Time to move on

I have a history of holding onto things too long. Not in the "hoarder" sense; I have a hard time letting people from my past go. I love thinking back about my past, and I spend a lot of time wishing my present could be more like it and that the friendships I had then could be transported- as they were- to the present time.

But in the past couple of weeks, I've realized that not only is that never going to happen (I'd actually realized this long ago, I just wouldn't accept it) but I don't really want it to anymore.

Don't get me wrong- there are PLENTY of old friends that I will never let go of, but a few of them just aren't the same people. They aren't the person I knew 5-6 years ago and never will be again. Although we used to get along well and have a lot of fun together, that just wouldn't happen now or in the future because we've grown into completely different types of people. A month or so ago this would have upset me greatly, but now I'm just coming to terms with it. I've decided that I'll always have the good memories, and that trying to move forward and bring my old friendships into my future would probably just tarnish the good memories.

One thing I need to learn to do is not sabotage my memories. When I have free time to sit around and do nothing, I start to get upset about how few friends I'm still close to. I don't really have a best friend (other than Alexey) that I can text all day about nothing, no one to gossip with, no one to go to when I just feel like crying, no one to hang out with or call just to talk. Then I start thinking that maybe I just built my favorite friendships up to be more than they actually were and that the people I considered close friends had other friends they were much closer to and that I was just that tag along friend that people just put up with.

I also do the "what if" game, and wonder about what could have happened had I not joined the sorority, had I driven back to OP for more parties, had I drank more or gone out more...would I still be friends with them? Would they have cared enough more to keep in touch with me even when we moved/grew apart? But I know that's a really bad game to play. 

The important part should be that I valued those friendships, and that I have a lot of great memories with those friends. I just have to hope/believe that I will build many more close friendships as soon as school ends and I feel like I can have a life again. And if not, well, I'll just have to move on with my life.

Moving

No, I'm not moving yet, but it's something I've been considering pretty much since my family fell apart. It's probably obvious that I've never really gotten along well with most of my family, but since my parents' divorce I've wanted to move far far away to escape it all. While it's not the best reason to move, it's still not a bad one.

Alexey and I (well...mostly me because I like researching this stuff) have been researching places to live. I'd like to live in a safe place where the average home value is close to what it is here that's close to a big city but not too close. I also want to be a lot closer to the East Coast since I'm hoping to one day inherit my grandparent's beach house in Rehoboth. Right now, our pick is Raleigh, NC and the surrounding suburbs. I've been looking on realtor.com at the available houses and there are a ton of really pretty ones for great prices. I know that means that the economy probably isn't the greatest, but- thankfully- with my profession that won't be too much of a problem (hopefully!). I'm also researching crime rates and trying to figure out the best communities. While it would be GREAT to know someone out there that knows the area, city-data.com is good enough for now. The people on their forums are really helpful.

Researching is the easy part, though. But in the back of my mind I'm worried about the actual move. It's not like we have gobs and gobs of friends here, but we do have a couple that will be hard to leave behind and our family lives here. Yeah, I don't get along with my family and, in theory, it should be easy to move away, but I'll never stop wishing it will get better or trying to make it better. Being far away will either allow me to pull away completely or will help our relationship. It's just scary picking up your life and moving it halfway across the country when you know absolutely no one there. Who do I give my spare key to in case I lock myself out? Since we're not the type of people that go out often, how do we make friends? Will we be able to find people out there? Will we regret moving away from our lives here? Will Alexey miss his family who he does get along with?

There are just so many what ifs that are making me want to just give up the idea and stay put, but I really don't think I'd be happy living here. My heart has always pulled me toward the East Coast. A move would be years down the road, so I have plenty of time to grow and the answer will eventually come to us, but I can't help being a planner.

Have any of you ever picked up your life and moved to a place where you didn't know the area or hardly any people?

10 things I love

10. Basketball- and not just KU basketball. I love playing basketball so much, and it's something I need to start doing again

9. Shopping. When I save up enough shopping money to do some serious retail therapy, I love it. It's funny because I used to completely hate shopping with a passion. Now that I can go on my own & I'm completely free to make my own choices, I really do love it. Online shopping also makes it easier to love to shop.

8. Driving the shit out of my car. I can't wait for summer to come again so I can put my tires back on and have some grip!

7. Spending time with friends I love. I don't do that nearly enough & tend to make excuses for not seeing the few that are still close to Lawrence. I always say, "Oh they live too far away to visit," but I just need to man up and make the damn drive to OP.

6. Learning new languages. After I just upgraded to iTunes10, I noticed a few features, like audiobooks. This lead to me find a few books that teach you Russian. I also found tons of audio recordings of Russian conversation, so I'm hoping to start picking it up.

