Surprise! I deal with a lot of crap in my life & I'm not happy 100% of the time. I don't have a lot of close friends because they've all moved away or I just don't have time to go back to OP to hang out with them anymore. That means I don't have many people to vent to.
Twitter is a great outlet. You can blurt anything you want & sometimes you'll even get a response that lets you know someone out there cares. And it helps. Sometimes it helps a lot.
Now I know it's no fun to open your Twitter feed & see nothing but complaints, so I try to separate complaints with non-complaints. Sometimes, like right now, that gets hard. Why? My life is not perfect. This week I'm dealing with the impending death of my grandmother, sisters that refuse to go visit her (her dying wish is to see her granddaughters since they haven't gone to see her in years), and a mom that talked said sisters into not going. Not only am I very sad that I'm going to lose a grandparent, I'm absolutely disgusted that members of my family can act the way my sisters and mom are.
So guess what? I might complain a bit more this week. Maybe next week too. I might ask for a re-do on life. If it bugs you, UNFOLLOW! I didn't ask you to follow me, and I don't need your DM telling me I complain a lot.
When shit hits the fan in life, covering it up & trying to act like your life is just peachy makes things harder. You have to try harder to keep it all together so people don't notice. As you may have guessed from reading my blog- I don't like to keep too much of my life private. I'm all about showing who I really am.
But just so I don't annoy you or get another DM telling me I'm still complaining a lot, I've tried to stay off Twitter or keep my tweets positive. But I'm done. I have a lot of emotion in me that I haven't felt before in my life, so if I need to get it out, Twitter might very well be one of the outlets I choose. Deal with it.
[/rant] This blog isn't called "Rantings" & Ravings of a Twenty-something for nothin!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
On Babies...
Recently, so many people have randomly been bringing up babies. And it's always: "when you have babies," "your kids," and other things that assume we will have kids.
I'm so tired of people expecting me to be on the same track as everyone else. Dating (no longer than 3 years or people start questioning why you're not engaged) --> engagement --> marriage --> kids. That's life and that's how you're supposed to do it. If that's not how you want to do it, people either think you're crazy or that you'll grow out of it. News flash: probably not going to grow out of this one.
The trigger for this rant came yesterday when Alexey and I went to visit his mom in OP. She was getting off work, so we met her there and she, of course, wanted to show us off to all of her coworkers that were still there. She started introducing me as Alexey's girlfriend, but then to one person she referred to me as her "future daughter-in-law, I hope." She is really superstitious and thinks she's going to jinx it if she calls me her future daughter-in-law with no doubt, so she never will say it straight out. I was like, "Just say it! It's not a question mark at all." So she went back to the people she had already introduced us to and reintroduced me as her future daughter-in-law. Oh Russians...
Anyway, the last person she introduced us to had pictures of her grandkids all over the place. She introduced me as her future daughter-in-law and the lady was like, "Oh congratulations! When's the big day?" And I was like, "It's not official yet." Alexey's mom launched into her usual speech about how education is first, then marriage, then grandkids, I hope. The lady was like well grandkids will come of course, in due time.
Of course? Grandkids will come OF COURSE?!? No not of course. I don't want kids. "Oh, of course you do. You'd be such great parents!" Well, that's cool. Just because I'd supposedly be a good mom, I should have kids? I don't think so.
My sisters call me selfish and crazy for saying I don't want kids. I think I'm being entirely UNselfish. I'd be a shitty mom. Here are my reasons:
UNselfish reasons:
-I spend more than half of my life in bed, completely worthless, because I ate the wrong thing
-I have multiple phobias (don't want to pass them onto kids)
-I don't eat many types of food (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I'm kind of a germ-a-phobe (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I don't have much patience and tend to snap when I get mad
-My family is effing nuts & there is so much drama/heartbreak associated with them
-I'm not very confident
-I'd probably be exactly like my mom to them
-Hormones will make me a raging(er) bitch to Alexey during pregnancy
-I'm not strong enough emotionally
-Alexey and I don't have the same religion and as much as I hate religion now, I think it provided me the structure I needed to turn out a good kid
Selfish reasons:
-I love my boyfriend more than anything and NEVER want that to change
-Pukey stomachs
-Life will become so much more stressful and my IBS will get worse
-What if one is allergic to animals?!
-Everything will be dirty & unorganized
-I wouldn't do well arguing with a kid/teenager
-Droopy boobs, hemorrhoids (yes I spelled that without googling how to!), poochy stomach
-Always being on someone else's schedule
I have thought this out. I've tried to talk myself into being ok with having kids, but I just can't do it. When I hear stories about parents and their adorable kids, my heart aches. I want a kid that says hilarious things and does ridiculously cute things. But I always wanted a monkey when I was little. I'd be good monkey-mom and monkies are freakin' cute...does that mean I should get one? No.
