Do you remember how many times you were asked in high school, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I'm sure you were asked a lot. And almost always the question was followed with, "Why?"
I'm reading a book right now called "Two is Enough" which is about couples who choose to live childfree lives. I've obviously stated that Alexey & I have decided that we do not wish to have children, but I wanted to get perspective on this choice by reading about others who have chosen the same path. Man has it opened my eyes!
Most of my followers on Twitter & my friends are aware that we don't want to have kids, and I've come across the typical responses that you'd expect. The "oh, you'll change your mind" or the more direct response from my sisters- "You're going to have kids," as if I'm pissing them off by even bringing up the subject. What I haven't seen yet is an offended response. Something like, "What, do you hate kids or something?" A lot of the couples interviewed for the book had friends or neighbors who seemed upset that they had chosen not to have children.
Here's what I don't understand about that and also where my opening paragraph comes into play. While they assume that all married couples will have kids after they get married, I assume that couples actually talk about this before they get pregnant. But as I've started talking to people around me about my choice, I've discovered this is not the case. When I've asked others why they want to have children, their response is something like, "Why not?" Just as choosing a career affects the rest of your life, so does having a child. But even bigger than a career choice- choosing to have a child changes everything about your and your spouse's life. You also have to consider what a child's life would be like if you brought them into the world. There are so many things that you must consider before having a child, and I think our culture has made it so that not many couples really consider it to be an option. It seems to be something you do as to something you choose to do.
I've had a couple of people tell me, outright, that I'm selfish for choosing not to have children. Think about this. How am I being selfish by choosing not to have kids? Is it selfish to not want them to be subjected to my angry outbursts? My laziness? My resentment when I'm 50 years old and realize I didn't live the life I wanted to live and that I no longer even know the amazing husband I started this journey with? I don't think so at all.
The fact is that the difference between me and couples who choose to have kids is that we have different priorities. I want to live a quiet, relaxed life with a man I love. I want to make sure that our love isn't tossed to the side when kids enter the equation and steal the spotlight.
I don't want other people to follow in my footsteps. I'm not trying to convince anyone else to be childless by choice. All I want is for people to open their minds to the idea that choosing to have children is that- a CHOICE. I've made my choice, as has Alexey, and we want to live a life without our own children. I want people to be ok with that. I want them to stop telling me that I'll eventually change my mind or that I'll regret it. I might regret it if I hadn't completely thought it through. And you might regret having kids if you don't (or didn't) completely think it through before it happened.
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
On Babies...Again
I've been watching The Rachel Zoe Project.
Rodger & Rachel are older and haven't had any children yet. The show is really putting a lot of emphasis on the fact that not having kids yet is putting a strain on their marriage. Obviously I don't know the details of their relationship & I don't know if they've had as many talks about kids as Alexey & I have. As an outsider looking in, it seems as though they each want kids and had decided to have them until Rachel's career got in the way. Once again, this is purely speculation.
Watching the show makes me worry that Alexey & I will turn out that way if we go through with skipping the whole kid thing. Or that by the time we realize being childless isn't for us I'll be too old to have children. What I could really use is some perspective from couples who have lived a life without children.
Naturally, I went to Google hoping to find exactly what I was looking for. What did I find? I found some stories from and a few websites for couples who've decided to not have kids. The problem? All of these people seem to HATE kids! Out of our many reasons for not wanting to have kids, hating them is NOT on the list. Sure, kids can be extremely annoying sometimes, but they are also pretty awesome other times. Ok, my point here is that I don't hate kids. So reading blogs and articles by so-called "child-free" couples that hate children doesn't really give me the perspective I need.
I also can't really get it from what seems to be the other half of childless couples- the ones who can't physically conceive. Not that we've tried yet (gasp- they're virgins!), but I'd assume I'm fertile. I haven't been forced into the idea of not having kids. So I can't relate at all to those couples either.
Even if I did find articles written by people just like me in similar situations, I'm still not sure it would help us make our decision. It would be a much easier decision except for expectations. Ugh...that's such a dirty word. Society (oh god, here I go getting deep...don't worry it won't last too long) expects married couples to have babies. And when they don't have babies, it's not just strange- it's wrong. Alexey & I aren't even married yet & people already continually ask when we're going to start popping out babies. *sigh*
Family is another issue. They also expect us to have kids. Here it's a slightly different story. If we don't have kids, they take it personally. We're denying them of grandkids. That's obviously hard for them, but even harder on us. Making decisions is easy when it only affects you and you alone. When your decisions affect others- and take away something from them- it gets hard, really freakin hard.
I don't want to turn this into a post again about why we don't want kids. I really just wanted to keep it about finding out what it's like for people who have been there and done that. If you have any perspective on this at all, share please! I'd love to hear it. If you don't want to post it publicly I'll try to post something in my sidebar to allow you to email me.
