Every now and then...

....I miss going to church.

When I was little, I went to a Catholic school. We went to church on Sunday mornings and on Wednesdays. Every now and then we would also go on Friday mornings, but I can't remember why. We had a religion class as our first class of the day. I remember that I HATED it all.

I was a weird child. I LOVED learning, but I didn't ever feel like I learned anything in my religion class or in church. They just kept telling us a bunch of stories that didn't make any sense. But that's what we did- we were supposed to go to church and we had to go to religion class, so I did. As an aside, as I look back on it now I DID learn a lot from those "pointless" stories. They taught me the difference between right and wrong, and kind of taught me the types of morals I should possess.

When I moved and started public school, we still kept going to church every Sunday, but I no longer had any religion classes. There was an eye opener that year- I learned that other religions existed other than Catholicism. I know it's hard to believe, but, unfortunately, it is true. I started to doubt my upbringing at that point. Why didn't we get taught about other religions at my Catholic school? Why would they hide something like that from us? Was it because the other religions made more sense? Whatever the reason, I was not happy (and pretty freakin' embarrassed- oh yeah, that's the new girl. She thought Catholicism was the only religion.)
Shortly after I moved to OP, I started religion classes through our church. I think these were to prepare me for my Confirmation in 8th grade. I met a lot of great people through those classes. We also had a youth group that met during the week. This was the first time I had met kids my age that really believed everything they had been taught by the church and seemed to feel a connection with god. And I was jealous of these kids. I wanted to feel that closeness with god and know that everything I had been told was true. But the truth was that I felt nothing.

So I searched for a couple of years trying to find my way to god. Then the time came for me to be confirmed. I'm not sure why they choose 8th grade as the point in time a child is ready to accept Catholicism as their one and only religion for life, but they do. So I got confirmed. I mean really...what choice did I have? Sorry mom & dad, grandma & grandpa, but I'm just really not feeling this religion. I think I'm gonna switch or just not practice it anymore. Yeah...doesn't quite work that way.

I was kind of hoping that my Confirmation would be the magic switch that opened up a line of communication with god. No such luck. Nothing changed at all, except now I supposedly had a new middle name- Rose, after some random saint I chose and wrote a paper on. Well, I guess one thing did change- I felt like I owned my faith and that it was my responsibility now. So I started paying attention in church. Instead of speaking the prayers and various things we do, I listened. And I tried to understand what it all meant...why it was we were saying those things. I watched people, looking to see if they had that connection that I was looking for.

You know what I found? I heard people droning on, speaking words that they knew by heart but did not say from the heart. I saw people checking their watches, checking their texts/emails/etc, or even people staring at the ceiling as their mouths moved along with everyone else's. I heard the priest give sermons about how we needed to give more money to the church so that we could build a new church. Then after church was over, these "holy" people would avert their eyes and practically run to the safety of their cars in which they would speed out of the parking lot without any regard for the safety of others around them. Hands would fly up, curse words would escape their lips, as if nothing they had just witnessed in church had ever happened.

We were just in the presence of Jesus himself. You said you believed that, you confirmed it when you took his body and drank his blood. But it was all a lie because just like me you felt nothing and you believe none of it. You are here because you have to be. Because it's what you've always done and will always do.

These people baffled me. I went to school with a lot of people that went to my church. They were all what I considered "bad" kids. This is the point where you're going to think, "Ugh, she's such a prude." Damn right I am. Anyway, they were having sex, smoking, drinking, cursing and didn't seem to have any respect for anyone outside their social circle. Everything they did contradicted everything my moral upbringing had taught me. But these kids showed up for church every single Sunday.

Was I supposed to be fake too? Sit through church and pretend like I was touched and that I believed? Was I supposed to act like a "good" kid in front of my religion teachers and youth group and then do bad things when they weren't around? From what I'd learned about morals from my religion classes, I was not. I was supposed to act according to my morals at all times. And I did. I seriously did not say "fuck" until I was 18 years old. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I hadn't even kissed a boy (not that kissing is a bad thing), and I was a great student.

I guess my idea of religion was something that made a group of people have integrity. They were to act the same way at all times because they were living for god. When the priest actually gave a sermon that wasn't asking for money, he would talk about things like that. So why didn't these people who came to church and acted all holy apply what they pretended to believe to their lives?

This was the point where I just got fed up with it all. I didn't want to pretend. I wanted to actually feel like I had a relationship with god. I wanted a priest (or pastor) who actually cared enough about their faith to not get sucked into a money making plan and focus only on that. I wanted to be surrounded by kids who were like me instead of ones who shunned me because I was like they should have been. I wanted role models that I could actually look to for help when I was struggling with my faith, not ones who I couldn't even trust to not run me over after church.

