All the close friends I've ever had have left me. Not the way a significant other would, but either I've moved away or they've moved away. So now I find myself hesitantly meeting new people. I'd really like to make new friends since almost all of mine have moved away, but I don't want to be left behind again.
When I make friends, I tend to become really close to most of them. As you can probably deduce from past posts, I don't get along very well with my family, so my friends become my family. But as I form close relationships, I'm afraid I'm going to be left behind...again. It's especially hard with where I'm at in school right now because although I've made a few acquaintances in pharmacy school, most of them are from other states. And most of the people my age that I meet outside pharmacy school are graduating this year.
So I tend to be slightly standoffish so I don't get too close to people, and if I do become close to someone, I start to pull away when I see that the dreaded moving away period is getting closer. I noticed that I'm starting to do it with Jacob. (I'm guessing he just did a double take after seeing his name lol) We're really good friends, (awww) but since he graduated I feel like he is moving past where we are in our lives. He's a grown up now, and I'm still stuck in school for 2 more years. He also keeps talking about moving away. So up goes my guard...I guess it's "hurt them before they hurt you."
But why do I have a problem with this? Why can't I just settle for short term friendships and just be happy with them while they last? I think part of it is because I look at my parents, and I'm terrified I'll end up like them. They both had tons of friends in college, but since they went to school out of state, they ended up friendless when they moved back home.
Maybe I just need to wait until I graduate college and focus on making lasting friendships then, when everyone is pretty much settled in where they want to be and aren't going anywhere. There are just so many people in my life right now that I want to have closer relationships with but a) I've been friends with my old friends for so long that I forgot how to make new ones and b) I'm scared that once they're a part of my life they're going to leave.
A woman came to talk to our class last week about her fight with breast cancer. As she told us about her chemo, she didn't cry. Then she told us about her mastectomy, still no tears. But then she started talking about how her friends were there with her through the whole thing, and she cried. Hard. So hard she couldn't talk for a few minutes. I want to have friends like that when I'm older. I just want meaningful and lasting friendships, and I don't want them to end.
Really good friendships that fade away are harder to get over than past boyfriends. When you enter into a relationship, it's common knowledge that both of you are going to try to make it work as long as you can. With friendships, it's not quite the same. With friends, it's more of "I'm here when you need me until I'm not." If a friend wants to move away, they usually won't stay just because you ask them to. And when they're gone, as hard as you try to keep the friendship going, it's never going to be the same. And here's where it's different from relationships- you will have new people come into your life, but you'll always think back to those really good friendships and miss them like hell. Old boyfriends- eh, it's better now, so you don't miss them so much, but with friends memories almost hurt. Maybe that's just me, but I feel like I lost a handful of brothers and no matter what I do I'll never get them back.
The feeling sucks. Missing them sucks. So why would I make new friends and go through that all over again?
Miss you guys!
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