5. Lifting weights. I find it so invigorating and I absolutely love the feeling I get after lifting for a while- when I can feel myself getting stronger. And not to mention, it's an easy way to put on weight that looks good.

4. Community service. I used to volunteer all the time and it's something I stopped doing about a year ago. I get a sense of purpose from volunteering and I'm going to start doing it again after finals.

3. Thinking up all of the wonderful outfits I'm going to wear when I a) finally get over my sweatpants phase and b) have enough money to sophisticated clothing.

2. Reading, movies, & TV. Sometimes you need a break from your life or at least a reminder of better things, and these three things are a great way to do that.

1. Our little family that we've created. Every night when we're all at home, the cats are upstairs meowing/going nuts and the puppies are running figure eights around the downstairs, Alexey and I just look at each other and smile because, at the end of the day, life is good.

Grocery shopping

Truth be told, I suck at grocery shopping. I buy whatever the hell I feel like eating at that moment as well as what I think I might like to eat if I can get the guts to. Because of the first part, I end up with a lot of snacks (aka junk) and not a whole lot of meal-type food. And because of the second part, Alexey ends up with a lot of food he doesn't have to pay for.

My other problem is that I don't limit myself. My budget way overestimates how much I need for groceries. I do this because I know how I shop. I walk into the store and go up and down the aisles, grabbing whatever I feel like. I stop when I a) get tired of shopping or b) run out of space in my cart.

I also make a ton of small trips instead of one big one. I stop in for bread or milk or chips and I leave with at least 3-4 bags- every.single.time. I literally did a dance outside HyVee a couple trips ago because I only got the 3 things I went in for. That was seriously HUGE for me.

Yesterday I posted about how I haven't been to HyVee in over a month. This is good because I'm saving a crap ton of money by finishing every last thing I've bought. This is bad because all I have left are snacks. I believe I had popcorn for dinner 4 nights in a row until I ran out. Now cereal is all that I'm left with, and I think I only have enough for one more bowl. After that I'll be having Wheat Thins or chips and dip.

I should probably just go and restock everything, but I kind of like this. Back up...I like that I'm actually using all of the food I've bought instead of buying new food and throwing out everything that I haven't used. I don't like eating popcorn or Wheat Thins for dinner.

When I looked at my bank account yesterday and saw that it had been a whole month since I bought any groceries, I was ecstatic. Shopping for food is a huge weakness of mine and an area that I waste a lot of money. From now on, I'm going to:

a) Stop buying things to try them because that actually never even happens. They just get shoved to the back of the pantry until they expire.
b) Stop buying multiples of things. By time I get through the first pack of whatever it is, I'm so sick of it that I can hardly look at the second pack.
c) Buy more dinner food and less snack food.
d) Stop making small trips to the store to pick up a few things...alone. It can either wait until my next big trip, or I can go with Alexey so he can make me buy only what's on my list.
e) STOP SHOPPING HUNGRY! I need to start going when I'm so full that food nauseates me...maybe that will motivate me to stick to the list.

What I'm thankful for...

I know that I come off as a really unhappy, negative person & I'm sure I annoy quite a few of you. Right now, I'm not at a place in my life where things are going my way, so it gets me down more often than not. However, I do have many things in my life that I'm incredibly grateful for. I was going to take the easy way out of a real Thanksgiving post, but as I was reading other people's posts, I realized I should write them down; focus on the good. So here they are:

• My man. I get way more grumpy with him than I should because he is the most wonderful boyfriend I could ever dream up. He treats me so much better than I probably deserve, and he's the best furdad ever. 
• Our love. As cheesy as it is, I'm really thankful we're still so in love. I felt like this had to be a separate point- just because you have the man doesn't mean you've still got the love!
• My furbabies. I bitch about them on here quite a bit when they do bad things, but it's complete bliss watching them fall asleep & dream their puppy/kitty dreams. Their love is truly unconditional & the stupidest things make them happy as can be. I should really take note & try to see the world like they do....minus the drool & other nasty things ;)
• My sisters. Although we don't get along all the time & they do some things I don't approve of & would never do, I have had much better relationships with them ever since the divorce. We depend on each other more now than we ever have. It's taken some getting used to, but I think I'm finally starting to understand what having a close relationship with my sisters is like. It's mostly good haha
• My house, my car, all of my stuff. Being able to have all of the crap I do is something I take for granted much too often. 
• My job. Sure, there are things I'd like to be different at work, but I have a job. In today's world that is damn lucky. I'm also thankful to work with such amazing people. They have really become friends that I'll miss when we all move to different stores or on to different places. 
• My education. School stresses me out like no other, but learning is something I really love. Once school is over, I hope I have enough time to continue taking classes. Even if I don't, I'll still be thankful for my education & all that I've learned. 
• The level of freedom I have. I was thinking about this on my drive to OP today. I drove almost an hour away & didn't have to stop at any military checkpoints, didn't see guys carrying around guns on the streets, there were no riots, etc. 
• My general health. My health is something that causes (or has already caused) the majority of problems in my life. But what I am thankful for when it comes to health is that I don't have a disease that is killing me...or at least I don't think it's killing me. I'll get back to you on that.