So I gave up Catholicism. By then my family had mostly stopped going to church because it took up too much of their schedule (a whole HOUR out of their week!), and I had been going alone. So when I quit going no one really cared. No one from church called to see where I was, and the only people that would have cared (my grandparents) were being lied to by my parents so they wouldn't know.

The hardest part was telling my family I didn't consider myself Catholic anymore. My little sister: "WHAT?!?! You were born Catholic, you just can't stop being Catholic!" Uh, it's a religion, not a skin color or something. They were very disappointed with me, but I didn't understand why. I was the one who had tried so hard to make it work for me. And even when they had stopped going to church, I would go by myself to see if I could have my breakthrough with god.

It may sound like I'm bashing Catholicism, but I'm not. The people who actually believed in it (my grade school teachers) used it to shape me into the person I am today, and I will be forever grateful for that. But my experience with religion has just made me a little wary of ANY religions at all. I think people get too focused on what they have to do per their religion instead of just feeling their way through their relationship with god.
So for the past few years I've just been working on developing my faith instead of following a religion. And it amazes me how much this confuses people. "But if you don't have a religion, how can you believe in god?" To me that's kind of like someone asking who's method I use to train my dog, me responding with, "Well really I'm just sort of winging it," and them not being able to comprehend that. Just because I don't have a set of rules to follow doesn't mean I still can't be faithful.

But the truth is that even after my "split" with the Catholic church, I still can't say that I have ever felt god's presence. Part of it, I'm sure, is that the book that most people use to prove the existence of god uses stories that are really hard to believe coming at it from a scientific point of view. I just can't rationally justify the existence of a higher power.

So, after over 1500 words, I've come back to my main point. I feel lonely. When I believed in god and was trying to feel his presence in my life, I thought I felt nothing. But now that I've practically given up that part of my life, I feel like there is a void. Does that mean that I did find my connection with god without knowing it? I don't know.

That leaves me asking myself how I find something to fill that void in my life. Do I go back to church? Can I convince myself to start believing in god again? The really sad part is that I don't have the people in my life to talk about religious issues anymore. My parents don't have time for me anymore, my grandparents still don't even know that I'm struggling with my faith (or that I'm not Catholic anymore...my wedding is going to be a HUGE shocker), and my sisters would just tell me, "It's easy. I don't see what the big deal is." The other side of me keeps asking if I really even need to find my way back to god.

Honestly, I do want to feel like I have a higher purpose in this life and feel like there's someone up there making sure the shit doesn't hit the fan, but I don't think I could ever be like those "holier than thou" people. I don't want to be the person who annoys everyone (which I'm sure I already have) by bringing up god's name and talking about having a relationship with him. I guess I just want to have a private relationship with him, if I even want that.

Faith is confusing to me because it really is a huge part of my life, but it's something that I understand so little. I'm scared of it and want to push it away just as much as I yearn for it to be a part of my life. I'll close by saying: you rock, reader, for making it this far!

Happy Birthday Punk!

My girls all have their birthdays in March and today is Pumpkin's 3rd birthday! Here she is getting some love from Macy...

Love

Boys: if you gag when you see/hear something sappy, I recommend skipping this post...
I have a happy, deep thought type post to write! Yay! Apparently blogging about being out of ideas spurs the creative juices :)

As I sit here watching my doggy sleep and snore like a pot belly pig, I can't help but start thinking about the potential second dog that might be joining our family this summer. We've already got 3 cats and a dog, so I was wondering: how much love is the human heart (mine specifically) capable of?
This is something I worried about when we got Macy, then when we got Koopa, and yet again when we got Jilly. But each time, my heart opened up even more and I ended up loving each one as much as the other. And I love my boyfriend more and more every day, even though I didn't think I could ever love him more than the first time he told me he "liked me so much he loved me." :)

So why, if I've already loved so much more than I thought I could, am I worried about being able to love another dog? With all the people that are giving me crap for getting yet another animal, you'd think that it's them I'm worried about. That I wouldn't want to be looked at as the "crazy girl" with 5 animals.

Here's the deal: I know how we live. I know our house is cleaner and more organized than most all of theirs. I know that every one of our animals is completely loved and cared for. I know just how long (and it's been a long time) we've been considering this...going through our budget over and over, reconsidering how Koopa gets along with other dogs, doing test runs with his dog friends, making sure his training is complete enough that he won't act up once another dog is in the picture. So no, I'm not worried at all about the opinions of other people because I know we have prepared and are (physically) ready for another dog.

I'm worried about the unknowns- the things I can't control. Such as love. Can I love another dog? When Koopa was going through his teenage phase and rebelling against everything we had taught him, making it seem as though we'd never spent at least 30 minutes a day training him, I still loved him. When he was acting up and all I wanted to do was scream at him, I did the opposite (usually)...I loved him. I smiled at him, pet him, picked up a toy and played with him. Guess what that did? It made him snap out of it! We were told that this phase could last for up to a year and we broke though it in just a few months. What that tells me is that if I can open up my heart and let another dog in, so much good will come of it.