Here's the deal: yes, I will of course regret not having kids at many points in my life. Having a dog (which is much less annoying/expensive/exhausting than having a kid) has made me throw my hands up in the air on multiple occasions and wish that I had never gotten a dog, so I'm positive that if I had kids I'd also regret having them.
I know I'll also feel extremely guilty about not having them because Alexey's mom wants grandkids sooo bad. I'm going to wonder if I could have raised the best bballer ever- and yes, I would have ;)but I just can't have kids just because that's what people do. Call me crazy, call me selfish, but I'll still probably end up childless.
I'm so tired of people expecting me to be on the same track as everyone else. Dating (no longer than 3 years or people start questioning why you're not engaged) --> engagement --> marriage --> kids. That's life and that's how you're supposed to do it. If that's not how you want to do it, people either think you're crazy or that you'll grow out of it. News flash: probably not going to grow out of this one.
The trigger for this rant came yesterday when Alexey and I went to visit his mom in OP. She was getting off work, so we met her there and she, of course, wanted to show us off to all of her coworkers that were still there. She started introducing me as Alexey's girlfriend, but then to one person she referred to me as her "future daughter-in-law, I hope." She is really superstitious and thinks she's going to jinx it if she calls me her future daughter-in-law with no doubt, so she never will say it straight out. I was like, "Just say it! It's not a question mark at all." So she went back to the people she had already introduced us to and reintroduced me as her future daughter-in-law. Oh Russians...
Anyway, the last person she introduced us to had pictures of her grandkids all over the place. She introduced me as her future daughter-in-law and the lady was like, "Oh congratulations! When's the big day?" And I was like, "It's not official yet." Alexey's mom launched into her usual speech about how education is first, then marriage, then grandkids, I hope. The lady was like well grandkids will come of course, in due time.
Of course? Grandkids will come OF COURSE?!? No not of course. I don't want kids. "Oh, of course you do. You'd be such great parents!" Well, that's cool. Just because I'd supposedly be a good mom, I should have kids? I don't think so.
My sisters call me selfish and crazy for saying I don't want kids. I think I'm being entirely UNselfish. I'd be a shitty mom. Here are my reasons:
UNselfish reasons:
-I spend more than half of my life in bed, completely worthless, because I ate the wrong thing
-I have multiple phobias (don't want to pass them onto kids)
-I don't eat many types of food (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I'm kind of a germ-a-phobe (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I don't have much patience and tend to snap when I get mad
-My family is effing nuts & there is so much drama/heartbreak associated with them
-I'm not very confident
-I'd probably be exactly like my mom to them
-Hormones will make me a raging(er) bitch to Alexey during pregnancy
-I'm not strong enough emotionally
-Alexey and I don't have the same religion and as much as I hate religion now, I think it provided me the structure I needed to turn out a good kid
Selfish reasons:
-I love my boyfriend more than anything and NEVER want that to change
-Pukey stomachs
-Life will become so much more stressful and my IBS will get worse
-What if one is allergic to animals?!
-Everything will be dirty & unorganized
-I wouldn't do well arguing with a kid/teenager
-Droopy boobs, hemorrhoids (yes I spelled that without googling how to!), poochy stomach
-Always being on someone else's schedule
I have thought this out. I've tried to talk myself into being ok with having kids, but I just can't do it. When I hear stories about parents and their adorable kids, my heart aches. I want a kid that says hilarious things and does ridiculously cute things. But I always wanted a monkey when I was little. I'd be good monkey-mom and monkies are freakin' cute...does that mean I should get one? No.
Here's the deal: yes, I will of course regret not having kids at many points in my life. Having a dog (which is much less annoying/expensive/exhausting than having a kid) has made me throw my hands up in the air on multiple occasions and wish that I had never gotten a dog, so I'm positive that if I had kids I'd also regret having them.
I know I'll also feel extremely guilty about not having them because Alexey's mom wants grandkids sooo bad. I'm going to wonder if I could have raised the best bballer ever- and yes, I would have ;)but I just can't have kids just because that's what people do. Call me crazy, call me selfish, but I'll still probably end up childless.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Who Is The Real Me?
A lot of you won't understand this post. That's because I'm sure a lot of you have no problem at all opening up to strangers. A lot of you find it ridiculously easy to carry on a conversation with pretty much anyone and this allows you to be yourself in any situation.
I'm not that way at all. I have a hard time letting the real "me" shine through until I really get to know people. So, very few people actually know who I really am. My boyfriend, obviously, my close friends, and my family- immediate family at least.