Today made it kind of hard to focus on everything I have to be thankful for, but this day is about being grateful for what you have, not about being upset with the shit you've been dealt. Hope everyone was able to enjoy all that they have to be thankful for. 

Letting go of the past

I kind of have a dilemma. When do you know the right time to let go of your friends from the past? I personally think they were the best friends I've ever had & possibly will ever have (which says a lot since I'm only 24). However, we don't see each other anymore since we don't live in the same city. Keeping up on the phone is really difficult, especially because we've all become different people- very different from who we were back then.

These aren't friends that I want to lose, but it's getting hard trying to keep them around. I don't mean hard because I have to put a lot of effort into it- that's not hard because I put zero effort into it. It's hard because it hurts to think that just because they moved away & we've grown up in the mean time our friendship is just going to kind of die.

So what am I supposed to do? Do I hang on & hope it gets better, or that they move back here & we start hanging out again? Even if that happens, our lives have changed so much that it wouldn't be anything like the "old days." When do I know that it's ok to just move on, leave it in the past, & stop worrying about it. Do I owe it to them to let them know I'm moving on (if that's what I decide to do)?

This is so hard for me because I really thought of my friends as family- they were the ones that were there to whisk me out of the house when WWIII was beginning. Not only did they keep my mind off of that, but they 100% morphed me into the open-minded, free-thinking person I am today. They corrupted me. They introduced me to my (future) husband.

This post is really poorly written, but it's hard for me to write emotional posts in a way that makes sense to people outside my head. My final thought about this is that it would be really great to know what they think. Sometimes I wonder if I thought our friendship was greater than it really was- at least to them. Maybe I'm not anywhere near a great friend & our friendship isn't one that they really care to keep up with. Yeah, I could ask, but that's awkward & difficult & I'm not sure I want to hear the answer. So what do I do? Write a blog post about it. Typical.

Two Is Enough

Do you remember how many times you were asked in high school, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I'm sure you were asked a lot. And almost always the question was followed with, "Why?"

I'm reading a book right now called "Two is Enough" which is about couples who choose to live childfree lives.  I've obviously stated that Alexey & I have decided that we do not wish to have children, but I wanted to get perspective on this choice by reading about others who have chosen the same path. Man has it opened my eyes!

Most of my followers on Twitter & my friends are aware that we don't want to have kids, and I've come across the typical responses that you'd expect. The "oh, you'll change your mind" or the more direct response from my sisters- "You're going to have kids," as if I'm pissing them off by even bringing up the subject. What I haven't seen yet is an offended response. Something like, "What, do you hate kids or something?" A lot of the couples interviewed for the book had friends or neighbors who seemed upset that they had chosen not to have children.

Here's what I don't understand about that and also where my opening paragraph comes into play. While they assume that all married couples will have kids after they get married, I assume that couples actually talk about this before they get pregnant. But as I've started talking to people around me about my choice, I've discovered this is not the case. When I've asked others why they want to have children, their response is something like, "Why not?" Just as choosing a career affects the rest of your life, so does having a child. But even bigger than a career choice- choosing to have a child changes everything about your and your spouse's life. You also have to consider what a child's life would be like if you brought them into the world. There are so many things that you must consider before having a child, and I think our culture has made it so that not many couples really consider it to be an option.  It seems to be something you do as to something you choose to do.

I've had a couple of people tell me, outright, that I'm selfish for choosing not to have children. Think about this. How am I being selfish by choosing not to have kids? Is it selfish to not want them to be subjected to my angry outbursts? My laziness? My resentment when I'm 50 years old and realize I didn't live the life I wanted to live and that I no longer even know the amazing husband I started this journey with? I don't think so at all.

The fact is that the difference between me and couples who choose to have kids is that we have different priorities. I want to live a quiet, relaxed life with a man I love. I want to make sure that our love isn't tossed to the side when kids enter the equation and steal the spotlight.