Rodger & Rachel are older and haven't had any children yet. The show is really putting a lot of emphasis on the fact that not having kids yet is putting a strain on their marriage. Obviously I don't know the details of their relationship & I don't know if they've had as many talks about kids as Alexey & I have. As an outsider looking in, it seems as though they each want kids and had decided to have them until Rachel's career got in the way. Once again, this is purely speculation.
Watching the show makes me worry that Alexey & I will turn out that way if we go through with skipping the whole kid thing. Or that by the time we realize being childless isn't for us I'll be too old to have children. What I could really use is some perspective from couples who have lived a life without children.
Naturally, I went to Google hoping to find exactly what I was looking for. What did I find? I found some stories from and a few websites for couples who've decided to not have kids. The problem? All of these people seem to HATE kids! Out of our many reasons for not wanting to have kids, hating them is NOT on the list. Sure, kids can be extremely annoying sometimes, but they are also pretty awesome other times. Ok, my point here is that I don't hate kids. So reading blogs and articles by so-called "child-free" couples that hate children doesn't really give me the perspective I need.
I also can't really get it from what seems to be the other half of childless couples- the ones who can't physically conceive. Not that we've tried yet (gasp- they're virgins!), but I'd assume I'm fertile. I haven't been forced into the idea of not having kids. So I can't relate at all to those couples either.
Even if I did find articles written by people just like me in similar situations, I'm still not sure it would help us make our decision. It would be a much easier decision except for expectations. Ugh...that's such a dirty word. Society (oh god, here I go getting deep...don't worry it won't last too long) expects married couples to have babies. And when they don't have babies, it's not just strange- it's wrong. Alexey & I aren't even married yet & people already continually ask when we're going to start popping out babies. *sigh*
Family is another issue. They also expect us to have kids. Here it's a slightly different story. If we don't have kids, they take it personally. We're denying them of grandkids. That's obviously hard for them, but even harder on us. Making decisions is easy when it only affects you and you alone. When your decisions affect others- and take away something from them- it gets hard, really freakin hard.
I don't want to turn this into a post again about why we don't want kids. I really just wanted to keep it about finding out what it's like for people who have been there and done that. If you have any perspective on this at all, share please! I'd love to hear it. If you don't want to post it publicly I'll try to post something in my sidebar to allow you to email me.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
On Babies...
Recently, so many people have randomly been bringing up babies. And it's always: "when you have babies," "your kids," and other things that assume we will have kids.
I'm so tired of people expecting me to be on the same track as everyone else. Dating (no longer than 3 years or people start questioning why you're not engaged) --> engagement --> marriage --> kids. That's life and that's how you're supposed to do it. If that's not how you want to do it, people either think you're crazy or that you'll grow out of it. News flash: probably not going to grow out of this one.
The trigger for this rant came yesterday when Alexey and I went to visit his mom in OP. She was getting off work, so we met her there and she, of course, wanted to show us off to all of her coworkers that were still there. She started introducing me as Alexey's girlfriend, but then to one person she referred to me as her "future daughter-in-law, I hope." She is really superstitious and thinks she's going to jinx it if she calls me her future daughter-in-law with no doubt, so she never will say it straight out. I was like, "Just say it! It's not a question mark at all." So she went back to the people she had already introduced us to and reintroduced me as her future daughter-in-law. Oh Russians...
Anyway, the last person she introduced us to had pictures of her grandkids all over the place. She introduced me as her future daughter-in-law and the lady was like, "Oh congratulations! When's the big day?" And I was like, "It's not official yet." Alexey's mom launched into her usual speech about how education is first, then marriage, then grandkids, I hope. The lady was like well grandkids will come of course, in due time.
Of course? Grandkids will come OF COURSE?!? No not of course. I don't want kids. "Oh, of course you do. You'd be such great parents!" Well, that's cool. Just because I'd supposedly be a good mom, I should have kids? I don't think so.
My sisters call me selfish and crazy for saying I don't want kids. I think I'm being entirely UNselfish. I'd be a shitty mom. Here are my reasons:
UNselfish reasons:
-I spend more than half of my life in bed, completely worthless, because I ate the wrong thing
-I have multiple phobias (don't want to pass them onto kids)
-I don't eat many types of food (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I'm kind of a germ-a-phobe (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I don't have much patience and tend to snap when I get mad
-My family is effing nuts & there is so much drama/heartbreak associated with them
-I'm not very confident
-I'd probably be exactly like my mom to them
-Hormones will make me a raging(er) bitch to Alexey during pregnancy
-I'm not strong enough emotionally
-Alexey and I don't have the same religion and as much as I hate religion now, I think it provided me the structure I needed to turn out a good kid
Selfish reasons:
-I love my boyfriend more than anything and NEVER want that to change
-Pukey stomachs
-Life will become so much more stressful and my IBS will get worse
-What if one is allergic to animals?!
