  or it's something that would be frowned upon. No matter how comfortable we may feel continuing the cycle, we need to realize when it's time to break out of it. Younger generations are on the brink of many chances to do this, we just need to find the courage to stop the cycles our parents, grandparents, etc have begun and that's when the change will really begin.

Sorry if the voice in this sounds different from my own, but I just watched a movie set in England and I can't seem to stop talking like them. It's quite infuriating, honestly.

10 things I love

10. Basketball- and not just KU basketball. I love playing basketball so much, and it's something I need to start doing again

9. Shopping. When I save up enough shopping money to do some serious retail therapy, I love it. It's funny because I used to completely hate shopping with a passion. Now that I can go on my own & I'm completely free to make my own choices, I really do love it. Online shopping also makes it easier to love to shop.

8. Driving the shit out of my car. I can't wait for summer to come again so I can put my tires back on and have some grip!

7. Spending time with friends I love. I don't do that nearly enough & tend to make excuses for not seeing the few that are still close to Lawrence. I always say, "Oh they live too far away to visit," but I just need to man up and make the damn drive to OP.

6. Learning new languages. After I just upgraded to iTunes10, I noticed a few features, like audiobooks. This lead to me find a few books that teach you Russian. I also found tons of audio recordings of Russian conversation, so I'm hoping to start picking it up.

5. Lifting weights. I find it so invigorating and I absolutely love the feeling I get after lifting for a while- when I can feel myself getting stronger. And not to mention, it's an easy way to put on weight that looks good.

4. Community service. I used to volunteer all the time and it's something I stopped doing about a year ago. I get a sense of purpose from volunteering and I'm going to start doing it again after finals.

3. Thinking up all of the wonderful outfits I'm going to wear when I a) finally get over my sweatpants phase and b) have enough money to sophisticated clothing.

2. Reading, movies, & TV. Sometimes you need a break from your life or at least a reminder of better things, and these three things are a great way to do that.

1. Our little family that we've created. Every night when we're all at home, the cats are upstairs meowing/going nuts and the puppies are running figure eights around the downstairs, Alexey and I just look at each other and smile because, at the end of the day, life is good.

Grocery shopping

Truth be told, I suck at grocery shopping. I buy whatever the hell I feel like eating at that moment as well as what I think I might like to eat if I can get the guts to. Because of the first part, I end up with a lot of snacks (aka junk) and not a whole lot of meal-type food. And because of the second part, Alexey ends up with a lot of food he doesn't have to pay for.

My other problem is that I don't limit myself. My budget way overestimates how much I need for groceries. I do this because I know how I shop. I walk into the store and go up and down the aisles, grabbing whatever I feel like. I stop when I a) get tired of shopping or b) run out of space in my cart.

I also make a ton of small trips instead of one big one. I stop in for bread or milk or chips and I leave with at least 3-4 bags- every.single.time. I literally did a dance outside HyVee a couple trips ago because I only got the 3 things I went in for. That was seriously HUGE for me.

Yesterday I posted about how I haven't been to HyVee in over a month. This is good because I'm saving a crap ton of money by finishing every last thing I've bought. This is bad because all I have left are snacks. I believe I had popcorn for dinner 4 nights in a row until I ran out. Now cereal is all that I'm left with, and I think I only have enough for one more bowl. After that I'll be having Wheat Thins or chips and dip.

I should probably just go and restock everything, but I kind of like this. Back up...I like that I'm actually using all of the food I've bought instead of buying new food and throwing out everything that I haven't used. I don't like eating popcorn or Wheat Thins for dinner.

When I looked at my bank account yesterday and saw that it had been a whole month since I bought any groceries, I was ecstatic. Shopping for food is a huge weakness of mine and an area that I waste a lot of money. From now on, I'm going to:

a) Stop buying things to try them because that actually never even happens. They just get shoved to the back of the pantry until they expire.
b) Stop buying multiples of things. By time I get through the first pack of whatever it is, I'm so sick of it that I can hardly look at the second pack.
c) Buy more dinner food and less snack food.
d) Stop making small trips to the store to pick up a few things...alone. It can either wait until my next big trip, or I can go with Alexey so he can make me buy only what's on my list.
e) STOP SHOPPING HUNGRY! I need to start going when I'm so full that food nauseates me...maybe that will motivate me to stick to the list.

4 more days

Four.more.days.

Writing every day this month has been an experience. It has caused me to be more reflective & forced me to follow through. I honestly can't believe I've blogged every single day; at the beginning of the month I would have never thought I'd be able to come up with something to write every day. Sure, I fudged a couple of posts, but mostly I did come up with real blogs.

