Time to move on

I have a history of holding onto things too long. Not in the "hoarder" sense; I have a hard time letting people from my past go. I love thinking back about my past, and I spend a lot of time wishing my present could be more like it and that the friendships I had then could be transported- as they were- to the present time.

But in the past couple of weeks, I've realized that not only is that never going to happen (I'd actually realized this long ago, I just wouldn't accept it) but I don't really want it to anymore.

Don't get me wrong- there are PLENTY of old friends that I will never let go of, but a few of them just aren't the same people. They aren't the person I knew 5-6 years ago and never will be again. Although we used to get along well and have a lot of fun together, that just wouldn't happen now or in the future because we've grown into completely different types of people. A month or so ago this would have upset me greatly, but now I'm just coming to terms with it. I've decided that I'll always have the good memories, and that trying to move forward and bring my old friendships into my future would probably just tarnish the good memories.

One thing I need to learn to do is not sabotage my memories. When I have free time to sit around and do nothing, I start to get upset about how few friends I'm still close to. I don't really have a best friend (other than Alexey) that I can text all day about nothing, no one to gossip with, no one to go to when I just feel like crying, no one to hang out with or call just to talk. Then I start thinking that maybe I just built my favorite friendships up to be more than they actually were and that the people I considered close friends had other friends they were much closer to and that I was just that tag along friend that people just put up with.

I also do the "what if" game, and wonder about what could have happened had I not joined the sorority, had I driven back to OP for more parties, had I drank more or gone out more...would I still be friends with them? Would they have cared enough more to keep in touch with me even when we moved/grew apart? But I know that's a really bad game to play. 

The important part should be that I valued those friendships, and that I have a lot of great memories with those friends. I just have to hope/believe that I will build many more close friendships as soon as school ends and I feel like I can have a life again. And if not, well, I'll just have to move on with my life.