I don't want other people to follow in my footsteps. I'm not trying to convince anyone else to be childless by choice. All I want is for people to open their minds to the idea that choosing to have children is that- a CHOICE. I've made my choice, as has Alexey, and we want to live a life without our own children. I want people to be ok with that. I want them to stop telling me that I'll eventually change my mind or that I'll regret it. I might regret it if I hadn't completely thought it through. And you might regret having kids if you don't (or didn't) completely think it through before it happened.

Rearranging movie files

I spent most of my day today rearranging movie files on my computer. This was quite a massive task. I started with probably about 15 different folders named "Video" in various subfolders. Together they contained near 1000 movies. I found out that I had quite a few duplicates, so I was able to trash those & gain some more space on my computer.

As annoying and tedious as it was, it was just as fun, & I really enjoyed seeing some videos I had forgotten existed!

One thing I'll say is that I really wish I took more videos of me & Alexey in the first few years of our relationship. I've got a few, but they are so precious to me & there just aren't enough! I also realized that I didn't take enough video of my animals when they were little. I guess this is good to realize now- just in case we do have babies some day. Maybe then I'll remember how much I regret not having filmed more of their life.

A lot of people have told me I take too many pictures/videos & that I need to just enjoy it. The problem is that I really love memories, but I have a horrible memory. When I see pictures or videos, it triggers the memory in my head & I remember everything about that moment. Without them, I can recall that something like it happened, but I don't have any details. And even though I'm snapping pictures or filming, I still enjoy the moment as it's happening. If I wasn't, the pictures or videos wouldn't matter because I wouldn't enjoy them in the future anyway.

So my goal from here on out is to film Alexey & myself more often & actually TALK in the videos about things that are going on in our lives. Of the few videos there are, we have so many questions about them- like when they were filmed, how old we were, etc, so we're going to leave ourselves some more clues. I'm also not going to take quite so many pictures. I opened up that folder & promptly exited back out because it scared me. Even though I've "organized" it a few times, it's still a complete wreck just because of the sheer amount of photos I have.

Reminiscing today was great & I can't wait until a few years from now when I have even more videos to look back at, smile & remember :)

Sigh

I feel like all I have to say is pessimistic- or at least viewed that way. That's probably why I rant about things so much on here...it's better to rant about something than annoy people with my constant complaining.

I don't know if any of you have ever felt like this, but I feel like I'm constantly annoying people with my complaining. I know what you're thinking- "Just stop then!" but I can't. I have two positive things in my life- my boyfriend and my pets. The pets are iffy though- they can be hella annoying some days and make my mood even worse. But most of the time they make me happy.

Five years ago I would have been one of the people on the other side saying, "Why can't you just cheer up?" My family was fine, my health was fine, I was sailing through school, finances were great, friends were awesome, I played sports, I went out, I was happy. I can't say that anymore. My family is a complete mess, my health is shit, school is not only hard but I'm constantly stressing out about just keeping up, work is stressful, finances are ok but next year worries me, I have 1 friend (who is awesome, but I still miss having a close girl friend and my group of guy friends), I don't have time to do anything & even when I do I just feel like sitting at home and relaxing, and I just don't feel happy.

I have to mention here so no one gets worried that Alexey has nothing to do with my unhappiness; our relationship still amazes me. It's everything that goes on outside of our house that gets me down. A decade ago I could classify myself as stressed out. There's a lot of shit going on in my life that most people just don't have to deal with. But nowadays what I'm feeling is classified as "depressed." It's like I'm not allowed to have a couple of bad years while I sort out how to deal with everything. People tell me how worried they are about me. While I appreciate it, I don't always appreciate how they tell me I need to get on some medicine or start seeing a therapist. Medicine, I do not need. A therapist, I'll definitely consider.

My so-called "depression" does not come from nothing. It's not like my life is still as great as it was a decade ago. I'm not sure why everyone expects me to put on a happy face as I'm going through all of this- now that would not be normal. What I'm feeling is not caused by a chemical imbalance, it's caused by change. Not good change but bad change. Change that is going to take some adapting to get used to; some planning to get out of the mess. Most of all it's going to take time- I'm already well aware of that as it's been a couple of years since everything started on this downhill path.

I just wish that people wouldn't be so quick to categorize what I'm feeling. Allow me to feel some emotion instead of wanting me to cover it up with drugs. But what I've found is that most people are uncomfortable when another person shows a negative emotion- they just don't know how to deal with it. I can't even tell you how often I've been asked how my weekend was & replied honestly with, "Shitty," and had the other person stare blankly back at me before turning and pretending to be busy.