What I mean when I say it made me more reflective is that I realized by blogging daily that people were getting a MUCH bigger dose of Rachel this month. It made me think about what that might mean to my average blog reader. I'm aware that I'm a negative person- it's just who I've become over the past few years- but it's not always something that I "force" on people on a day-to-day basis. (Sorry, Alexey, but you chose this ;) I thought about what it would be like if I were the reader instead of the blogger & I don't think I'd keep reading after a while.

So for you, reader, I'm going to work on getting back to the happy person I used to be. She's buried deep in there somewhere & I'm going to try to dig her out. I'm not making any promises & I'm sure it's going to take a while, but believe it or not, it's difficult to be unhappy & negative. Although everyone always says that happiness is a choice, I've learned that even though you may chose to be happy, it doesn't always come easily. I've made the choice today to get back to that point, but it's not just a switch you flip. I'm going to have to face many of the things that have caused my negativity & come to terms with them. Wish me luck!

What I'm thankful for...

I know that I come off as a really unhappy, negative person & I'm sure I annoy quite a few of you. Right now, I'm not at a place in my life where things are going my way, so it gets me down more often than not. However, I do have many things in my life that I'm incredibly grateful for. I was going to take the easy way out of a real Thanksgiving post, but as I was reading other people's posts, I realized I should write them down; focus on the good. So here they are:

• My man. I get way more grumpy with him than I should because he is the most wonderful boyfriend I could ever dream up. He treats me so much better than I probably deserve, and he's the best furdad ever. 
• Our love. As cheesy as it is, I'm really thankful we're still so in love. I felt like this had to be a separate point- just because you have the man doesn't mean you've still got the love!
• My furbabies. I bitch about them on here quite a bit when they do bad things, but it's complete bliss watching them fall asleep & dream their puppy/kitty dreams. Their love is truly unconditional & the stupidest things make them happy as can be. I should really take note & try to see the world like they do....minus the drool & other nasty things ;)
• My sisters. Although we don't get along all the time & they do some things I don't approve of & would never do, I have had much better relationships with them ever since the divorce. We depend on each other more now than we ever have. It's taken some getting used to, but I think I'm finally starting to understand what having a close relationship with my sisters is like. It's mostly good haha
• My house, my car, all of my stuff. Being able to have all of the crap I do is something I take for granted much too often. 
• My job. Sure, there are things I'd like to be different at work, but I have a job. In today's world that is damn lucky. I'm also thankful to work with such amazing people. They have really become friends that I'll miss when we all move to different stores or on to different places. 
• My education. School stresses me out like no other, but learning is something I really love. Once school is over, I hope I have enough time to continue taking classes. Even if I don't, I'll still be thankful for my education & all that I've learned. 
• The level of freedom I have. I was thinking about this on my drive to OP today. I drove almost an hour away & didn't have to stop at any military checkpoints, didn't see guys carrying around guns on the streets, there were no riots, etc. 
• My general health. My health is something that causes (or has already caused) the majority of problems in my life. But what I am thankful for when it comes to health is that I don't have a disease that is killing me...or at least I don't think it's killing me. I'll get back to you on that.

Today made it kind of hard to focus on everything I have to be thankful for, but this day is about being grateful for what you have, not about being upset with the shit you've been dealt. Hope everyone was able to enjoy all that they have to be thankful for. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope you all had a great day!

Good day?

I'd actually say I had a pretty good day today despite everything that happened. Yes, that's right people, I'm focusing on the GOOD parts of today instead of the BAD. Bet that was one hell of a surprise, huh?

This morning I woke up with a migraine. That sucked, but I was being spooned by my man, so I didn't really even care I had a migraine. I also got to sleep in until about 11:30! After breakfast, I decided I just couldn't stand my hair cut anymore & that it needed to be fixed. I decided I'd shower, do my hair like I normally do it & head to another stylist to show her what had been done to my hair.

A bit before I was supposed to leave, my awesome manager texted me offering me some hours tonight, so I said I'd come in after my hair cut. I headed to my appointment & was delighted when she thought my hair looked just as horrid as I thought it did :) But really, she could tell the girl just wasn't paying attention. She did an awesome job fixing it, even though she had to take a little more off the bottom.

Funny side story: we were talking about our dogs, & I mentioned Tuck & said, "He's part sheltie, part kangaroo." Her response was, "Oh really? I didn't know they could do that!" Hehe. She thought I meant he literally was part kangaroo instead of me just meaning he's quite the jumper. She was really sweet & actually listened to what I was saying! She seriously did a great job, & I feel like I can actually go out in public again.

