Happy Celebrate Love Day!

Now this is what I call love :) PS- they HATED each other before this, but this night there was a tornado near by & they had been scared of the sirens. I guess their way of calming down was this. So adorable.

Wordless Wednesday

It is Wednesday, right? I've been so out of it today that I'm honestly not sure it is. Well, regardless of whether it is or isn't, here's the first of many wordless Wednesdays I'm going to do- this first one just won't be wordless :) I decided to start doing this after going through the many, MANY folders of pictures of my animals. There are just too many adorable images of them that I have to share them. Hope you enjoy it!

Side note: all of these are pictures that I've taken.

My Life Is Not Perfect

Surprise! I deal with a lot of crap in my life & I'm not happy 100% of the time. I don't have a lot of close friends because they've all moved away or I just don't have time to go back to OP to hang out with them anymore. That means I don't have many people to vent to.

Twitter is a great outlet. You can blurt anything you want & sometimes you'll even get a response that lets you know someone out there cares. And it helps. Sometimes it helps a lot.

Now I know it's no fun to open your Twitter feed & see nothing but complaints, so I try to separate complaints with non-complaints. Sometimes, like right now, that gets hard. Why? My life is not perfect. This week I'm dealing with the impending death of my grandmother, sisters that refuse to go visit her (her dying wish is to see her granddaughters since they haven't gone to see her in years), and a mom that talked said sisters into not going. Not only am I very sad that I'm going to lose a grandparent, I'm absolutely disgusted that members of my family can act the way my sisters and mom are.

So guess what? I might complain a bit more this week. Maybe next week too. I might ask for a re-do on life. If it bugs you, UNFOLLOW! I didn't ask you to follow me, and I don't need your DM telling me I complain a lot.

When shit hits the fan in life, covering it up & trying to act like your life is just peachy makes things harder. You have to try harder to keep it all together so people don't notice. As you may have guessed from reading my blog- I don't like to keep too much of my life private. I'm all about showing who I really am.

But just so I don't annoy you or get another DM telling me I'm still complaining a lot, I've tried to stay off Twitter or keep my tweets positive. But I'm done. I have a lot of emotion in me that I haven't felt before in my life, so if I need to get it out, Twitter might very well be one of the outlets I choose. Deal with it.

[/rant] This blog isn't called "Rantings" & Ravings of a Twenty-something for nothin!

On Babies...

Recently, so many people have randomly been bringing up babies. And it's always: "when you have babies," "your kids," and other things that assume we will have kids.

I'm so tired of people expecting me to be on the same track as everyone else. Dating (no longer than 3 years or people start questioning why you're not engaged) --> engagement --> marriage --> kids. That's life and that's how you're supposed to do it. If that's not how you want to do it, people either think you're crazy or that you'll grow out of it. News flash: probably not going to grow out of this one.

The trigger for this rant came yesterday when Alexey and I went to visit his mom in OP. She was getting off work, so we met her there and she, of course, wanted to show us off to all of her coworkers that were still there. She started introducing me as Alexey's girlfriend, but then to one person she referred to me as her "future daughter-in-law, I hope." She is really superstitious and thinks she's going to jinx it if she calls me her future daughter-in-law with no doubt, so she never will say it straight out. I was like, "Just say it! It's not a question mark at all." So she went back to the people she had already introduced us to and reintroduced me as her future daughter-in-law. Oh Russians...

Anyway, the last person she introduced us to had pictures of her grandkids all over the place. She introduced me as her future daughter-in-law and the lady was like, "Oh congratulations! When's the big day?" And I was like, "It's not official yet." Alexey's mom launched into her usual speech about how education is first, then marriage, then grandkids, I hope. The lady was like well grandkids will come of course, in due time.

Of course? Grandkids will come OF COURSE?!? No not of course. I don't want kids. "Oh, of course you do. You'd be such great parents!" Well, that's cool. Just because I'd supposedly be a good mom, I should have kids? I don't think so.


My sisters call me selfish and crazy for saying I don't want kids. I think I'm being entirely UNselfish. I'd be a shitty mom. Here are my reasons:

UNselfish reasons:
-I spend more than half of my life in bed, completely worthless, because I ate the wrong thing
-I have multiple phobias (don't want to pass them onto kids)
-I don't eat many types of food (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I'm kind of a germ-a-phobe (don't want to pass this onto kids)
-I don't have much patience and tend to snap when I get mad
-My family is effing nuts & there is so much drama/heartbreak associated with them
-I'm not very confident
-I'd probably be exactly like my mom to them
-Hormones will make me a raging(er) bitch to Alexey during pregnancy
-I'm not strong enough emotionally
-Alexey and I don't have the same religion and as much as I hate religion now, I think it provided me the structure I needed to turn out a good kid


Selfish reasons:
-I love my boyfriend more than anything and NEVER want that to change
-Pukey stomachs
-Life will become so much more stressful and my IBS will get worse
-What if one is allergic to animals?!
-Everything will be dirty & unorganized
-I wouldn't do well arguing with a kid/teenager
-Droopy boobs, hemorrhoids (yes I spelled that without googling how to!), poochy stomach
-Always being on someone else's schedule


I have thought this out. I've tried to talk myself into being ok with having kids, but I just can't do it. When I hear stories about parents and their adorable kids, my heart aches. I want a kid that says hilarious things and does ridiculously cute things. But I always wanted a monkey when I was little. I'd be good monkey-mom and monkies are freakin' cute...does that mean I should get one? No.


