Sigh

I feel like all I have to say is pessimistic- or at least viewed that way. That's probably why I rant about things so much on here...it's better to rant about something than annoy people with my constant complaining.

I don't know if any of you have ever felt like this, but I feel like I'm constantly annoying people with my complaining. I know what you're thinking- "Just stop then!" but I can't. I have two positive things in my life- my boyfriend and my pets. The pets are iffy though- they can be hella annoying some days and make my mood even worse. But most of the time they make me happy.

Five years ago I would have been one of the people on the other side saying, "Why can't you just cheer up?" My family was fine, my health was fine, I was sailing through school, finances were great, friends were awesome, I played sports, I went out, I was happy. I can't say that anymore. My family is a complete mess, my health is shit, school is not only hard but I'm constantly stressing out about just keeping up, work is stressful, finances are ok but next year worries me, I have 1 friend (who is awesome, but I still miss having a close girl friend and my group of guy friends), I don't have time to do anything & even when I do I just feel like sitting at home and relaxing, and I just don't feel happy.

I have to mention here so no one gets worried that Alexey has nothing to do with my unhappiness; our relationship still amazes me. It's everything that goes on outside of our house that gets me down. A decade ago I could classify myself as stressed out. There's a lot of shit going on in my life that most people just don't have to deal with. But nowadays what I'm feeling is classified as "depressed." It's like I'm not allowed to have a couple of bad years while I sort out how to deal with everything. People tell me how worried they are about me. While I appreciate it, I don't always appreciate how they tell me I need to get on some medicine or start seeing a therapist. Medicine, I do not need. A therapist, I'll definitely consider.

My so-called "depression" does not come from nothing. It's not like my life is still as great as it was a decade ago. I'm not sure why everyone expects me to put on a happy face as I'm going through all of this- now that would not be normal. What I'm feeling is not caused by a chemical imbalance, it's caused by change. Not good change but bad change. Change that is going to take some adapting to get used to; some planning to get out of the mess. Most of all it's going to take time- I'm already well aware of that as it's been a couple of years since everything started on this downhill path.

I just wish that people wouldn't be so quick to categorize what I'm feeling. Allow me to feel some emotion instead of wanting me to cover it up with drugs. But what I've found is that most people are uncomfortable when another person shows a negative emotion- they just don't know how to deal with it. I can't even tell you how often I've been asked how my weekend was & replied honestly with, "Shitty," and had the other person stare blankly back at me before turning and pretending to be busy.

Am I supposed to lie in a situation like that? Because that's what I've started doing. I'm normally a brutally honest person. If you ask me a question, I want to answer it honestly. Why should I cover up anything? That's just not me. But lately I've started covering up problems in my life because no one really wants to hear it. They only want to hear about people having good times and enjoying life.

Like I said earlier I am going to start seeing a therapist to get some help with ways to sort through everything I'm dealing with. I bet a few of you feel uncomfortable with me admitting that since most people don't like to admit that they have to ask for help. Having everything out in the open for me is therapeutic. A couple of years ago I thought it helped if I just kept my smile plastered on and pretended everything was ok. That ate me up inside and I walked around feeling like I just needed to scream half the time.

I don't know where I'm really going with this post except to say that I'm tired of feeling like I need to keep my problems and bad mood hidden and that I wish I could be more open with people. Not even that- I wish I could be more open and have people actually be comfortable with that. That people could feel like it's ok to open up and that living such private lives isn't how it should be. I know I can't be the only person out there who feels this way.