After my hair cut I raced home to shower & get ready for work. I took the dogs out right as I was about to leave, & what happens? Tuck has diarrhea. AWESOME! When we got inside he also started dry heaving, so that was great. Usually I wouldn't think very much of this, but he ate poo at the dog park yesterday that I could clearly see a worm in when I went over to get him away from it. I did NOT want to spend Thanksgiving home, taking him out every 5 minutes, so I called the vet. Yeah, apparently they all closed really early for the holiday.

Because of that I had to take him to Banfield in Overland Park. He made it the whole way there, all the time in OP, and the whole way back without making a mess so that was freaking amazing. The vet was actually really good & they were super quick! Something Banfield never has been. Tuck actually liked it. After the vet, I stopped by my mom's house to introduce Tucker to the family dog, Mandy & they got along pretty well. Mandy doesn't like other dogs at all, so that was  huge.

As I was leaving OP, I called back my friend Brian to see what he had called for earlier. I ended up going over to his place to hang out for a bit since I haven't seen him in way too long. Did I mention how much I love catching up with good friends? Let's just say I'm feeling completely refreshed & that's probably the reason I'm being positive tonight. Tuck behaved pretty well after his initial freak out because of meeting a new person & being in a new place.

Now we're finally back home, Tucker is medicated, & Koopa & Tuck are reunited again :D

Insipiration

I had an epically (Really, Firefox? That's a word?) shitty day yesterday, & wasn't banking on today going much better, but as I was driving to class I heard some inspirational on the radio.

Have you heard about the Patriot Guard?

It's a group of people across the nation that go to funerals of people who have died in war, as well as funerals for firemen & policemen. Today some protesters from a church I won't name because they don't deserve it in Topeka were at the funeral of a young man who died. The Patriot Guard and just normal people from the town banded together to force the protesters out of the area so the family & friends could mourn without worrying about or hearing the protesters.

I just think it's so great that people across the US have banded together to protect families from idiotic people like those protesters. If anything like this happens near Lawrence, I'm definitely going to join in if I can. Unlike some stories that I've heard about anti-protesters protesting the protesters (did you follow?), these people simply shield the protesters from the family so they couldn't even be heard. I guess the a few of the people who showed up to the funeral today got into a skirmish with some of the protesters, but mostly this group is just about keeping the family from even knowing there are protesters at their loved one's funeral.

It's refreshing to hear good news on the radio for once.

My collar bone means my collar bone...not my chin

Something I learned today: when going from long hair to short hair, tell the girl you want your hair 2 inches longer than you actually want it. It makes for less of a freak out after it's done & gone.

Another thing I learned: When the girl says, "This is like 6 inches back here, are you sure?!" Say no. Loudly. Then get up and walk out.


Needless to say, I have short hair again. I'm happy about it because it's not bugging me anymore...until I look in the mirror. I think I'll just remove all of the mirrors in my house for a week or two until it grows to the length I actually wanted it.

Letting go of the past

I kind of have a dilemma. When do you know the right time to let go of your friends from the past? I personally think they were the best friends I've ever had & possibly will ever have (which says a lot since I'm only 24). However, we don't see each other anymore since we don't live in the same city. Keeping up on the phone is really difficult, especially because we've all become different people- very different from who we were back then.

These aren't friends that I want to lose, but it's getting hard trying to keep them around. I don't mean hard because I have to put a lot of effort into it- that's not hard because I put zero effort into it. It's hard because it hurts to think that just because they moved away & we've grown up in the mean time our friendship is just going to kind of die.

So what am I supposed to do? Do I hang on & hope it gets better, or that they move back here & we start hanging out again? Even if that happens, our lives have changed so much that it wouldn't be anything like the "old days." When do I know that it's ok to just move on, leave it in the past, & stop worrying about it. Do I owe it to them to let them know I'm moving on (if that's what I decide to do)?

This is so hard for me because I really thought of my friends as family- they were the ones that were there to whisk me out of the house when WWIII was beginning. Not only did they keep my mind off of that, but they 100% morphed me into the open-minded, free-thinking person I am today. They corrupted me. They introduced me to my (future) husband.

This post is really poorly written, but it's hard for me to write emotional posts in a way that makes sense to people outside my head. My final thought about this is that it would be really great to know what they think. Sometimes I wonder if I thought our friendship was greater than it really was- at least to them. Maybe I'm not anywhere near a great friend & our friendship isn't one that they really care to keep up with. Yeah, I could ask, but that's awkward & difficult & I'm not sure I want to hear the answer. So what do I do? Write a blog post about it. Typical.