Here's the deal: yes, I will of course regret not having kids at many points in my life. Having a dog (which is much less annoying/expensive/exhausting than having a kid) has made me throw my hands up in the air on multiple occasions and wish that I had never gotten a dog, so I'm positive that if I had kids I'd also regret having them.


I know I'll also feel extremely guilty about not having them because Alexey's mom wants grandkids sooo bad. I'm going to wonder if I could have raised the best bballer ever- and yes, I would have ;)but I just can't have kids just because that's what people do. Call me crazy, call me selfish, but I'll still probably end up childless.

Who Is The Real Me?

A lot of you won't understand this post. That's because I'm sure a lot of you have no problem at all opening up to strangers. A lot of you find it ridiculously easy to carry on a conversation with pretty much anyone and this allows you to be yourself in any situation.

I'm not that way at all. I have a hard time letting the real "me" shine through until I really get to know people. So, very few people actually know who I really am. My boyfriend, obviously, my close friends, and my family- immediate family at least.

A lot of people probably think they have me pegged- quiet girl who never really speaks out of turn or gets too excited about much of anything. A nerd. A loner. Predictable. Boring. Nice.

Some of that is right- but my acquaintances would be blown away if they saw a video of me around the ones that really know me. The first time one of my friends saw me watch a basketball game, they couldn't believe it. I was jumping up outta my seat, screaming at the TV, cussing more than any normal person would. Hell, some people go wide-eyed when they hear me say, "Fuck."

Now for the real point of this post- I have a really hard time allowing myself to open up and show the real me. I'd have to say that a lot of my online friends (on Twitter) probably know me better than most acquaintances. I find it really easy to be myself around them- it's probably because there hasn't been that awkward meeting stage where you're still getting to know each other. Yet. Because I have a hard time opening up to people, I've kind of avoided going to the Tweet ups. Since I'm so quiet/shy/awkward around people I don't know, I like to save myself the embarrassment and avoid them. But the real me wants to go and make more real life connections.

The two parts of me seem to be at constant war because I can't really define myself as one or the other. I am nice, but I can also be very evil. I'm quiet, but I can be really loud and outgoing around the right people. A lot of people I'm sure consider me to be boring, but I can be outgoing/crazy/fun to be around. I'm lazy, but I'm also really athletic and love to be in shape. I'm a loner, but I often love being around people if it's not awkward. So when I tell people I'm shy or quiet, I feel like I'm lying. Same with all of the other qualities I mentioned.

Lately this has lead to a lot of confusion for me. Who am I? Am I the person I am around my close friends and family? The one my acquaintances see? Or am I the one strangers/new people see?


The answer is that I'm all of those people, I guess. I'm a different person in different situations, AND I HATE THAT! I wish I could be the person that gets along really well with someone online, sees them in public, and actually has the courage (right personality) to go up and introduce themselves. But I'm only that brave online where it's not awkward. If it gets awkward online, you can go offline and wait it out. I wish I could be as outgoing with everyone as I am with my close friends. I wish all of you could see how goofy and weird I am around my close friends. But most likely it will never happen because I'm too embarrassed and shy, and I'm afraid people won't "get" me. 


All of my life I've wished that I could be an extrovert instead of an introvert, but I'm not. I need to either figure out how to change that or get used to it. But how?

White Christmas

Well, people wanted a White Christmas & they got just that. We are practically snowed in!

I've been quite a lazy bum since I got home from work earlier, so I just got off the couch to see what it was like outside. We have about 6 inches worth of snow piled up outside the sliding door! Granted the wind has blown it up that high, but it's still probably at least 4 inches across the lawn. We also have a snow drift the wind made near our front door that is a foot and a half tall! Pretty crazy stuff.

I was supposed to go to my grandparent's house tonight for our usual Christmas Eve celebration, but the roads were pretty icy when I got off work. I figured driving back to OP would not be a good idea. I might have made it out there without any major problems, but with a blizzard forcasted, I was pretty sure I wouldn't make it back ok. Definitely glad I made that choice. It is a little strange to not be at home with my family on Christmas Eve, but it's pretty nice to be honest.

I've always hated the holidays because they always meant yelling and disappointment for me. Not me yelling or being disappointed, but other members of my family. This year doesn't feel like Christmas at all- except for the snow & Christmas movies on TV. We didn't have a tree or any holiday decorations up this year, and we didn't even go celebrate with our families. I'm sure right now plenty of kids are tucked away dreaming of Santa, but Christmas awe is lost on me. I'm not sure when exactly it happened, but I do miss it a little.