-Everything will be dirty & unorganized
-I wouldn't do well arguing with a kid/teenager
-Droopy boobs, hemorrhoids (yes I spelled that without googling how to!), poochy stomach
-Always being on someone else's schedule
I have thought this out. I've tried to talk myself into being ok with having kids, but I just can't do it. When I hear stories about parents and their adorable kids, my heart aches. I want a kid that says hilarious things and does ridiculously cute things. But I always wanted a monkey when I was little. I'd be good monkey-mom and monkies are freakin' cute...does that mean I should get one? No.
Here's the deal: yes, I will of course regret not having kids at many points in my life. Having a dog (which is much less annoying/expensive/exhausting than having a kid) has made me throw my hands up in the air on multiple occasions and wish that I had never gotten a dog, so I'm positive that if I had kids I'd also regret having them.
I know I'll also feel extremely guilty about not having them because Alexey's mom wants grandkids sooo bad. I'm going to wonder if I could have raised the best bballer ever- and yes, I would have ;)but I just can't have kids just because that's what people do. Call me crazy, call me selfish, but I'll still probably end up childless.
I'm so tired of people expecting me to be on the same track as everyone else. Dating (no longer than 3 years or people start questioning why you're not engaged) --> engagement --> marriage --> kids. That's life and that's how you're supposed to do it. If that's not how you want to do it, people either think you're crazy or that you'll grow out of it. News flash: probably not going to grow out of this one.
The trigger for this rant came yesterday when Alexey and I went to visit his mom in OP. She was getting off work, so we met her there and she, of course, wanted to show us off to all of her coworkers that were still there. She started introducing me as Alexey's girlfriend, but then to one person she referred to me as her "future daughter-in-law, I hope." She is really superstitious and thinks she's going to jinx it if she calls me her future daughter-in-law with no doubt, so she never will say it straight out. I was like, "Just say it! It's not a question mark at all." So she went back to the people she had already introduced us to and reintroduced me as her future daughter-in-law. Oh Russians...
Anyway, the last person she introduced us to had pictures of her grandkids all over the place. She introduced me as her future daughter-in-law and the lady was like, "Oh congratulations! When's the big day?" And I was like, "It's not official yet." Alexey's mom launched into her usual speech about how education is first, then marriage, then grandkids, I hope. The lady was like well grandkids will come of course, in due time.
Of course? Grandkids will come OF COURSE?!? No not of course. I don't want kids. "Oh, of course you do. You'd be such great parents!" Well, that's cool. Just because I'd supposedly be a good mom, I should have kids? I don't think so.
My sisters call me selfish and crazy for saying I don't want kids. I think I'm being entirely UNselfish. I'd be a shitty mom. Here are my reasons:
UNselfish reasons:
-I spend more than half of my life in bed, completely worthless, because I ate the wrong thing
-I have multiple phobias (don't want to pass them onto kids)
-I don't eat many types of food (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I'm kind of a germ-a-phobe (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I don't have much patience and tend to snap when I get mad
-My family is effing nuts & there is so much drama/heartbreak associated with them
-I'm not very confident
-I'd probably be exactly like my mom to them
-Hormones will make me a raging(er) bitch to Alexey during pregnancy
-I'm not strong enough emotionally
-Alexey and I don't have the same religion and as much as I hate religion now, I think it provided me the structure I needed to turn out a good kid
Selfish reasons:
-I love my boyfriend more than anything and NEVER want that to change
-Pukey stomachs
-Life will become so much more stressful and my IBS will get worse
-What if one is allergic to animals?!
-Everything will be dirty & unorganized
-I wouldn't do well arguing with a kid/teenager
-Droopy boobs, hemorrhoids (yes I spelled that without googling how to!), poochy stomach
-Always being on someone else's schedule
I have thought this out. I've tried to talk myself into being ok with having kids, but I just can't do it. When I hear stories about parents and their adorable kids, my heart aches. I want a kid that says hilarious things and does ridiculously cute things. But I always wanted a monkey when I was little. I'd be good monkey-mom and monkies are freakin' cute...does that mean I should get one? No.
Here's the deal: yes, I will of course regret not having kids at many points in my life. Having a dog (which is much less annoying/expensive/exhausting than having a kid) has made me throw my hands up in the air on multiple occasions and wish that I had never gotten a dog, so I'm positive that if I had kids I'd also regret having them.
I know I'll also feel extremely guilty about not having them because Alexey's mom wants grandkids sooo bad. I'm going to wonder if I could have raised the best bballer ever- and yes, I would have ;)but I just can't have kids just because that's what people do. Call me crazy, call me selfish, but I'll still probably end up childless.
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