Two Is Enough

Do you remember how many times you were asked in high school, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I'm sure you were asked a lot. And almost always the question was followed with, "Why?"

I'm reading a book right now called "Two is Enough" which is about couples who choose to live childfree lives.  I've obviously stated that Alexey & I have decided that we do not wish to have children, but I wanted to get perspective on this choice by reading about others who have chosen the same path. Man has it opened my eyes!

Most of my followers on Twitter & my friends are aware that we don't want to have kids, and I've come across the typical responses that you'd expect. The "oh, you'll change your mind" or the more direct response from my sisters- "You're going to have kids," as if I'm pissing them off by even bringing up the subject. What I haven't seen yet is an offended response. Something like, "What, do you hate kids or something?" A lot of the couples interviewed for the book had friends or neighbors who seemed upset that they had chosen not to have children.

Here's what I don't understand about that and also where my opening paragraph comes into play. While they assume that all married couples will have kids after they get married, I assume that couples actually talk about this before they get pregnant. But as I've started talking to people around me about my choice, I've discovered this is not the case. When I've asked others why they want to have children, their response is something like, "Why not?" Just as choosing a career affects the rest of your life, so does having a child. But even bigger than a career choice- choosing to have a child changes everything about your and your spouse's life. You also have to consider what a child's life would be like if you brought them into the world. There are so many things that you must consider before having a child, and I think our culture has made it so that not many couples really consider it to be an option.  It seems to be something you do as to something you choose to do.

I've had a couple of people tell me, outright, that I'm selfish for choosing not to have children. Think about this. How am I being selfish by choosing not to have kids? Is it selfish to not want them to be subjected to my angry outbursts? My laziness? My resentment when I'm 50 years old and realize I didn't live the life I wanted to live and that I no longer even know the amazing husband I started this journey with? I don't think so at all.

The fact is that the difference between me and couples who choose to have kids is that we have different priorities. I want to live a quiet, relaxed life with a man I love. I want to make sure that our love isn't tossed to the side when kids enter the equation and steal the spotlight.

I don't want other people to follow in my footsteps. I'm not trying to convince anyone else to be childless by choice. All I want is for people to open their minds to the idea that choosing to have children is that- a CHOICE. I've made my choice, as has Alexey, and we want to live a life without our own children. I want people to be ok with that. I want them to stop telling me that I'll eventually change my mind or that I'll regret it. I might regret it if I hadn't completely thought it through. And you might regret having kids if you don't (or didn't) completely think it through before it happened.

Day 19

No title today because I don't really have anything to do. Well, just a couple of things...

1) I don't work at all this weekend! I'm pretty much planning on just sleeping :)

2) I'm SO excited for December 18th! Selby is free!! Oh and...ROCK CHALK!


Hope you all have a marvelous weekend! (I'm not exactly sure why I'm using so many exclamation points, but I'm not fighting it!)

Difficult posts

Do you ever have an idea for a post in your head, but you just can't get it out? This is the second time I've tried to write this post, and I just had to save it as a draft...again. I guess I'll try again another day.

For today, I'll just talk about how excited I am for Thanksgiving break! While I'm excited to get to see my (extended) family, I'm mostly just excited to have a break from school. I haven't been able to find any motivation to do much of anything lately. I mean, I've been a complete bum for the past week & a half. Not only lazy, but I've been sleeping a whole lot more too. It makes sense that I'd be like this now because I studied my bum off this semester. I did skip class a whole lot more than I'd like to admit, but obviously I wouldn't have skipped unless I could.

For whatever reason I just learn so much better by reading on my own. I've lost a lot of concentration skills in the past year (I don't know why), so sitting through class is kind of difficult for me. I don't like sitting there not being able to soak up the information- I just kind of feel like it's a waste since I can't get anything out of it anymore, so I just tend to stay at home & read. It's just a better use of my time.

I'm hoping over break I'll be able to relax enough & take my mind off school. Maybe I just need a break to refresh my mind & get back into good student mode. Or maybe this is my body telling me, "JUST FINISH SCHOOL ALREADY!"

Wordless Wednesday...woo hoo!

I was going to write a complicated post, but then it got too complicated & I realized I didn't even have any example to help you all understand what I was talking about. Then I remembered it's Wednesday. Thank goodness for Wordless Wednesday!

Yes please!

