Who Is The Real Me?

A lot of you won't understand this post. That's because I'm sure a lot of you have no problem at all opening up to strangers. A lot of you find it ridiculously easy to carry on a conversation with pretty much anyone and this allows you to be yourself in any situation.

I'm not that way at all. I have a hard time letting the real "me" shine through until I really get to know people. So, very few people actually know who I really am. My boyfriend, obviously, my close friends, and my family- immediate family at least.

A lot of people probably think they have me pegged- quiet girl who never really speaks out of turn or gets too excited about much of anything. A nerd. A loner. Predictable. Boring. Nice.

Some of that is right- but my acquaintances would be blown away if they saw a video of me around the ones that really know me. The first time one of my friends saw me watch a basketball game, they couldn't believe it. I was jumping up outta my seat, screaming at the TV, cussing more than any normal person would. Hell, some people go wide-eyed when they hear me say, "Fuck."

Now for the real point of this post- I have a really hard time allowing myself to open up and show the real me. I'd have to say that a lot of my online friends (on Twitter) probably know me better than most acquaintances. I find it really easy to be myself around them- it's probably because there hasn't been that awkward meeting stage where you're still getting to know each other. Yet. Because I have a hard time opening up to people, I've kind of avoided going to the Tweet ups. Since I'm so quiet/shy/awkward around people I don't know, I like to save myself the embarrassment and avoid them. But the real me wants to go and make more real life connections.

The two parts of me seem to be at constant war because I can't really define myself as one or the other. I am nice, but I can also be very evil. I'm quiet, but I can be really loud and outgoing around the right people. A lot of people I'm sure consider me to be boring, but I can be outgoing/crazy/fun to be around. I'm lazy, but I'm also really athletic and love to be in shape. I'm a loner, but I often love being around people if it's not awkward. So when I tell people I'm shy or quiet, I feel like I'm lying. Same with all of the other qualities I mentioned.

Lately this has lead to a lot of confusion for me. Who am I? Am I the person I am around my close friends and family? The one my acquaintances see? Or am I the one strangers/new people see?


The answer is that I'm all of those people, I guess. I'm a different person in different situations, AND I HATE THAT! I wish I could be the person that gets along really well with someone online, sees them in public, and actually has the courage (right personality) to go up and introduce themselves. But I'm only that brave online where it's not awkward. If it gets awkward online, you can go offline and wait it out. I wish I could be as outgoing with everyone as I am with my close friends. I wish all of you could see how goofy and weird I am around my close friends. But most likely it will never happen because I'm too embarrassed and shy, and I'm afraid people won't "get" me. 


All of my life I've wished that I could be an extrovert instead of an introvert, but I'm not. I need to either figure out how to change that or get used to it. But how?