It's slightly sad, but I think I miss the food the most! All the different Christmas cookies my family would cook, mashed potatoes and the best gravy ever, povitica, turkey. Yum! But maybe I'll still get to have a little of that tomorrow if this blizzard melts away.

Anyway, it's nice to be able to spend the holiday with the one who has always decreased my stress level. (I'm not talking about Koopa!) It was a very relaxing night, and I definitely enjoyed it. We had a little bit of a fun time trying to get Koopa into his snow gear- he's not too keen on the boots, but he loves his coat. Here's a pic of him before he ripped off the boots:

I'm sure he'll be ok with the boots as soon as he realizes what they're for. He HATES when his feet are cold. He will stand with one paw up at a time trying to keep them warm. If anyone has any tips about keeping them on his feet, please share!

"You definitely don't have cancer"

I know I post plenty of sarcastic blog posts, but this is not one of those.

My great grandma has had many, many types of cancer throughout her 94 years of life, and I recently heard that she's battling it once again. My grandma has also had breast cancer 3 different times. After she found out the first time, she had a double mastectomy. As if that wasn't enough to go through to try and get rid of it forever, it came back 2 more times. I just learned over the weekend that she has it for the 3rd time and that it has now spread to her colon. My mom called me a couple of weeks ago and said that in her latest breast exam, the doctor found a few different lumps. She had a biopsy that showed abnormal cells, so she had to have surgery to remove as much as they could. She just got a call that said it was not malignant yet, but that it would have been if they didn't find it when they did.

With all of the history of cancer in my family, I have spent the last 1-2 months freaking the fuck out. About 2 months ago, I found a lump in my breast. As my family does, I have fibrocystic breasts. This just means they are lumpy from fibrous tissue. But this lump was unlike anything I'd ever felt. It was very prominent and had definitely not been there during my last self check. I instantly freaked and began stressing about it. What else did I do? Deny that it was even there. I avoided bumping into the lump or ever having to touch it. If I never felt it, it wasn't there.

I failed tests because of that lump. The mind is an evil thing, and every time I'd sit down to study, my mind would jump straight to the lump- no matter how hard I tried to push those thoughts away. I told myself that it would just go away, just like the swollen lymph nodes I sometimes get with periods. After a month, it had not gone away.

I finally found the courage to make it real and tell my boyfriend about it. His response: go see a doctor. I couldn't explain why that wasn't an option for me, but I just didn't want to. If it was cancer, I didn't want to know. I just wanted to finish school, graduate, and start making enough money that I would be able to pay off medical bills and my student loans. I knew that if I found out I had cancer before I finished school, I wouldn't even be able to afford being sick. He told me that waiting would only make it worse. I knew he was right, but I still couldn't bring myself to make an appointment. I promised him that I'd make an appointment after finals were over so that I could "focus" on those.

I kept my promise and did go see my gynecologist after finals ended. I also immediately felt stupid for being so freaked out about. "I'd fall over on the floor if you had cancer," she said. Even with my family history, it would be highly unlikely for someone my age to have cancer. I didn't know that! She told me to have an ultrasound of the lump & see what that showed.

I made my appointment for 7 freakin AM on Monday at the Goppert Breast Center of St. Luke's. I'd had ultrasounds before when doctors were trying to diagnose my stomach issues, so I wasn't nervous for the actual "procedure." That was easy. I was nervous that the radiologist would see something my gynecologist couldn't feel.

After the tech rolled the ultrasound thing around forever, she brought the radiologist in and he said, "Well you definitely don't have cancer." I let out a huge sigh of relief. But he wasn't finished. He stood in the room with me for probably longer than any other doctor I've ever seen, explaining things to me. I want to share some of what he told me with you because a lot of it was things I'd never heard before. Hopefully this information helps you know what to do if you ever discover a lump.

1. Don't freak out! He said that 99% of lumps are benign. (I don't know how true this is, I'm just typing what he said.)
2. Breasts grow until about 25, and then start to decline in mass.
3. If you have lots of fibrous tissue, the tissue and fat content can twist around each other to form lumps. This can be the same for people without lots of fibrous tissue.
4. If you do feel a lump in your monthly self checks, don't go to the doctor right away. He said it's best to not worry and continue to monitor the lump on your own. He said that if it changes in size, go see a doctor, but if it stays the same size, it is most likely nothing to worry about.
5. If you are really worried that it is something, go see your doctor. If it turns out to be cancer, it really is better the sooner it's caught. You can get started on treatment and hopefully knock it out. If it's not cancer, your fears will be calmed.

My greatest regret about the whole thing is that I waited so long to go see a doctor. I created so much stress by avoiding the whole situation. Make sure you are doing self checks monthly and keeping an eye on changes. If you notice changes, tell someone close to you. Letting other people know about it helped me calm down somewhat. It was like they shared the burden of feeling the lump with me.

Well, I expected this to be a short post, but- like always- it's turned into a long one again and I've got to get ready for work. One last thing (again): do your monthly self exams!