A lot of people probably think they have me pegged- quiet girl who never really speaks out of turn or gets too excited about much of anything. A nerd. A loner. Predictable. Boring. Nice.
Some of that is right- but my acquaintances would be blown away if they saw a video of me around the ones that really know me. The first time one of my friends saw me watch a basketball game, they couldn't believe it. I was jumping up outta my seat, screaming at the TV, cussing more than any normal person would. Hell, some people go wide-eyed when they hear me say, "Fuck."
Now for the real point of this post- I have a really hard time allowing myself to open up and show the real me. I'd have to say that a lot of my online friends (on Twitter) probably know me better than most acquaintances. I find it really easy to be myself around them- it's probably because there hasn't been that awkward meeting stage where you're still getting to know each other. Yet. Because I have a hard time opening up to people, I've kind of avoided going to the Tweet ups. Since I'm so quiet/shy/awkward around people I don't know, I like to save myself the embarrassment and avoid them. But the real me wants to go and make more real life connections.
The two parts of me seem to be at constant war because I can't really define myself as one or the other. I am nice, but I can also be very evil. I'm quiet, but I can be really loud and outgoing around the right people. A lot of people I'm sure consider me to be boring, but I can be outgoing/crazy/fun to be around. I'm lazy, but I'm also really athletic and love to be in shape. I'm a loner, but I often love being around people if it's not awkward. So when I tell people I'm shy or quiet, I feel like I'm lying. Same with all of the other qualities I mentioned.
Lately this has lead to a lot of confusion for me. Who am I? Am I the person I am around my close friends and family? The one my acquaintances see? Or am I the one strangers/new people see?
The answer is that I'm all of those people, I guess. I'm a different person in different situations, AND I HATE THAT! I wish I could be the person that gets along really well with someone online, sees them in public, and actually has the courage (right personality) to go up and introduce themselves. But I'm only that brave online where it's not awkward. If it gets awkward online, you can go offline and wait it out. I wish I could be as outgoing with everyone as I am with my close friends. I wish all of you could see how goofy and weird I am around my close friends. But most likely it will never happen because I'm too embarrassed and shy, and I'm afraid people won't "get" me.
All of my life I've wished that I could be an extrovert instead of an introvert, but I'm not. I need to either figure out how to change that or get used to it. But how?
I'm not that way at all. I have a hard time letting the real "me" shine through until I really get to know people. So, very few people actually know who I really am. My boyfriend, obviously, my close friends, and my family- immediate family at least.
A lot of people probably think they have me pegged- quiet girl who never really speaks out of turn or gets too excited about much of anything. A nerd. A loner. Predictable. Boring. Nice.
Some of that is right- but my acquaintances would be blown away if they saw a video of me around the ones that really know me. The first time one of my friends saw me watch a basketball game, they couldn't believe it. I was jumping up outta my seat, screaming at the TV, cussing more than any normal person would. Hell, some people go wide-eyed when they hear me say, "Fuck."
Now for the real point of this post- I have a really hard time allowing myself to open up and show the real me. I'd have to say that a lot of my online friends (on Twitter) probably know me better than most acquaintances. I find it really easy to be myself around them- it's probably because there hasn't been that awkward meeting stage where you're still getting to know each other. Yet. Because I have a hard time opening up to people, I've kind of avoided going to the Tweet ups. Since I'm so quiet/shy/awkward around people I don't know, I like to save myself the embarrassment and avoid them. But the real me wants to go and make more real life connections.
The two parts of me seem to be at constant war because I can't really define myself as one or the other. I am nice, but I can also be very evil. I'm quiet, but I can be really loud and outgoing around the right people. A lot of people I'm sure consider me to be boring, but I can be outgoing/crazy/fun to be around. I'm lazy, but I'm also really athletic and love to be in shape. I'm a loner, but I often love being around people if it's not awkward. So when I tell people I'm shy or quiet, I feel like I'm lying. Same with all of the other qualities I mentioned.
Lately this has lead to a lot of confusion for me. Who am I? Am I the person I am around my close friends and family? The one my acquaintances see? Or am I the one strangers/new people see?
The answer is that I'm all of those people, I guess. I'm a different person in different situations, AND I HATE THAT! I wish I could be the person that gets along really well with someone online, sees them in public, and actually has the courage (right personality) to go up and introduce themselves. But I'm only that brave online where it's not awkward. If it gets awkward online, you can go offline and wait it out. I wish I could be as outgoing with everyone as I am with my close friends. I wish all of you could see how goofy and weird I am around my close friends. But most likely it will never happen because I'm too embarrassed and shy, and I'm afraid people won't "get" me.
All of my life I've wished that I could be an extrovert instead of an introvert, but I'm not. I need to either figure out how to change that or get used to it. But how?
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