My girls....the nut jobs

My cats are pretty much insane. They chase each other up and down the hall all day, make panther noises when they're acting especially nutty, and do things like this:



No, we didn't put her up there. She likes to do the strangest things. Things like that, obviously, but lately she has taken to doing things like this: (note: sorry for talking weird to my cats in the background, but I've already admitted I'm a cat lady so it shouldn't surprise you)

 

That's her rolling around in Tucker's smell. The end of the video clearly shows that she's pretty much terrified of the dogs- she jumps every time she hears them & thinks they're coming upstairs, but apparently she loves them enough (secretly) to want to crawl into their crates & roll around in their smell.

Having 5 animals can be quite a headache sometimes, but it's mostly just moments like these that make me laugh & scratch my head. :D

No words

I don't even have words to describe this right now. But you better believe I had them when I walked in the door at saw this. Let's just say I'm going to have two very well-behaved dogs for a while...you know like an hour more or so :/

Life

Have you ever noticed that life really gets in the way of itself sometimes?

I have 3 different to do lists- one for school, one for my non-school life and one for today. Today, I completely erased the "non-school" to do list. I hated staring at it every day wishing I could do the fun stuff I'd listed. Hell, I was even excited about doing the annoying stuff that just needed to be done. But staring at it day after day was getting a little depressing, so it's gone for now. Until the next break.

I'm looking forward to break for a couple of reasons- to relax, to get things done, to have fun, and to restructure my life. I spend a lot of time trying to motivate myself. Usually I do this by browsing Facebook or Twitter...you can imagine how that works out for me. I need to get myself motivated again & figure out just how much of my time I'm wasting. I think I'm going to end up with a lot more free time...like actual free time I can actually use without feeling bad about not getting other things done for school.

The motivation part will hopefully come from the weight lifting & yoga program I'm going to start myself on. Hopefully I haven't become so completely unmotivated that it's impossible to be motivated again. We shall see in just a few short weeks!

Rearranging movie files

I spent most of my day today rearranging movie files on my computer. This was quite a massive task. I started with probably about 15 different folders named "Video" in various subfolders. Together they contained near 1000 movies. I found out that I had quite a few duplicates, so I was able to trash those & gain some more space on my computer.

As annoying and tedious as it was, it was just as fun, & I really enjoyed seeing some videos I had forgotten existed!

One thing I'll say is that I really wish I took more videos of me & Alexey in the first few years of our relationship. I've got a few, but they are so precious to me & there just aren't enough! I also realized that I didn't take enough video of my animals when they were little. I guess this is good to realize now- just in case we do have babies some day. Maybe then I'll remember how much I regret not having filmed more of their life.

A lot of people have told me I take too many pictures/videos & that I need to just enjoy it. The problem is that I really love memories, but I have a horrible memory. When I see pictures or videos, it triggers the memory in my head & I remember everything about that moment. Without them, I can recall that something like it happened, but I don't have any details. And even though I'm snapping pictures or filming, I still enjoy the moment as it's happening. If I wasn't, the pictures or videos wouldn't matter because I wouldn't enjoy them in the future anyway.

So my goal from here on out is to film Alexey & myself more often & actually TALK in the videos about things that are going on in our lives. Of the few videos there are, we have so many questions about them- like when they were filmed, how old we were, etc, so we're going to leave ourselves some more clues. I'm also not going to take quite so many pictures. I opened up that folder & promptly exited back out because it scared me. Even though I've "organized" it a few times, it's still a complete wreck just because of the sheer amount of photos I have.

Reminiscing today was great & I can't wait until a few years from now when I have even more videos to look back at, smile & remember :)

It's only the 12th...

Nablopomo has taught something about myself...I'm just not very good about consistently doing things that aren't really necessary. I mean, it's only the 12th & I'm having a hard time with this whole posting a blog post every day thing.

I don't NEED to post a blog post every day, but I said I'm doing it & I should. But around this time every night I remember- I forgot to write a blog post, again. The next thought is, "Do I have to?" Like a whiny little 5 year old. No, I guess I don't have to, but I said I would.

Maybe if I had a more interesting life I'd have plenty to write about here, but I just don't have enough material to keep myself interested in blogging daily.

The only thing I can come up with today is complaining about my job. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my job. In the grand scheme of things, there are people I'm helping that do appreciate what we do. Somewhere, they exist...I hope. But on most days I deal with people who don't understand exactly what we do, but they think they know exactly what my job is & how to do it. They also seem to think they're the only person we're dealing with. Those people really get me down some days- like today. We really do try hard to do everything right for every patient, but sometimes things just go wrong.

My only wish is that they didn't assume we did it on purpose to hurt or upset them.

I missed Wordless Wednesday...