Am I supposed to lie in a situation like that? Because that's what I've started doing. I'm normally a brutally honest person. If you ask me a question, I want to answer it honestly. Why should I cover up anything? That's just not me. But lately I've started covering up problems in my life because no one really wants to hear it. They only want to hear about people having good times and enjoying life.

Like I said earlier I am going to start seeing a therapist to get some help with ways to sort through everything I'm dealing with. I bet a few of you feel uncomfortable with me admitting that since most people don't like to admit that they have to ask for help. Having everything out in the open for me is therapeutic. A couple of years ago I thought it helped if I just kept my smile plastered on and pretended everything was ok. That ate me up inside and I walked around feeling like I just needed to scream half the time.

I don't know where I'm really going with this post except to say that I'm tired of feeling like I need to keep my problems and bad mood hidden and that I wish I could be more open with people. Not even that- I wish I could be more open and have people actually be comfortable with that. That people could feel like it's ok to open up and that living such private lives isn't how it should be. I know I can't be the only person out there who feels this way.

On Babies...

Recently, so many people have randomly been bringing up babies. And it's always: "when you have babies," "your kids," and other things that assume we will have kids.

I'm so tired of people expecting me to be on the same track as everyone else. Dating (no longer than 3 years or people start questioning why you're not engaged) --> engagement --> marriage --> kids. That's life and that's how you're supposed to do it. If that's not how you want to do it, people either think you're crazy or that you'll grow out of it. News flash: probably not going to grow out of this one.

The trigger for this rant came yesterday when Alexey and I went to visit his mom in OP. She was getting off work, so we met her there and she, of course, wanted to show us off to all of her coworkers that were still there. She started introducing me as Alexey's girlfriend, but then to one person she referred to me as her "future daughter-in-law, I hope." She is really superstitious and thinks she's going to jinx it if she calls me her future daughter-in-law with no doubt, so she never will say it straight out. I was like, "Just say it! It's not a question mark at all." So she went back to the people she had already introduced us to and reintroduced me as her future daughter-in-law. Oh Russians...

Anyway, the last person she introduced us to had pictures of her grandkids all over the place. She introduced me as her future daughter-in-law and the lady was like, "Oh congratulations! When's the big day?" And I was like, "It's not official yet." Alexey's mom launched into her usual speech about how education is first, then marriage, then grandkids, I hope. The lady was like well grandkids will come of course, in due time.

Of course? Grandkids will come OF COURSE?!? No not of course. I don't want kids. "Oh, of course you do. You'd be such great parents!" Well, that's cool. Just because I'd supposedly be a good mom, I should have kids? I don't think so.


My sisters call me selfish and crazy for saying I don't want kids. I think I'm being entirely UNselfish. I'd be a shitty mom. Here are my reasons:

UNselfish reasons:
-I spend more than half of my life in bed, completely worthless, because I ate the wrong thing
-I have multiple phobias (don't want to pass them onto kids)
-I don't eat many types of food (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I'm kind of a germ-a-phobe (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I don't have much patience and tend to snap when I get mad
-My family is effing nuts & there is so much drama/heartbreak associated with them
-I'm not very confident
-I'd probably be exactly like my mom to them
-Hormones will make me a raging(er) bitch to Alexey during pregnancy
-I'm not strong enough emotionally
-Alexey and I don't have the same religion and as much as I hate religion now, I think it provided me the structure I needed to turn out a good kid


Selfish reasons:
-I love my boyfriend more than anything and NEVER want that to change
-Pukey stomachs
-Life will become so much more stressful and my IBS will get worse
-What if one is allergic to animals?!
-Everything will be dirty & unorganized
-I wouldn't do well arguing with a kid/teenager
-Droopy boobs, hemorrhoids (yes I spelled that without googling how to!), poochy stomach
-Always being on someone else's schedule


I have thought this out. I've tried to talk myself into being ok with having kids, but I just can't do it. When I hear stories about parents and their adorable kids, my heart aches. I want a kid that says hilarious things and does ridiculously cute things. But I always wanted a monkey when I was little. I'd be good monkey-mom and monkies are freakin' cute...does that mean I should get one? No.


Here's the deal: yes, I will of course regret not having kids at many points in my life. Having a dog (which is much less annoying/expensive/exhausting than having a kid) has made me throw my hands up in the air on multiple occasions and wish that I had never gotten a dog, so I'm positive that if I had kids I'd also regret having them.


I know I'll also feel extremely guilty about not having them because Alexey's mom wants grandkids sooo bad. I'm going to wonder if I could have raised the best bballer ever- and yes, I would have ;)but I just can't have kids just because that's what people do. Call me crazy, call me selfish, but I'll still probably end up childless.