We will have another dog to bring us joy and Koopa will feel whole. If those people that call us idiots could see him with other dogs then compare that to when he's at home alone, I think they'd really understand one of the reasons we want another dog. Koopa is one of those dogs that needs a partner in crime. And we want to raise another puppy...and we CAN raise another puppy. All I have to do is figure out that my heart is capable of infinite love and everything will be ok.

Idea Drought

I'm having a thought drought. I've had zero blog ideas for quite a while. I guess it's just because I'm trying to focus as much of my attention on school that I possibly can, but it sucks that it has to affect the personal (fun) part of life.

One thing I can talk about- I switched to WordPress, in case you hadn't noticed. I'm getting used to it, slowly. I'm not really liking the vibe as I type here...it makes it really hard to focus on my words, and those are obviously an important part of my blog. One thing I like is that there are a lot of things you can change. Once you get used to all the controls, it's pretty cool. If you are worried about having to transfer over all of your old posts manually- don't worry! Josh & Jenny Solar were nice enough to help me figure out how to easily transfer them over. I have almost 300 posts between my 3 blogs, and it took all of 5 minutes to get it done. Let me know if you want help. Overall, I think I'm pretty excited to be using WordPress. I will miss how in depth Blogger Analytics was (maybe I can figure out how to incorporate that into my WordPress blogs), and I will miss a few other things about Blogger, but it's a good thing. I think. :)

I know there are SO MANY of you out there that hang on my every word, so to you all: I'm sorry. I'll try to get my creative juices flowing so you have interesting things to read, but I can't promise anything.

(You did catch the sarcasm in that last paragraph, right? Hehe)

I made the switch to Word Press

I'm not sure how I feel about it yet...I'll update ya'll if I switch back :)

http://rkinamrok.wordpress.com/

:(

My soul died today.

I'm damaged goods

You know how a lot of people that have dated and been hurt before tend to stay away from dating for a while? I just realized tonight that I'm the same way- but with friends.

All the close friends I've ever had have left me. Not the way a significant other would, but either I've moved away or they've moved away. So now I find myself hesitantly meeting new people. I'd really like to make new friends since almost all of mine have moved away, but I don't want to be left behind again.

When I make friends, I tend to become really close to most of them. As you can probably deduce from past posts, I don't get along very well with my family, so my friends become my family. But as I form close relationships, I'm afraid I'm going to be left behind...again. It's especially hard with where I'm at in school right now because although I've made a few acquaintances in pharmacy school, most of them are from other states. And most of the people my age that I meet outside pharmacy school are graduating this year.

So I tend to be slightly standoffish so I don't get too close to people, and if I do become close to someone, I start to pull away when I see that the dreaded moving away period is getting closer. I noticed that I'm starting to do it with Jacob. (I'm guessing he just did a double take after seeing his name lol) We're really good friends, (awww) but since he graduated I feel like he is moving past where we are in our lives. He's a grown up now, and I'm still stuck in school for 2 more years. He also keeps talking about moving away. So up goes my guard...I guess it's "hurt them before they hurt you."

But why do I have a problem with this? Why can't I just settle for short term friendships and just be happy with them while they last? I think part of it is because I look at my parents, and I'm terrified I'll end up like them. They both had tons of friends in college, but since they went to school out of state, they ended up friendless when they moved back home.

Maybe I just need to wait until I graduate college and focus on making lasting friendships then, when everyone is pretty much settled in where they want to be and aren't going anywhere. There are just so many people in my life right now that I want to have closer relationships with but a) I've been friends with my old friends for so long that I forgot how to make new ones and b) I'm scared that once they're a part of my life they're going to leave.

A woman came to talk to our class last week about her fight with breast cancer. As she told us about her chemo, she didn't cry. Then she told us about her mastectomy, still no tears. But then she started talking about how her friends were there with her through the whole thing, and she cried. Hard. So hard she couldn't talk for a few minutes. I want to have friends like that when I'm older. I just want meaningful and lasting friendships, and I don't want them to end.

Really good friendships that fade away are harder to get over than past boyfriends. When you enter into a relationship, it's common knowledge that both of you are going to try to make it work as long as you can. With friendships, it's not quite the same. With friends, it's more of "I'm here when you need me until I'm not." If a friend wants to move away, they usually won't stay just because you ask them to. And when they're gone, as hard as you try to keep the friendship going, it's never going to be the same. And here's where it's different from relationships- you will have new people come into your life, but you'll always think back to those really good friendships and miss them like hell. Old boyfriends- eh, it's better now, so you don't miss them so much, but with friends memories almost hurt. Maybe that's just me, but I feel like I lost a handful of brothers and no matter what I do I'll never get them back.

The feeling sucks. Missing them sucks. So why would I make new friends and go through that all over again?

Miss you guys!

(Michael look how naked your arm is!!!)